Sis - You're a bitch. No offense. Your my sister, and you always will be, but you treat me like crap. You take advantage of the fact that I can never say no, because I'm afraid you'll walk out on me. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of you expecting me to be able to hang out with you on the drop of a dime. And I'm tired of you always bitching to me about Steph. OK, she's my friend too, and she knows me better than you do, and when you bitch about her to me, it makes it hard when I have to go to work. Remember, she my fucking MANAGER! I can't avoid her until the situation isn't awkward anymore. And don't put me in the middle when you and mom aren't getting along. I have enough shit with her already, and I don't need you adding to it. BTW, I get depressed everytime we go out. That's why I'm always "bitchy" as you put it, cuz I just want to go home or drive or something and I need to get away from you. Can't you just understand that? Cuz I know in my own head that if I get too depressed, that I'll cut or take alot more pills than I should, so when I say that I feel like going home, keep in mind, I'm doing it for my own safety and not because I don't like hanging out with you. And seriously, how NAIVE can you be? Do you really think that all the scars on my arm can from scratching on my bedstand in my room? They are all nice and parallel and everything. Yeah, I lied to you, but seriously, would you have even understood if I told you the truth? Come on. Picture it.... "Oh these scars, ... yeah I got them from the razor I keep next to my bed. I do it to myself..." You would have flipped. Sometimes, I have to weigh the pros and the cons in situations, and I know that would prolly like to know the truth, but our relationship isn't the best and I'm not ready to drop a bomb like that. Remember, I love you. Your my big sis, and you always will be.
Dad - Lay off! I'm a big girl now. If you haven't noticed, I'm 20 years old. I don't need you everytime I get a flat tire, or when I'm running low on money. You don't have enough money to keep handing it out to me. Take care of your wife. And, in case you don't know, I really do like Nancy, and that won't change. She's my stepmom and she tries to include me in things, but her health isn't the best right now. You need to take care of her, not me. I can take care of myself. If it gets to the point when I can't take care of myself anymore, I'll let you know. I'll ASK for help. I don't want it handed to me unless I need it. I am a big girl. I am capable of handling my own problems, but when you snoop around and try to find things out without me knowing, GET A CLUE!!! I know that you went through my room when I would come over. I know you would go through my bags and stuff. Can't you just trust me, just once.
I know that I've lied to you, alot more than you even know, but that's only because there are some things that you really don't NEED to know. If I wanted you to know that I was on antidepressants, I would have told you. If I wanted you to know that I'm going to a psychiatrist, I would have told you. If I want you to know that I have been extremely suicidal, I would tell you. And believe me, if it gets to the point that I would really go through with it, I have everything set up. All I have to do is call my friend and say two words, "Call Greg", and she will come and get me and take me to the mental hospital. I am more responsible than you think. I don't need you to watch over me like I'm a delinquent in prison, because I'm not. I have my problems and I am doing the best I can to deal with them. If I need you, I won't hesitate to ask.Mom
- I don't even know where to start here. First, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! I WAS IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL FOR THREE DAYS! I WAS GIVEN A BLOOD TRANSFUSION BECAUSE I WAS EXTREMELY ANEMIC! AND THEN WE GET HOME AND YOU BITCH AT ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY FAST ENOUGH!!! DEAL WITH IT! I GET DIZZY EVERYTIME I FUCKING STAND UP, AND YOU WANT ME TO CARRY THE CLOTHES BACK TO YOUR ROOM? BULLSHIT!!!!! Second, I'm tired of having to go to the store for you. I know that you have a bad knee and that it hurts to walk and I know that you have other things to do, but lets assess the situation here. I have to go to work 8 hours a day. You are a teacher out for summer break. All you have to do is go play cards, and go to movies, and go out to eat with your friends. Don't you think that I want to be able to do things like that? Third, I'm a big girl. DON'T FUCKING YELL AT ME WHEN I GET HOME AT 4 AM WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TIME I WAS COMING HOME!!! I WARNED YOU, AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME, AS USUAL! