Family and Mothers

[Lullaby]

I'm not sure if I'm following the rules right, so feel free to poke me with the rule pole if I'm in the wrong ^^; I just finally got the courage to find a place like this.

Basicly, my whole life has been lived under a cloud. Now that I'm out of the house and in a dorm, I'm realizing how much has affected me. I have such trouble coping that I do things I never thought I would do. Anyways, pretty much it's my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she's supported me financially, but not where it counts.

Back when I was confused over my sexuality, she stopped loving me and threatened to disown me. She couldn't even look at me I disgusted her so much. I'm a pretty timid and calm person and even as a teenager, I never rebelled. I've never had sex or alcohol or drugs or anything, but that one thing has deemed my teenage-hood to be labeled as horrendous. I was sent to a place to reform me through christianity and I thought I was until two and a half years ago when I met the gal of my dreams.

I still struggle with the sexuality thing because I would love nothing more than to be who my mom wants. It took me so long to earn her love back and I don't want to lose it. Fast forward two years to the college student I am now.

Then Monday I found out an animator from Pixar that I look up to is coming to my school and I was so excited. My mom just gave birth to my little brother. He's 20 years younger than me. I was supposed to come home and see them this weekend, but I wanted to see the animator. She wasn't happy. Basicly, she went ape on me. She made me cry harder than ever, comparable to the confusuion thing. She accused me of being a monster who is incapable of love and threatening to tell the entire church what a monster I am. She said a lot of things to hurt me and she did apologize later, but after so many years, I'm tired of forgiving her.

I always try and put others before myself and volunteer for charity. I've worked for years to try and earn her respect and to make her proud and I'm so drained. I'm just realizing how much it's affected me. I get scared and panicy at the stupidist things and I stress out so much that I make myself sick. I even SI sometimes because I hate myself because I can't live up to her standards.

Lately I'm just so drained I have no feeling, especially after that attack. I'm not going into any details because I don't want to relive it. I just don't know how to cope anymore with this. I know it's probably just me and my mom is a good person, but I'm at my wit's end.

Any help would be appreciated. Sorry this is so vague, but I don't think I can bring myself to go into details now. Sorry if this is rule breaking as well ^^;

[guest567]

Firstly, welcome to BUS! I hope you find this place as useful as I have. As far as I know, you have not broken any rules in posting this.

I'm sorry the relationship with your mother hasn't been a good one. A mother's job is not just to support you financially, but in all aspects of your life and I'm sorry to hear that hasn't been the case.

You should live your life how you want to live it and not how you think your mum wants you to live it. It is your life and you should be content with who you are, and your mum should be happy with that whatever your sexuality is.

I can see why your mum wanted you home in order to see your new little brother, however the way she handled the situation was not acceptable at all. Can you give her time to calm down and then explain to her that this is someone you look up to and would really like the opportunity to meet and maybe come home afterwards or the weekend after and that the reason you want to stay at school is not because you don't want to see her or your new little brother?

You are not a monster, just someone who is trying to create a life for herself and follow her own dreams. Have you considered seeing a counselor or professional to help you? It seems you are a little lost with who you are, what you want etc because you are so worried about your mum's reaction will be and maybe you need some help breaking away from that so that it doesn't affect you as much?

[zazie]

Hi. It doesn't sound like you're a bad person. An animator from Pixar is a major opportunity, and it seems like a reasonable choice.

It doesn't sound like your mom handles things well when you disagree with her, or treats you well. She may mean well, but it's not good for her to dump that much guilt on you.

[PLAIN JANE]

I agree with dream..maybe a little help sorting these feelings out would be a good thing?