before.

[PassingCloud]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Weeks long hidden frustration with myself and the world around me. I am full of anger, disappointment, resentment, regret and unhappiness. I am full of haven't-asked-for-help's and full of don't-know-what-I'm-doing-anymore's.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, many times. A few times I've attempted SU. A few times I ignored it. A few times I hurt myself. A few times I just called a friend.
  after su attempts i ususally felt sick, scared and stupid. after ignorign it I felt worse than before though at very rare times the overwehelmingness of the feelings went away. After I hurt myself, I felt better for a while. After I called a friend I usually felt better after talking to them. I already tried the last option today and it failed. ...
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I have tried to call a friend who wasn't as understanding and empathic as that friend usually is. Which frustrated and annoyed and made me hate myself even further.
  I can watch DVD's. Write online. Read my book. Play with The Boys.
• How do I feel right now?
  Stupid, worthless, absolutely shameful. Hurtful, angry, hurt, disappointed in humanity, even more angry. etc etc.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  ...
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  ...
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can stop expecting people to understand. And grow bitter and useless. *nods*
  yeah.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  one never really needs to do they? I dunno... I am at a loss. I guess I need help but it's too late to call pdoc. Maybe tomorrow morning.

[NobodyToYou]

Just as a question... what does the friend usually do that helps? And if you can identify what is helping, is that something you can work on giving to yourself, so that you won't be as dependent on someone else's reaction?

That probably sounds a bit confusing. I will try to clarify what I mean... I hope it makes sense.

As an example... suppose your friend is usually helpful because he/she validates your feelings and treats you gently. It may help to look at whether you can shift your behaviors or thoughts to include more of those things... to push yourself to be more accepting of your own feelings, or to work on softening your inner critic or arguing with it more.
A friend is a great thing... but obviously you can't count on anyone to always be able to offer what you need at the time. Even if they try to, people mess things up sometimes, or they just don't have what is needed. So while I think having a friend to call is a good thing (and it is a good thing that you called), it is probably also important to practice giving yourself what you need too.

A strange, but perhaps useful way to start is to imagine that you are having a conversation with your friend where things go the way you want them to. Imagine your friend saying the right things, showing how much he/she cares about you, listening to you, etc. If it helps, have the conversation out loud... sometimes I find talking itself helpful, even if it is only me listening. If you can imagine the positive conversation, check to see if it helps you feel any better, even if only a little. If it does, then you know that it is not actually your friend who is making thigns better, it is what your friend is offering that helps, and that you can help yourself find the same things in other places as well.