before & after

[treasure]

i'm urgy but some really minor si happened last night, so i feel like going through 'after' questions, and sort of hopefully finding more a reason to not si "properly" today.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  just marks, nothing to take care of
• what had happened just before?
  i finished a book that had some slightly sad things in it. i was trying to get to sleep but not particularly sleepy.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  i was thinking how i hate being sick (getting over the flu) and wished i could use the cpap without coughing. it was/is frustrating and depressing to know you won't sleep properly.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  i think the final straw was my thinking, that i should su, that i didn't have a chance of doing what i want in life so i should end it already. too tired to get up and do something active, i felt like i had to do *something* and hurting myself using my hands/nails was all i could do at the time.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  i probably could have stopped reading a bit earlier, had time to listen to music and relax before it started to be an issue that i was feeling crap but trying to sleep. i am probably feeling helpless/hopeless with some things in my life that i could/should talk to other people about, either for comfort or maybe they can actually help.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  none of those factors besides being a bit tired.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  i don't think i tried anything? i was too caught up in my thoughts/feelings to see any other options.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  i could've played games on my phone, listened to music, or posted on bus.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  i don't know how to make me remember, as there's not many cues around when lying in bed. maybe the best/only option is to try to relax and do mindfulness techniques while going to bed tonight, and for the next few nights, trying to make it less likely that the situation will happen again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  it is not resolved, i feel really hopeless. i can talk to the support group on wed. i can try and finish my initial business plans and show them to someone, even if just someone at the employment centre i am part of. i can try to get things done that i can get done, and put aside for later things i am stuck on or need help with - getting something done might make me feel more confident about doing the hard stuff, or more capable of asking for help?
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  possibly. it's pretty obvious when i am actually really urgy but hard to know how it got to that point, when i have not really acted on si thoughts for quite a while. it might be part of feeling alone/lonely that hopefully the support group will help with.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  i will listen to music, post on bus, and do something distracting on my phone.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  i was too tired to get out of bed. it was more appealing to si because my sis was out of the house.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  it was there for the taking.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  if my sis had been around i might have felt differently about the urges, tried to fight them more, although i may still have hurt myself as i just did so using my own hands.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  maybe decreased
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  being alone or with no one able to see me or talk to me.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  frustrated at first but probably relieved that i had something else to help stop me si-ing

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.

• Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
  yes
• If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
  sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness and loneliness. i was feeling them pretty strongly, which hasn't happened in a while
• What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
  nothing, i couldn't cope, (i didn't think i could cope anyway)
• Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
  no.
• If No - What coping skills got me through?
  it would've helped to come on bus, post about what i felt and how i was going to express it while protecting myself as well
• Why do I think they worked?
  i was stuck in the feelings, doing something/anything could've helped
• How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
  trying to go back to my bed time routine, but earlier when i can't use the cpap. trying to use relaxation techniques more often when in bed

[treasure]

good thing that mod uses forum they mod, bad thing that i really want to cut right now.

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

sorry, sensible questions in a minute. first a vent, trigger-filled mini rant.
*si, lang*
hurt. it's weird that pain on the inside can be better with pain on the outside. but i guess not weird at the same time. maybe noise helps tinitus? maybe heat helps a fever? (no idea about those two). i want my scars to be wounds. i want to show how much i hurt. i want to show that i'm overwhelmed, and crazy, and not the sensible happy face i've been wearing the past 2 weeks. i tell people that things are a bit stressful, but seem happy and together, because i was happy and together. and then a few triggers and a minute to myself and i'm falling apart, wondering why the fuck it hurts so much, and wanting to drown it in pain or alcohol or something. it feels so fucking **right** to si right now, so fitting and useful and i have the opportunity and no one has to know. i can go back to being a happy face i just need to cut first.

*later edit after typing the rest of the post*
i wrote *si* tag, thinking i needed to say what i was thinking, about cutting over and over, about bleeding, and choosing out of different tools. and i'm writing that now because i don't want to minimise what i was/am feeling. i don't want it to be "want to cut", "ok, i won't, i'll be ok". it needs to be "fuck this fucking urges. want my arms to bleed, want my legs cut, want to decorate with fucking stripes"... then "i can control my actions. i can decide that this urge to destruction/violence is not in my best interest. i can fight, by writing here. i can get through this, by slowly over and over deciding that i won't cut now, that my feelings will pass."
it's like a runaway train you have to slow down and stop, it's not like someone who's walking that you pull gently on and they will stop. and although it's as massive and scary as a train, i have the skills to stop myself, i have the questions here, and the act of *choosing* to post here, and i have experience in doing this, many many times, so it's easier to some extent. but the feelings/urges are/were not something i get over.

*break*... i left frozen pastry on the bench to cook lunch. i need to put lunch together or it will melt into a gooey puddle and be useless. will finish this in a little while, assuming i'm still urgy which is likely but i could be lucky and just be emotional cos i haven't had lunch (and triggered, and overwhelmed, just combining...)

calmer after a distraction. not as urgy, but still want it. question time...

