Before *LA*

[zaphriel]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It will block out emotions that I don't want to feel.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring a sense of numbness, but it will make people disappointed in me.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to become ok with my past, and I think that blocking it out won't help any longer.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will probably last until tomorrow, but then I'll want to do it all over again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I've been distracting myself with little success. I've also asked a good friend for help. But it's a complex situation and I'm beginning to think that it is helping as much as it is hurting it.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will be pissed off with myself, but I'll also be happy to look after my wounds. I'll probably still be frustrated with the situation.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to block out the negative emotions so that it doesn't hurt so much. I don't know how to honour the instinct.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I have been struggling with a lot of things. I've wound up in an abusive relationship, which I'm trying to get myself out of now, I've come to the realisation that my mum knew about my childhood abuse and it's crushing me inside to know that she didn't make it stop.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Most of this is new, so no I don't think so.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've tried nesting, but that hasn't worked so much. I've tried distracting myself and that hasn't worked out too well either.
• How do I feel right now?
  Lonely. Angry. Like I don't just want to cut, I really want to fuck myself up.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  I'll feel relief. Numbness. An absence of this emotional hurt.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I'll probably feel the same until the morning, and then it will come right back again.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't really avoid either at the minute. As for dealing with it better, I'm just trying to get through the next few weeks in one piece.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Right now I really feel that I do.

[volta]

hey, zaphriel. i hope it's okay that i reply to this. if not, feel free to ignore it.
you sound pretty overwhelmed, and even a bit panicked. when i'm feeling like that, i find it easier to deal with things after i've calmed down and all the thoughts and emotions aren't crushing me anymore. i know it's late (well, it is in my time zone), but is there anyway you could get outside for a bit? maybe you could go to a friend's house, or a coffee shop - somewhere where there are other things to focus on for the moment?
i hope you're doing okay and managing to stay safe. i'm here if you need to talk.

volta

[zaphriel]

Thanks for replying, and yeah that would probably be the best option but right now cash is at zero and the relationship I'm now stuck in makes a social life nearly impossible. I've told her that I'm leaving soon to go to the states for at least three months and she's flipping out in lots of ways, and it's got to the point where it's becoming physical. I'm scared to do anything that requires leaving the flat and I'm running around behind her back just to get everything done for the trip.
As for the crushing feeling, it's been there since I realised that my mum knew about the abuse that my dad inflicted on me. I always hoped that she would save me if she only knew what was going on. I feel like I wasn't worth saving. That I'm a person that even a mother couldn't love.
And I'm even more scared that I'm right about that.

[volta]

As for the crushing feeling, it's been there since I realised that my mum knew about the abuse that my dad inflicted on me. I always hoped that she would save me if she only knew what was going on. I feel like I wasn't worth saving. That I'm a person that even a mother couldn't love.
And I'm even more scared that I'm right about that.

that is a really hard situation.

*challenging*
i don't know if you can take this right now, or if it will help at all, so if not, please ignore.
is it a possibility that your mother was being abused as well? i'm not trying to justify her not helping you. a mother's charge is to protect and care for her children. i just think it might be worth considering that since your dad was such an abusive person, your mother most likely was terrified of and threatened by him also.
please don't think i'm defending your mother. i just wanted to suggest that she's human, too. i don't think it's that she didn't love you. you're an amazing person. i do think it might be that she was hurting also. she should've helped you. she should've defended you. that's not negotiable. but maybe it wasn't out of a lack of love.
*end challenge*

if okay. please stay safe, zaphriel.

volta

[zaphriel]

From what I can establish, she wasn't being. I've asked her outright, and the only thing she's said is that she was scared of being a single mum with no money. I know that it is still possible, even with her saying that, but I just don't remember seeing fear in her.

Challenges and hugs are fine. The hugs are well needed right now.