write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel better, calm and in control. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring a lot of relief and a coping method i can rely on to take the pain away (for a little while at least)
it will take away the almost 2 and a half years without si. it will take away the strength and power i had in saying 'no' - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i was talking about something yesterday about going in cycles of feeling more depressed and thought maybe this time i'd be able to get out of it a lot quicker. in the long term it would be nice to think that i could be in control of my mental illness, able to cope even when things are hard, able to look to the future with a little optimism.
right now that's still a dream of a dream, but i know si would take me further away from it. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief might last a few days or a few weeks. i would continue to be under stress from uni and after that time is up i think i would probably si again. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
right now i'm waiting for my sis to come home and i'll help make dinner, maybe watch tv and then go to bed. i only have 20-30mins til my sis is home and i could start dinner now if i wanted. i was thinking of si earlier, but i got through most of the day. now it feels like i could/should do it later tonight but before then i might talk to my sis (maybe about si urges, maybe not), and eating food could help.
hopefully i will start to feel better around my sis and that will last til tomorrow at least. tomorrow we are planning to go buy a kitten and i think that will be a fun and interesting day, as well as give me something to care for and play with when i'm feeling bad. not sure if that will work completely. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i would feel guilty and fragile tomorrow if i si tonight. if i don't si but stay in a bad mood i think tomorrow will feel worse, i'll be anxious and urgy. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to calm down. i should go make dinner and then try and relax. perhaps with reading or going to bed rather than watching tv.