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will not feel what i feel, i will stay strong and in control, i will not change the situation but may feel better able to cope with it.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - a purpose, a sense that i can solve a problem that doesn't have a solution. calmness, clarity. numbness.
  take away - some of my pride. much of the impetus of "not si-ing" that has been an anchor - the time i've gone without si. my rationality. my attitude for pushing towards positive solutions.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  if i think about 6 months in this job (i won't be designing the website for 6 months, i will be given other computer-related duties that are unknown at the moment) then i can't imagine getting through it. i can't see myself coping with it, and i can't see myself wanting to survive. a rational part of my brain says that i can get through 6 months of it, it's not as long as it sounds. and the consequence of getting through (even if i'm not coping) is that i will gain pride and confidence in myself and my work ability. so i will be more likely to be positive about the future.
  so the cloud of pessimism could be temporary, and i could get through it. and taking that into account, si-ing will move me away from that goal. it would temporarily help but the future that might happen (if i get through this job) is not one i want to be continuing to si to cope.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it would be mercurial, fixing my mood one minute and then making me feel crazy and stupid the next. my mood is not controllable or easily relieved at the moment. i want the sting of cutting to cut through the feelings, just for a moment, to feel like i have everything, just for a moment.
  if i si'd then afterward i would take care of my wounds, that would probably bring a little extra relief. and then i would read blogs and play games online, for a few hours at least.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i want to keep drinking, 2 drinks is barely felt, more will bring the numbness i want. it might make me happy for a few hours, but it might also make me reckless, so i will try not to do that.
  if i just do stuff online i might stay distracted a while, i might find things i will laugh at, improve my mood. i could call someone i said i might call, but i would be anxious about that, and my mood would probably feel more unstable if i do. i could sms or call my sis, but i think it would be hard not to mention my mood, and make me feel worse if i don't mention it, but probably upset her if i do mention it.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  i really don't know. if this is a temporary low mood, it might be ok tomorrow no matter what i do, or it might be crap again tomorrow. i'm leaning towards feeling sad and crap tomorrow, no matter what i do now.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i just started eating lunch, that's a good step. do stuff that fills a need? i need peace and quiet right now, that's ok. try and do nice stuff, relaxation. try to stop thinking about work, find other things that fill my attention.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  overwhelmed by 2 days of work, 4hrs of contact with a social group and various su triggers in the social group. not exactly unexpected, but i rather expected shaky anxiety not feeling like i should hurt myself. i need si to stay in control and go on with more stuff i need to do - appt on fri and work again next week (and possibly my sister wanting to go out at some point in the next week)
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i sort of have, last time i started a job (a year or 2 ago now?). i felt anxious then, afraid of going to work, but i did manage to go to work pretty much every day i was supposed to. i think i got through it with some support from my sister (she's not around anywhere near as much to talk to, night shift means she's pretty much never here or never awake). bus also helps, and i could talk to the t i was seeing then, he's sort of available (slim possibility i could talk to him friday if i get a reply by email today or tomorrow...)
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  had an alcoholic drink, it helped a little. eaten food - i'm no longer feeling as fragile but it hasn't stopped the urge to si.
  i could email my case worker or the old t. i could do stuff online for a while. i could read or watch a movie. i could write some more on bus.
• How do I feel right now?
  self-destructive. frustrated? angry? i think i might be angry that i have feelings, angry that i can't just do stuff without anxiety or low moods, that i'm useless because of that?
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  control, perfection, power
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  slightly guilty, annoyed. calm/numb with an undercurrent of anger/self-destruction
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i doubt it. my boss says she prizes communication but her style of communication is berating or rambling, she is not balanced between deterring and encouraging - almost always it's deterring (emotional blackmail almost - i got to hear about how fragile the business is, about how if the web site is not right she'll lose the business, even though the web site is *currently* a mess and i'm trying to fix it).
  i can probably deal with a little better if i do communicate problems though, perhaps if i do so in writing? i can't handle that now, but maybe once i am more settled in the position?
  one of my group suggested i do breathing exercises at work which would be a good idea, and i should try and remember to ask the boss if i can listen to music on headphones because the occasionally screaming customers (they had a kid with them) and occasionally blaring phone calls (they need to hear it when they're in the store room) are not helping the anxiety.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. typing here is a good distraction, filled more than half an hr, although some of that was getting lunch ready. i feel like the worst has passed, that my mood is shitty but i can get through it. i don't think i can handle going out on fri but that's another day, i just need to concentrate on now, on getting through an hr or two, and will see what happens after that.

[treasure]

i am feeling a lot better. i feel able to cope with work right now but i expect anxiety and stress will come back pretty soon (either in anticipation or after i go to work).

i don't want to trigger myself in answering, but i doubt i will and if i do i will type in my place. and i need to go out in half an hr so i will have a distraction (i can bribe myself with something).

*si trigs?*



the act of si can be perfect because it changes all the thoughts and feelings into something you are acting on, something you are fixing. it changes me into both an object to be controlled and a powerful person who does the controlling, who has all the power. there's a harmony in that, a situation where everything is working, everything is happening the way it is planned and expected and required.
there's no guilt in that place/feeling, no worry. just the continual act of power and balance, the cutting that expresses and punishes the thoughts/feelings and the hand that has the solution, the way to feel right again.

the perfect feeling is not always there, and it's almost always temporary/fleeting. in between are ups and downs of fear, anger, hate, relief. the perfect feeling sometimes means stopping si, pausing, but then the feeling goes away and i'm desperate for more relief, desperate that i need to act because i'm crazy, need to cut more because i feel self-hatred or anxiety or any feeling i want to chase away.

*end*


*deep breath*
i was telling my mum yesterday that years of experience of mental illness has made me sort of an expert, at least an expert about my own illnesses, my own experiences. i have not cut in 5 years and yet the urges bring back the experience like it happened a week ago, it's easy to remember the need, it's easy to remember the relief and the benefit of si. i don't know if i will ever be free of that, and maybe that's ok. my experiences are experience, things i've learned, and to some extent things i can teach other people.
i do wish it was easier to say no to that urge though, to stop thinking about it with such need and longing.

i'm going to be late if i don't get off the computer now, i just really don't feel like going out, but i will...

