write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Very temporary relief. Less faith in my new idea on how to deal with things (getting more urgy or having more slips in the short run doesn't mean I'm wrong about changing my focus on dealing with things, but it doesn't inspire confidence). I'll be closer to developing an unhealthy pattern around bedtime. I'll have more thinking and worrying about possible marks tomorrow and in the future. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Bring: Relief (short-term). Worry (medium and long-term). Satisfaction. Support for the unhealthy and untrue thought patterns that make me think I need to SI to justify getting sympathy.
Take: Some of the good feelings I had earlier tonight where I managed to get my mind off things and keep them off for a stretch. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Right now, my long-term plans are to deal with bad feelings and lack of self-esteem, and focus on things like not feeling as bad and not devaluing myself. If I SI now, that doesn't mean I've failed already, but it does mean I haven't had as much success as I wanted yet. So farther, somewhat. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Most of the evening. Tomorrow I'll have stuff to do during the day, and I can easily end up in the same boat tomorrow evening. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could read or keep surfing the internet. It would stall for time. It would also mean I was short on sleep and tired tomorrow. Eventually I'm going to have to turn the lights out and lie down and be alone with my thoughts and no distractions.
I could try running my ipod quietly and see if I can fall asleep with background music. It's at least semi-distracting. It might work. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Other thing: Tired. Less worried about having a pattern. More confident.
SI: Sort of satisfied and urgy at the same time. Disappointed in myself. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Honoring the self-protective instinct? Probably post here, set a time limit on how long I can keep reading posts on here, then go to bed not too late with music on, and at least try to see if that works.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Some is general life stress. Some is hormones doing a number on my head. Some is because I slipped yesterday and part of my brain is taking that as 'you may as well keep at it; you've blown the no-cutting streak' permission. (Which isn't rational; it's not like having slipped yesterday makes coping today meaningless.) - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Fairly close yesterday. I slipped. I tried and I slipped. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've gone to the gym. I've tried to keep myself occupied. I made sure to get a reasonably healthy dinner with protein and not too much sugar. I talked about things on here. I tried distractions.
I can try the music idea. I can work on coming up with positive thoughts about how it's good not to slip. I'm not terribly confident that the positive thoughts will work the first night, but it's important I try and work on them regardless. - How do I feel right now?
Tense. Craving and hormonal and nervous and a bit guilty at the same time. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
While it's happening, good. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Good and relaxed right after.
Tomorrow; regretful and kind of guilty. Less confident about working on positive and healthy coping skills. Nervous about showing marks. More tempted to make it a pattern. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure that out. I've posted elsewhere on the forum asking for suggestions. I can't avoid it, but I think there's a way to plan for it, even if I don't know what it is yet. - Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't need to. I need to resist temptation and develop skills at resisting urges without getting down on myself. I'll work on those and do my best not to SI.