Before (desire)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I want to. I just got a new tool and I want to use it before I'm made to give it up. I don't want other people to control whether I SI or not, even if it's indirectly.
  
  Apparently, in the past couple of weeks I have changed a lot, according to my husband. Overly energetic, restless, not sleeping much, he says. I guess it's true but I'm feeling fine, so it can't be that big a deal. But he demands that I call my pdoc in the morning.
  
  I trust my husband, but maybe he is misunderstanding stuff? I'm confused, and very much in two minds. Maybe this is the real me and if I didn't take all that medication I would be like this always? Or maybe I'm deluding myself? I can't sort this out...
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I guess so. Sometimes I went with what other people told me, and felt like shit. Other times I just went ahead, and later felt like shit.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have kept busy, long walks and housework, written in my blog (though it mostly frustrates me), answered these questions. Right now I guess I can listen to music and just stay on the computer. Shouldn't walk in the dark.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Tense. Thoughts twisting and turning.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Excited. Focused.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I don't know if it will make any difference. I know my husband will be upset, and I don't want to hurt him, but I also want to be who I am.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know, or I wouldn't be here.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  There are very few things we need to do in life. I want to, though.

[treasure]

just wondering, if you say most things are wants not needs, can you narrow it down? does wanting to si currently feel more or less important than wanting to get support, or wanting to believe your husband or wanting food/rest/etc?

I want to use it before I'm made to give it up. I don't want other people to control whether I SI or not, even if it's indirectly.

can you see that you have the choice to give up the tool? ie you have it now but giving someone the power to indirectly or directly stop you - that is also in your control.

[Stellaria]

Thank you treasure for your reply!

just wondering, if you say most things are wants not needs, can you narrow it down? does wanting to si currently feel more or less important than wanting to get support, or wanting to believe your husband or wanting food/rest/etc?

I guess in the end my love for my husband won out, it was the only thing holding me back.

That was a pretty bad hypomania for my standards, they are usually milder and don't last for a week. I'm glad I didn't do worse things. Now I feel like shit, depressed and anxious, but strangely enough the urge to SI is gone.

can you see that you have the choice to give up the tool? ie you have it now but giving someone the power to indirectly or directly stop you - that is also in your control.

Hmm, it's one of those "the brain understands it, the heart doesn't". Right now I can at least get the concept, but I don't think I would have seen it at the time.

While not everything is perfect, I didn't add more scars this time, that's something to be thankful of.