[treasure]

hi kicks,
some occasional triggers and low moods but mostly this week has been pretty good. i'm annoyed/frustrated that i haven't gotten paid yet from my new job because i'd like to go buy some xmas gifts, but i could just spend money anyway and remind my boss next week if she's forgotten.
i wish i could talk to ppl irl about si triggers/urges and it's making me feel sad and anxious about wanting/needing that but not wanting to upset other people who have their own problems.

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  the situation won't change at all. the feelings, i'm not sure. i think they will be numb for a while, and i think i could express anger through si that is only hurting myself not anger that i direct at other people.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - additional drama and issues to deal with over xmas and next time i have to work (feeling like work is a trigger and si-ing would increase the stress/triggers at work). pain relief, calm.
  take away - si free time. some of the will power and strength that keeps me sane and healthy.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  long run, i would like to be able to confront the people and situations that cause me stress or anger. i would like to be able to express anger without directing it at myself, without feeling like the only way to diffuse the tension is si.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief would probably last til tomorrow. i don't know if xmas day will be emotional or triggery but keeping the si a secret (or wanting to talk about it) would probably make it difficult. if i give in now, why not give in tomorrow? it would be hard to find healthy ways of coping (i will drink a bit, and i could easily drink more than everyone else to stay numb. easier than si, but certainly not healthy)
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  when i was writing that si would "bring" something i thought relaxation, and was reminded that my sis had a bath today and it would be ok/good for me to have one as well. if i didn't feel like doing that i could/should watch some tv and read blogs and things online that are entertaining or distracting. *or* play a computer game (there's one my brother gave me i could install and play)
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si today i will be uncomfortable about it tomorrow, sort of happy i did it but guilty/silly/self-conscious about that happiness/relief. probably more triggered than otherwise, too. if i have a bath i will maybe feel more positive about myself tomorrow, more in control of the situation.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to have a bath, i want to be able to relax. to best honor the self-protective instinct i think i maybe should journal about being angry, or find a way of expressing it, because i'm protecting myself from being out of control and protecting myself from causing hurt to other people (emotionally) with my anger. but the anger shouldn't just be forgotten about if i don't si to express it, otherwise it will likely come back or infect my thoughts in other ways.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will be an si-er again, i will be somewhat more vulnerable and more easily triggered. i will feel better for now, but not sure what might change later (more or less anxiety?).
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - a sense of randomness, impulsiveness and self-sabotage.
  take - the urges, the hopelessness, the satisfaction/pride in my si-free time.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  today i don't see the future working out well. my business is dormant while i'm working for someone else, but it shouldn't be, i should be strong enough/energetic enough to push myself into part time self-employment. my job is a mess, where i have to deal with anxiety over every little thing because i'm working around the rest of the business, not able to focus, not able to get contact done by email and work when i have a reply, instead i'm working on practically nothing because there's hiccups/problems stopping me from being able to.
  i am not sure whether i will quit or have a breakdown, or both. i'm not sure whether the pressure in that job will ever be easier, because another 4 months seems like forever right now. "long run" being 4 months, i just am hoping to survive it without quitting and without the fear and stress pushing me into depression. si won't affect the job but it might make it easier to survive.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief might not last long, because i've been having trouble sleeping lately and i'm guessing my mood will be pretty low when i go to bed or if i get insomnia again (*od* wonder if there's anything at all in the house that i can take a few to be able to fall asleep? i doubt it, but it's possible. i can't say i won't - now that i thought it, it feels like a good idea).
  if i have trouble sleeping it might be best to get out of bed and try to relax, making sleep less important, instead of pressuring myself which just leads to more anxiety and restlessness.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i waited til my sis left, and i ate dinner, that was the only things i have thought of so far. i could go for a walk - but i need to go out tomorrow so that might increase anxiety (about not doing what i need to do). i could browse online for some things i want to buy - i did that this morning and bought some fairly cheap things that will get delivered in a week or two (and i still have money to spend if i want to).
  i could play games online, watch videos, do something else on the computer. i could try and do something creative. but for all that stuff i don't think i can concentrate and i don't think i can cope with any triggery emotions (on top of whatever i'm feeling which i have not really identified)
  perhaps i could go on the wii, doing something physical feels like it might help, although i am tired and achy already, i don't know if i can be bothered.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si then tomorrow i think i will be happy, proud, secretive and calm. if i go on the wii, i think i will end up feeling tired, irritable, sore, but more grounded and realistic.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to od, and find some peace in sleep. i want to si because i deserve it and because it lets all the shitty stuff out. i suppose the urges are protecting me from anxiety, worry, fear, anger and hopelessness. i can honor these feelings by being gentle rather than violent, somehow trying to let it go instead of take out the feelings on myself. i don't know if i can do that.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

[treasure]

i have a strong desire to buy things, either online or in person. i have money in my savings and my will power to keep saving up for emergencies is dwindling. i want the happiness i might get from owning new things or having new experiences. although i have some minor thoughts of si it's more worrying to me that the wanting to buy stuff is feeling so strong and so *necessary*. it is not necessary, there is nothing i need to buy and i do buy myself what i need, and occasionally things i want. i feel a bit like i want to si out of frustration of not buying anything. both urges are to do with how i feel, and there should be other ways to cope with how i feel...?
(read questions of si/hurt myself as referring to the whole thing)