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD THAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH, AND WHEN YOU DO, YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME!!! Fourth, if I want to take my friend out to dinner or to a movie or just go driving, on my money that I earn with my own job, then don't yell at me. It's my money and it is my life. Don't tell me that she's not worth it. She is my best friend. I love her to death. Don't bitch because I spend more time at her house than I do at yours. Have you ever thought that its because I am more welcome at her house than I am here. Her mother actually shows me that she cares about me. Her mother actually understands that when I tell her something in confidence, that I really mean that I don't want anyone to know. Her mother knows that the two of us both cut and she doesn't pressure us about it. She checks up on both of us, without pushing the issue. She is geniunely worried about how I am doing. Her mother doesn't tell us that we need to go to bed when it isn't even midnight yet. I know how much sleep I need to function, and trust me, I will go to bed when I need to. And if I'm not tired, what is the point wasting time lying in bed pitying myself when I could actually be getting stuff done. See, its part of the way that my brain is wired. I don't require as much sleep as normal people. Don't tell me that MY BEST FRIEND is taking advantage of me. If anyone is taking advantage of me, it's YOU! And don't bitch cuz she called me collect from a long distance phone number. She doesn't have ANY FUCKING CHOICE! She's in the mental hospital! She can only call collect or with a calling card and she just got in there TODAY!!! She didn't really have time to prepare or anything. And don't even ask why she's there! She nearly killed herself LAST NIGHT!!!! And she was able to stop and wake up her mom and 3:30 in the morning to say that she needed to get back into the hospital. If anything, you should be happy for me, because I didn't lose my best friend. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T HANG OUT WITH HER SO MUCH AND THAT SHE ISN'T FUCKING WORTH MY TIME OR MONEY!!!! SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND, AND I WILL BUY HER WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT TO!!! I am completely capable of making my own decisions and I don't need you to make them for me. I am an adult. I know that I live in your house, and trust me, that is the only reason I haven't said this to your face, right before I walk out the door and never come back. And just so you know, I do plan on leaving. Once I am done with college, I will be moving to Ireland with my best friend (ya, the one that you hate) and you will have to come to the realization that if you want to see me, you will have to fly out to Ireland and see me in MY house with MY rules. Don't tell me that I can't do it and that you won't let me or that when we run out of money that we can't come crawling back. I assure you, that will only make me completely hate you. You never believe that I am actually capable of doing anything right. I've even started believing you. The only thing that keeps me from ending everything is the knowledge that if I die, my best friend is coming after me, and that it would absolutely tear Granny and some of the family apart. I would rather live through hell, than have to know that it's my fault that they are hurting so much. I do love you, and I know that you would be hurt if I died, but sometimes, I seriously can't take it anymore, and most of the time, it is YOUR FAULT! And finally, I don't need you to tell me how fucked up I am. Believe, I know. I know better than you do. So just trust that I can take care of myself and just let me be an adult. I do love you, but I don't like you, and as far as I can tell, you feel the exact same way about me.Mom and Dad - This is more of a mixed reaction. When I was in the hospital, you found out that I am on medication, and you saw my arm. You saw the cuts and the scars. You asked about them. I didn't lie to you. I told you that I was working on it, and I expected you to push me more. I expected you to become the overprotective parents that I grew up with. But you didn't. In one way, I thank you for that. But in another, it makes me feel like you don't care. Yeah, you saw my arm, and I told you to leave it alone. But you have never been the kind of people to just give up like that. If you really want to know, sit me down and ask me rationally, not when I have a hospital tech putting an IV in my arm. I know that I want you to back off sometimes and I know that I hate it when you pry into my life, but sometimes, it hurts when you don't because it seems like you could care less that I am in pain and that my way of dealing with that pain, is to take a blade to my arm.
