write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It certainly will not change the scenario at hand. It'll only give me cuts really. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Hurting myself will bring a sense of relief from the conflicting thoughts between good memories of J and the final goodbye. However it will take away the strength I had without the use of SI. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to be able to forget about the arguments me and J had and then work it out, however if that doesn't work, then we simply go our separate ways and remember the good times. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It'd probably last the morning, which is the only length of time that I am alone to myself until things change. Then I will be at school doing coursework and then going to karate. I can hold it out that long I'm sure. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could use a meditation podcast to relax. I could practice karate out the back garden. If I feel upto it I could even go to school this morning (Although I'll end up extremely unproductive).
The meditation podcast could help me chill out for the morning and focus on schoolwork, although it could fail. The karate would help tire me out somewhat. And going to school would probably make my thought patterns worse. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Probably a right ol' dick if I hurt myself tomorrow. Then I'd end up back in that vicious circle of evil-ness. If I did the other things then, although I may keep thinking they are not as effective as SI in the short run, at least tomorrow I can wake up with no regrets of my actions. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to be able to continue with my life without SI and I want to not have to think like this over things. Although that may not change...at least I need to cope with it.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
The fact that the conflict between good memories and bad memories of me and J are doing my head in big time, and I want it to shut up. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Not to this extreme no. By that I mean we have had arguments before but still got over it. This time we're not getting over it together, but going our own separate ways. Dealing with it involved talking to him, and we moved on, so this is kind of new for me. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Cried to Mum about it, and she is letting me have the morning off school to calm down about it. Other things that wont hurt me that I can do include another meditation podcast, eating some food, getting a nice hot drink, having a shower, continuing to talk to others. (Just not J of course) - How do I feel right now?
Empty, lost, without someone I liked, although I cannot respect the way he is. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Forgetful, occupied in the way that I can understand for myself. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Extremely stupid as I know I am stronger than that, and will regret it probably with more SI, so it cannot be done. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Well...I guess it'll happen all the time. It may end up with J again, it may be with someone else, but friendships are always changing. - Do I need to hurt myself?
HELL NO!! Just a huge want-age to do it, but from what I've put I know there is a ton more I can do.