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel happy, calm, special (instead of sad, agitated and lonely). the situation might improve if i buy the right thing - something to give me purpose/hope for the future or confidence/calm in the present.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - easy solution, maybe extra drama or emotions in the future though. take - si free time, spending too much would take away some hope and pride.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i think the whole point at the moment is i don't feel like i have a future. i have to si or spend money to distract myself and escape the feeling of hopelessness. self-destructive actions now may make it easier or harder in the future, it can go either way.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief might last a few days, but would likely be over by the time i go back to work on tues. i will then need (want) to do something else to cope. the support group on wed might help. i could also contact ppl from the group (i'm supposed to, but haven't been lately).
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could watch tv, that would just be a momentary distraction though. i could get some housework done, that might use up some energy but it might also make me feel worse. i could (should) contact people from the support group. that could help me feel more connected, and remind me of the tools i have/know to get through difficult feelings/stress.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si or spend lots today i will feel stupid and probably more hopeless. if i contact people i might feel ok tomorrow, a little better and not urgy?
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i think i will find it too difficult and draining to contact people much, although i might send a text message or 2. if i'm feeling like this to hide from the hopelessness, i think i need to concentrate on being able to communicate that to the psychologist i will see on wed. i might feel agitated because i need help and i'm not telling people that, and i have people willing to help but i need to reach out.

[treasure]

after...
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  yes
• what had happened just before?
  I had a therapy appt. We briefly discussed childhood abuse and how a current situation is triggering some past feelings. It felt like a rushed appt (he offered to remind someone in the same office to contact me, which took longer than I expected. He also took a short phone call).
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I was thinking/feeling that I was alone (disconnected), had no reason not to si, and was sick of trying to be heard and trying to cope.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  the final straw was being triggered by my appt
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  I have been ranting to my employment case worker and support group about the stress from work. It seemed like enough to help me cope but I didn't/don't have enough strength to keep going with what I'm currently doing.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  none at the time, but recently haven't been sleeping as well.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I posted on bus, which ended up making things worse because I realised my actual thoughts/beliefs.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  i might have been less likely to si if i had texted someone. it probably would have helped to do a breathing exercise to calm myself (i didn't realise how much i wanted some sense of calm, i didn't feel anxious). it might have helped to do the before questions.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  maybe i will put a reminder on my phone to go off a few mins after my t appts (or after work, another time i'm stressed). it would say something nice and remind me to breathe. i could/should also text or talk to someone from the support group to try and keep in contact more.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  i don't know. towards mum - my mum came over for dinner tonight and maybe i was a tiny bit triggered but not really. and a similar thing at work - i got to a good stopping point in my web design project and put online what i had done so far, my boss was slightly triggery but also was happy with my work which made me feel better.
  in general though, i think i still feel a bit blank, hopeless and su. i feel like more si would be good, even if i don't care enough to do it today.
  i don't know what a resolution would look like. to feel hope again, how do i make that happen when i don't care enough to make it happen? some positive steps might be contacting the t i saw briefly last year (not g who's meant to do employment counselling only), maybe talking to my support group more openly (might even be easier now that si is not some abstract concept but more real). maybe i should talk to my gp about meds? but i think they have not helped enough in the past to be worth it, they numb some of the feeling but don't fill it up with anything positive, it's just blah.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  pretty likely, i don't think i have enough courage to let people in to help me, or to make steps to help myself (like making goals or something, another thing on the 'doubt i will, but it could help' list).
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  before i si again, i will commit to trying to reach out to a professional (either the old t, my gp or a hotline). i will do the before q's. and i will listen to at least one song all the way through, something to help me express or get in touch with how i feel, rather than skipping to the impulse to remove all feelings.

Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  i started thinking/planning si straight after the appt but it seemed like i might be seen and i didn't want to be.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  both. i made an opportunity by carrying a tool with me, and a quiet private place to use it was available on my way home.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  i think i would have scratch at myself and si'd in a minor way without anyone knowing i had.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  it would have increased for a little while but probably decreased once i was home in a comfortable/familiar place with many other ways to cope.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  being alone was pretty important, i delayed (15-20mins) until i could be alone. the feeling was mostly irrelevant, i think i just gradually lost the decision to avoid/fight si over the past few weeks/months.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  if i had come home still urgy and my sister was around i would have felt really horrible. i would have been crying but not allowing myself to be seen - right on the edge of falling apart into a destructive mess (mess because rather than si alone i might have si'd around my sis). i would have been really tense and my throat and chest would ache with pent up emotion. at the first opportunity i would si, probably a lot worse than what i did.

[sixtyfoothigh]

Could you also let your therapist know that the rushed appointment stressed you out... I appreciate that part of it was to remind someone in the office about something for you, but could that have waite until after the appointment, and is it ok for them to take a phone call?

I think the idea of setting a reminder on your phone to give you nice messages is a brilliant one. (I might pinch it if I'm ever feeling crappy).

Sixty x

[treasure]

sixty. i'm not sure if i have the courage to let the t know the appt stressed me because it would be an uncomfortable conversation, and he did ask if i was ok with him leaving to talk to the other person.
the message on my phone has been helping me. it reminds me that my priority should be me, not just trying to make my boss happy, or trying to live up to the workaholic ideal of my family (that work gives you meaning/purpose/worth).

me myself and i. i'm not feeling happy or hopeful, but i do have support and a plan for how to deal with work and what to do if things stay low. i'm not sure if i've been lucky but i haven't felt as self-destructive and apathetic about consequences as when i si'd 2 weeks ago. when i was regularly si-ing i would usually not feel like i needed it for a week or 2, so it's possible that it's just that i cope better after si-ing and that will run out soon.
most likely though, i have the skills and will-power to avoid si the same way i have managed to over the past few years. if things improve in the next few weeks/months i could go back to saying i've stopped, but for now there's still too much uncertainty and i might si again.