Entire Family - Okay, I only have a couple things to say to yall. What happened to good old-fashioned courtesy? Since when is it okay to start a family lunch when the entire family isn't there yet? Like I though, it isn't. So why exactly have you done it to me three times? One of the times, there wasn't any special thing going on so I will just let that one slide. Another one was on Mother's Day. I was running a little late, because I actually felt like going to church. I'm sorry that my church is downtown while everyone else is closer to Granny's. And don't try to tell me that you all had just started eating. I don't give a flying fuck. If you had just started eating, why couldn't you have waited five more fucking minute until I got there. You knew I was coming, and you knew that I was almost there, and you decided to start to eat anyway. Okay, the third time that you did it was when we were celebrating the April birthdays. I know that we have a big family, and that yall were hungry, BUT IT WAS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! WHAT, DID YOU FORGET THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? DID YOU THINK THAT SINCE MY BIRTHDAY IS ON THE LAST DAY OF THE FUCKING MONTH THAT IT WAS OKAY TO DISREGARD ME? DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T MIND? Well, guess what, I do mind. When you start without me, it makes me feel like I'm invisible, like I'm not a part of the family. The other thing I have to say to you is along a different line. I want to know how hard it is to say "I love you." Honestly, how hard is it? Must be harder than giving childbirth or lifting a car or something, because not a single fucking one of you, not even my own fucking parents, has said it to me in the last ten fucking years!!! The only person who has said it that I can remember is Aunt Shirley, but as you all know, she dead now. She was the only relief that I had at family gatherings, because she was the only one who would make me feel welcome. When we were sitting down to eat, she would offer to sit with the kids, so that I would be able to actually have civilized conversation. But now, the only conversation I get is telling my cousins that they need to eat more of their lunch or they won't get desert, that they need to stop blowing bubbles in their milk, and that it isn't polite to kick eachother under the table. Since when was I the free babysitter. I thought I was actually a member of the family. I know that I am the youngest grandchild and therefore, I am the closest in age to all of the kids, but why does that automatically mean that it is my job to wrangle a 7 year old, two 3 year olds, and a 1 year old? All I want is to be included. I want to know that I am actually welcome, and I want to hear that you actually love me. I don't want to have to assume that you do. I want to HEAR it.
To the world - Don't assume that you understand me. Don't assume that you know what I'm going through. Don't tell me it will be okay, because you don't know if it will be okay. You don't know whether I will die tomorrow or if I will be happily married for 50 years. You have no idea. Don't ask me how I am unless you truely want to know. Don't pretend that you care about me. I don't need people around me who don't give a shit. Don't look at me like I'm a freak. Don't treat me like shit and then expect me to be there when you need me. Don't think that you know me. I have more pain than you will ever know. Just because I look like a happy, fun-loving, carefree college kid on the outside, that doesn't mean that I don't have my own scars that I hide from the world.
Church Buddies - All I can say is thank you. You don't know how much you really mean to me, or how many times the though of you has kept me from walking out on everything I know. You will most likely never know what I feel inside, but I can honestly say that someday, I might be able to say these words out loud to you. I might be able to eventually tell you how much you have helped me. I know that you can see that everything in my life isn't okay, and I know that you would like to know what is going on, but you don't ask. You know me well enough to know that asking would only push me away. You know that when I am ready, I will come to you, and I know that you will always be there for me. And for all of that, I sincerely thank you. I love you guys, more than you will ever know.
Work Gang - You guys are like a family to me, and that means alot. I know that we fight some times, and I know that we cry with eachother sometimes, but that is what makes working with yall so wonderful. You will always be there when I need you, and that is the world to me. I love you all.
Bussers - Thank you. In the short amount of time that I have been here, you have all made an effort to make me feel welcome. You have all made me feel like I am not worthless and that I do deserve to be alive. So, thank you.
Weirdo (you know who you are) - I love you beyond words. You are my guardian angel.
You have always been there for me, and it hurts me to see you in pain. I want to help you the way that you have helped me, but I can't. I can't help you until I'm capable of helping myself, so all I can really do now is try to express exactly how much I love you.
Well, that turned out alot longer than I thought it would be.
But I definitely feel alot better than I did when I started. Thanks to the person who started this thread. It's a great idea. And now that I have practically put my entire life out there for the entire world to see, I think I will stop while I am ahead.~Emily
