Before (energy)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I'm so restless. Not sad. Just all this energy in my body and my thoughts are sort of jumpy.
  
  I suspect it's the recent med change. It's happened before that when I increase the lamotrigine, I get up and down and all over the place for 2-3 weeks. Intellectually, I know this. It's just annoying to wait things out, you know?
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yeah... the best is just to walk and walk, but it's in the middle of the night so I guess that wouldn't be safe. Clean, do the dishes, but again, can't wake husband up. Write too many posts on message boards and blogs, I simply shouldn't, too much effort to organize thoughts and there are all these replies that I don't want to bother with later. Online shopping. Do I even have to explain why that is a terrible idea. Take a benzo and go to sleep. Meh. SI - wonderful short term, horrible long term.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I've just written off a bunch of options above, haven't I.
  Maybe I'll just whine about it in my blog until I'm bored.
  There are some photos to go through, to decide which ones to get professionally printed so I can hang them on the wall beside my desk.
  In 2-3 hours, when it's light outside, I can take that walk.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  That strange mix of body discomfort and emotional euphoria. I want to hurt myself for both of those reasons, to calm myself down and for the kick. I don't really want destruction or punishment this time (a common theme at many other times), girls just want to have fun.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I never really know beforehand... but last time I did it, a couple of months ago, it was intense, scary, relieving. Like a rollercoaster ride.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Yeah, I know. Guilty. Because I'm supposed to have stopped. I'm not even supposed to have a tool hidden. And because it really worries my husband. And I'm experienced enough to know that there are always other options.
  
  On the other hand, if I don't do it, I will feel resentful towards "the world" for "forcing" me not to. I know it's my own decision to take into consideration the concern of others, and do/not do things for their sake. I could say "fuck you all", which I don't. Still, it angers me.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I can't really make sure I'm never in this state, it happens, with or without meds. I can anticipate it at times, like during med changes, and use sleeping pills to at least take the edge off. That means no alcohol at all for a few weeks. I don't drink lots and not every day but I like a glass of wine, and I have a strict policy to never mix alcohol and benzoes or sleep meds, and the alcohol tends to win out because it tastes and feels so much better...
  
  I should be honest with pdoc about not using the sleep meds though.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  Need to, of course not. Want to, yes. But I will postpone for a couple of hours, take my walk, have my coffee, take my meds, then decide.

[Stellaria]

This. Sucks.