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will change from feeling sad, lonely, pathetic, lazy, etc to strong, powerful, in control.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring relief from my feelings, it will help me feel like i'm going somewhere (self-destructive feels better than just hanging in there). it will erode some of the strength i have in coping with urges and with emotions, making it more difficult to cope in the future.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  right now i feel a bit su and don't care about the future. i know ideally si would take me further away from a future where i'm a happy healthy person, but i don't want or care about that now (nor do i think i will care about it in the coming days/weeks/months).
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the sense of relief i want to get will likely only last an hr or so, but i might feel generally better for a few days/weeks after that. once the main sense of calm is gone i will probably just try to distract myself, watching youtube videos or playing simple games.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could distract right now (with videos) or i could try journalling and doing some of the suggested activities on superbetter.com. if i take positive steps i might feel better, more in control of my feelings even if the feelings are still there. if i distract myself as well, i will fill up the time before i need to go to bed, reducing some of the loneliness (my sis is out for the evening) and anxiety (i have work tomorrow).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si i think i will feel good tomorrow, like i have a simple useful tool to get through difficult feelings. but i will also be anxious about hiding any si and wondering if i'm fragile enough to fall apart (maybe ending up crying or si-ing at work).
  if i do helpful activities now i will feel anxious tomorrow, but i will also maybe be more in touch with my feelings and maybe more willing to be kind to myself and help myself through the stress i feel at work (if i am able to reduce stress at work i'm less likely to feel bad after work and be stuck in another low and urgy mood).
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to hurt myself, to plan si and su, to be self-destructive. at the same time i don't want to hurt my sister and don't want to end up in the same place i was when last i was stuck in depression. maybe some of the si urge is about avoiding su? and some might be to avoid the anxiety and vulnerability i will likely feel at work tomorrow. i am scared and dreading that feeling because it hurts too much. i think si-ing today would give me an armour of numbness to stop it hurting tomorrow. i guess i can honour that by following the steps i followed last week - listening to music whenever my boss is too loud or obnoxious and bringing a small picture or object to look at to keep me grounded.

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i don't know. i will stop being urgy? i will express/deal with the hurt and anger i felt at work today?
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - relief, calm, pleasure. take away - some pride and self-control, the right to say that i've stopped si.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  if i feel positive enough that i can imagine a future, it is not one in which i still si, it is one in which i am moving towards being a stronger and healthier person. but i [feel like i] can't get to that future, that the only option is mental illness hell and si will not change that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  i only have about an hr til i should be in bed. if i si'd the relief would last til then (and i would fill some of the time before bed, instead of feeling anxious and fighting with myself again about getting to bed on time).
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could read, maybe the non-fantasy book that might be entertaining (instead of the fantasy series that feels too long to manage). i could continue reading the it-humour forum i'm reading and playing fb games, which are not distracting enough to stop me thinking/feeling. i could listen to music - actually some music helped me cry earlier today except that i didn't feel comfortable enough to let myself keep crying *grabs headphones*. not sure if i'd be best on or off the computer - either seems risky because there i'm not sure what can stop me thinking about and wanting si.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si today i will feel like i have a guilty but pleasurable secret, i will feel powerful. i will probably find it easier to stay numb/unaffected. if i don't si then i likely will feel anxious and upset at work, and not really able to cope. whatever i do now, i don't think it will help me cope better tomorrow. maybe if i had a plan for tomorrow though, like contacting someone or just making a plan on where to go for lunch after work.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i really want to not have to go to work tomorrow. i guess some of my mood is after-effect of today and some is anticipation as to how to protect myself tomorrow. i can honour this instinct by trying to find ways i might be able to cope tomorrow, things i can do to not be as hurt or anxious as today. i guess i will try writing something in my place, and maybe listen to music, allowing myself to feel what i feel, and then protect myself from that vulnerability tomorrow.

[treasure]

Thanks bmw. I managed to get through last night and today without si. I was really tempted to buy bandaids to have some on me so that I could cut if I wanted, but I didn't end up walking past the shop and forgot about it.

[treasure]

after, although it was fairly minor

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  nothing to take care of
• what had happened just before?
  i was trying to get computer hard drives working and the computer wouldn't recognise them
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  frustrated, tense, anxious.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  i think it was the opportunity, with a rubber band i had on the desk
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  i could/should have given myself more breaks with dealing with the computer, i had been at it for a while. i realised i was quite anxious a while ago and i could have done some breathing exercises or distracted myself to help reduce the anxiety.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  no outside factors. i did get woken up early this morning by the cat but i slept in for a while after that
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  i tried looking at a book of helpful sayings that's on my desk, i tried walking around the house briefly, i went outside and watered a pot plant. i made a cup of tea and ate some chocolate. none of it really helped, it was a minor distraction and then i (stupidly?) went back to deal with the computer stuff.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  i tidies some of me art/craft materials this morning and i could've done some painting or other creative things. i could have texted or called someone. i could have watched tv (even regular tv for some random distraction).
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.i will write a list of techniques to help with anxiety and put it next to the computer. i will make a reminder about being creative, maybe printing out a few quotes or something.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  it's resolved for today - i've got one hard drive working and the computer is busy copying files to it. i will have to deal with the rest of the computer issues another time. the frustration and anxiety are not gone and might still be a problem later this week. i will try and be nicer to myself - mostly i'm getting things done that need doing and i don't have to put pressure on myself to have everything done.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  i will recognise it when my heart rate is fast, my shoulders hurt, etc. i am very likely to be in that situation again because i've been pretty stressed about work.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  i commit to trying before questions. i commit to trying to text message to someone. and i commit to trying lying on my bed to let myself relax or sleep.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  i was frustrated and didn't really think, but i knew it was quicker and less obvious than proper si, which made it more appealing.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  i left rubberbands on my desk knowing they were an opportunity to si. i didn't want to put them away because i thought i might need them - so i made the opportunity.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  i think i might have got increasingly anxious and maybe cried or something. i could have listened to music or found ways to decrease my anxiety and handled the urge without si.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  i don't know. in this case it might have decreased, i wasn't really strongly wanting si.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  definitely being alone. and an intersection between the tools available and really wanting and planning to use those tools (although planning was almost instant)
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  if all opportunities for si were taken away i would feel sad and anxious. i don't feel like i can rely on my coping skills, i need a backup, a way out, which si provides.

[treasure]

computer issues - going to post this and then edit so i don't lose what i've written...

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will get rid of anxiety and stress, i will feel happier and stronger
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring temporary stability, numbness and a distraction. it might bring some guilt and shame. it will take away my feelings, it will take away the itchy, restless, needing-to-si feelings.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run i don't think i want to rely on si forever, but i don't think si-ing now will move away from that goal.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will probably last until my sis or brother get home, and they will provide both noise/stress and a distraction. if i si i think i will be numb enough to cope better, some of the relief lasting til tomorrow.

* edit * redoing this after being away from bus for a few hours

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel calm and in control
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a good feeling. it might bring some guilt and shame. it will take away some of the openness and connections with other ppl.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't think I care if I keep si-ing indefinitely. The 'long run' seems only about an inevitable su.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Relief from some feelings would only be momentary but with others I think I'd be better able to cope for at least a few days. Once the initial calmness wears off, maybe later tomorrow, I could talk to ppl I will be around? After all the numbness has gone I think I would go back to mostly being quiet and insulated and alone with my thoughts.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I will go to bed soon. Before then I hope my phone will last enough to be on bus and play some games. I'm away from the easy method of rubberbands as there are only thin large ones in here, unlike the wide and tight ones in the study. I can stay distracted before bed, and if I need/want to I could call someone to help keep me calm and stopping negative thoughts.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  tomorrow would be a messy time if I si since I would feel conflicted about talking to the support group and t I will be meeting with tomorrow. I will be anxious if I don't si as well, possibly more anxious, and possibly quite urgy. Either way seems bad.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I don't want to si but if I get anxious about tomorrow or about the computer or about work, then I think the urge to si will be stronger than I can fight. I guess the self-protection is to help me deal with stress, sadness, anxiety etc, there's been some really strong feelings today and yesterday. I can honour that by being kind to myself - feelings are painful and tiring and maybe I can be ok without si, esp if I feel supported by people tomorrow...

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  My computer is failing which is making me anxious about doing work for my business. My normal job is stressful and my boss has been saying some really triggery shit lately. I'm also getting more anxious because I've got no private time since my brother has been staying here for the past week.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Probably haven't had the same sorts of stresses but I have been anxious and really pissed off at my boss before. I think it helped to vent to my sister and other ppl last time, maybe I will be able to do that tomorrow.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've listened to music to help me feel, but mostly tried distractions with family and random activities. I could maybe read through some material from the support group. I could listen to music again, maybe it will be easier now that it's almost bed time? I could/will play games and be on bus and online on my phone.
• How do I feel right now?
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will stop feeling under pressure, resentful (angry?) and anxious. i will hopefully have more clarity and concentration for getting work done.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - calm, relief, feelings of power and strength
  take - the commitment to self-help, some of the trust and positives between me and the support group.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i think today i feel like i want to stay on a positive swing, i want to continue working on my issues and future-me will benefit every time i make a positive choice.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief might last a few days i think, helping me get through work. but maybe the immediate effect that i want will only be helpful for a few hours and then i'll feel anxious again. after i si'd then i may find additional relief by talking to my sister, watching a movie and doing things on the computer.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could make a more detailed breakdown of the work i have to do (for my business) so i don't feel as overwhelmed by it. i could make a todo list for continuing to work on and fix the computer. i could try doing mindfulness or a breathing exercise to help relax. i could text my sister or another person for some distraction or comfort. i could look vent in my journal.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si'd then tomorrow i would be numb (numbness tomorrow is really attractive right now). i may feel a little crazy/restless/delighted/strong. if i make some todo lists and do a breathing exercise (i was going to make tea, i should finish that), then i will probably feel tense and tired tomorrow but at least i'd be able to feel what i was supposed to feel (because if work makes me angry, or triggered, or anxious, then it matters and it should be dealt with - by talking to someone outside of work or talking to my boss - i don't have to just suffer and deal with it on my own).
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want a cup of tea, so that might help me in getting on a more positive train of thought. i think i need protection from being overwhelmed and i can best honour that by (1) making goals and lists and not putting myself under so much pressure, and (2) setting boundaries at work and finding ways to deal with the anxiety and pressure i feel.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  computer issues sort of interrupting my ability to do work. my boss asking for me to work for her outside normal business hours. being busy and feeling like i don't have enough time to relax.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i think so, i've needed to cope with work stress before. i think music can help me express emotions and feel better. as can posting on bus or my journal. generally nothing seems to help long-term, i just think the situation with work (more hours than i can quite handle with a difficult boss) is always going to be a problem.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  just typing here. i did boil the water to make tea but going on the computer seemed more important. i could finish making tea, maybe watch some tv, hopefully make some positive goals to help me not feel overwhelmed with the work i need to do on my business.
• How do I feel right now?
  anxious, tense, jumpy.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  calm, strong, happy, relieved
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  a little proud/happy and a little guilty. tomorrow i would feel numb and maybe a bit defiant.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  maybe? if i could be really organised and motivated i could make more goals and get things done earlier, reducing the anxiety and pressure i feel.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. i think i have enough alternatives to try first, and i'll see how i feel later...

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i think my feelings will be pushed away and numbed, helping me get through the shock(and everything else) i'm feeling at losing my job.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - calm, pleasure, satisfaction, punishment. take - some of the progress of moving towards trusting people and getting help, some of my self-respect.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i told my t last appt that i can't do "long-term" - that planning for the long term only makes me scared and uncertain that i can cope with the future and with getting through the short-term stuff. he suggested i aim for medium term goals and i did start doing that. one of my goals are to keep interacting with my support group, the small group of people who i can rely on if i want or need to, some of who may become proper friends if i just keep doing what i'm doing. i feel like that doesn't really matter at the moment, si may make it harder to open up with people but it doesn't totally take me off track.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief should last maybe a week, if i si enough. then i guess i will try and pick myself, make some more goals and try and work for my own business and/or look for another job. the emotions may be less in a week, i might have helpful advice from the support group or my t and be able to use that to keep going. or i might not be ok in a week (whether i si today or not) and i will struggle for a few weeks, i'm not really sure what will happen then.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could watch some tv (like game of thrones that i'm trying to rewatch to refresh for the new stuff). i could read.
  i think distraction is only a temporary thing though, i think there are a lot of feelings trying to come out and i'm not willing or able to let them out. i could try and listen to music, specifically to let emotions out. i could journal/write in my place. i could write an email to my t. i could try some mindfulness and/or relaxation techniques and/or cbt techniques and/or reading through old mental health stuff i've done previously (mood diaries, cbt, journals etc).
  getting in touch with how i feel and expressing it - hopefully that would lessen the feelings, and i'd be able to express things again on wed with my support group and t appt, generally a helpful thing to do. i don't know what specific thing will help me get in touch with my feelings though, i feel pretty stuck.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si i will feel happy/smug/calm tomorrow. if i get in touch with my feelings (or try to) i will feel tired, sad and fragile tomorrow.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  going by the previous answer - si would be so much better in the short term - but i know that it doesn't really get rid of feelings, and i will feel just as stuck and irritable and like something is wrong. self-protectiveness i guess is at the strength of the emotions under the surface. if i let them out i might be overwhelmed but i can honour that self-protectiveness by having a plan about what to do later, whether i still feel stuck or whether i am able to let out the feelings. what to do later will be something like - make a hot chocolate, go to bed, text someone and play with my phone til i'm able to sleep.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  it will protect me from feeling overwhelmed by sadness, anger, disappointment and fear that i feel after finding out i'd lost my job. i have thought about si as soon as i started feeling some of this stuff but the feelings have not gotten easier to deal with and it seems inevitable that i si to stop them.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  not in the exact situation but a number of times it's been similar - strong emotions come up and i can't express them and if i start feeling them i quickly get overwhelmed, afraid the feelings won't stop. i've dealt with it in unhealthy ways similar to this time too - alcohol and/or eating a lot and/or si. i think perhaps i've found some ways to express the feelings in listening to music, that has helped, but i can't think of any other techniques that i have used.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i drank a bit 2 nights ago, and went for a brisk walk (before drinking). i tried expressing some of it in an email to my t (but i kept it very very brief because it didn't seem appropriate (i was emailing in response to something so it would have been a bit off-topic). i started trying to write in my place but nothing came out, i'm not in touch with what i feel. i expressed some things to group members by text.
  everything i might try can hurt me - these emotions will hurt me. i know it's not physical and it's not long lasting, but it's something i'm afraid of, something that does really hurt (and studies have shown that emotional pain affects the same parts of the brain as physical, it *is* pain). maybe to some extent that is something i can use - i can look up what breathing techniques or physical techniques help with pain. i can ease some of the pain, i have some control.
• How do I feel right now?
  my throat hurts a little, and my head, like there are feelings there. i am scared but a little hopeful that i can get through this without si. or at the very least i can experiment and find that i can't cope and then any si will be purposeful not preventative.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  calm, focused, relieved.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  numb, disconnected.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  not really. everyone is likely to freak out a bit emotionally after losing a job. i can deal with it better in the future, but mostly by trying to deal the best way i can now.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  not yet.

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  situation - it won't change anything, i will still need to do the things i need to do and be in the situation i am in. feelings though, i think that i will feel calmer, more focused, i will get rid of feelings that are bothering me.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring a little shame, take away uncomfortable feelings, bring satisfaction and feeling in control.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i don't care. my thoughts are that i'll always be alone, no one sees my scars and no one will. people who may care about me hurting myself don't need to know and si will not harm my relationships with those people.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief will last a few hours and some numbness and calm might last a couple of days. after then i will have appts and a meeting of a group i'm part of, and a t appt that could all change my feelings or help me cope better.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could go to bed, but i'm not sleepy yet and i'm not sure how long it will take to fall asleep, so i'm likely to get frustrated and get up to si anyway.
  i could listen to music. music often helps me get in touch with how i feel and to some extent that might be what i need to do. after that i could go to bed but do other stuff on my phone, maybe text someone to tell them how i'm feeling.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si i will feel powerful, secretive and excited tomorrow. if i avoid si, maybe i will be proud of myself, at least a little?
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  avoiding feelings is not going to make everything better, but i can honour this self-protective instinct by being kind to myself about feelings - it is not weak or wrong to feel angry or upset or sad or frustrated.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i feel like the pain and injury will distract me from su thoughts and take away some of the hopeless feelings.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a familiar solution, a familiar option. it will take away some of the usefulness of other options that involve allowing and accepting feelings, including talking to people about my feelings. it will bring numbness and control and focus, taking away some feelings, some hopelessness and flighty thoughts.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i think/hope to su, there will be no long run. however, my sister's birthday is on friday and i'm trying to prevent myself from falling apart before then, and not until at least a few days after. keeping myself safe is not really that important, i just don't want to ruin her birthday. even if i will ruin her life after that, i am trying to make it a little further without su. si could help me to get past a few days.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it doesn't feel like my best option, hence why i'm doing these q's. it feels like the relief might not last long, and i might si again and need medical attention which is not what i want.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could have a shower, it will warm me, possibly comfort me a little. i need to eat something, i think an early lunch is a good idea (i skipped breakfast). it will help me concentrate/focus so i'm not so scattered, it might make me feel stronger, less likely to fall into su thoughts. i only need to fill a few hours before i'm going to meet my sister and see a movie. after that, i will probably spend more time around my sis until she goes to bed. late night is not too bad, and i will get to tomorrow morning when i have my support group (no idea how that will affect things).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si, i will be numb tomorrow. if i don't, i might be able to express some feelings to my group. not sure i can let out my plans, because they will force me to reconsider and/or stop me.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  self-protection would be su, i really am not able to cope any more. i guess some care of my body with warmth and food is self-protective.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  su thoughts this morning, same as every morning the past few weeks. feeling like i may su before i want to.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i don't think so. previous times i felt su, i didn't commonly think about si. previous times i have tended to isolate and stay stuck in my thoughts, and in this situation i do have people i could talk to instead.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i've spent time on bus, posted here. i've played some games and thought about whether i should talk to someone. i could/should have a shower and eat. it will also distract me to go to the movies and spend time with my sister.
• How do I feel right now?
  lost, alone, in pain but refusing to let it come out and make me fall apart.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  calm, pleased, strong, powerful
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  a little guilty, but numb and happy to have control of my feelings.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  not sure. i have support i could turn to but i don't want to because they may ruin my time with my sister this weekend and stop me from hurting myself.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. i will think about it later though, i think it could be useful still.

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  the situation might change - i could go back to hospital if the residential place knows i si'd. that would be horrible - i was feeling really hopeless when i was there - but to some extent feels right, as if i don't deserve any happiness. i feel like i could keep it a secret, though...
  my feelings would change from uncomfortable and urgy and angry/sad/crazy to calm and in control. i would feel different, but not necessarily better - i might feel guilty, and i would certainly be frustrated about not being able to talk about it, due to possibly getting kicked out of the residential program.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a solution, something that works, something to control feelings. it will take away some of the safety of this place, some of the security and support of being here.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run, i'm scared i won't find anything i really care about, that su is my only hope for the future. partly i want that, it's simple, rather than the really complicated and painful process of living. si might make it easier to isolate myself and think about su, so it will bring me closer to the future i fear - not the other future i hope for, where i'm able to fix the mess in my head.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief will last for tonight and numbness will last through tomorrow i think. after that i will have to decide if i'm feeling low enough and destructive enough to go back to hospital - i really don't want to do that. or si might make me feel better, and i'll have a good week... but it seems unlikely i guess?
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could stay on the computer and play games and write stuff. that will just delay a bit though. i could talk to someone about feeling triggered, but i'm afraid they would upset me - poke the emotions under the surface. i also don't think they'd understand - they may pressure me into going to hospital or something.
  i could listen to music, maybe spend some time creating some playlists. it would probably keep me distracted, and may help me calm some of the feelings. i could also watch some youtube videos, i'm sure there are tons that would entertain me or make me smile.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si i will be numb tomorrow. if i calm some emotions with other stuff i might feel motivated and empowered tomorrow, moving towards some of my goals? best case scenario though, more likely i will still feel conflicted and shitty and will struggle again tomorrow.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  self-protectiveness has been leading me to su thoughts recently so it's not the best judge right now? what i would like to do would be to enjoy myself on youtube, to feel distracted with games and to start to feel more like the good/positive buts of myself, rather than the fear/despair/depression that is sitting there being a shit.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  a detailed si action in a book i was reading was the immediate trigger, but recently there has also been feelings of loss and sadness about my old t leaving and no longer being the long-term support i wanted/needed.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  no i haven't been here before - my current situation is a new one, but i guess i have dealt with detailed si thoughts before. music has often been helpful.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i posted on my place. i went to have dinner with others here. mostly i'm delaying/distracting i guess, i don't know what i can do to actually ease any feelings. maybe music would help, maybe other things would?
• How do I feel right now?
  angry. sad. alone. worthless.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  strong, powerful, angry but happy about it, worthless but happy about it ("you can't hurt me, i hurt me more than you")
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  after i will feel numb and calm. tomorrow i will feel a little ashamed and guilty while secretly happy, smug and powerful that i am able to cope.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i can't avoid loss, i can't avoid triggers. dealing with it better would probably involve talking to people about my feelings - something i seem incapable of doing recently. in the far future, maybe that would be possible, but right now i don't tend to really know how i feel and don't know how to deal with the really strong emotions that i'm feeling now.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. i will delay and try what i can do to help myself. but i still may si later, if i don't feel any better later.