After - sorry

[zazie]

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yeah. It was pretty minor in terms of actual damage.

* what had happened just before?

I'd been keeping myself busy all day, puttering around the house, watching TV, doing chores, puttering around on various internet forums and whatnot. At one point I found something conveniently sharp I hadn't expected. After that I really wanted to try it out, and I ran out of things to do to occupy myself.

* what were you thinking and feeling?

Thinking mostly "I shouldn't" and "I wanna!" I tried "I'm not going to do this", but it didn't work.

Feeling...mostly the obvious stuff. Nervous. Tempted. Frustrated that I wasn't letting myself. Guilty for wanting to.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I ran out of things to do that evening. No way to keep myself distracted.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I've been in a stressful situation (life in general), and trying not to do anything too unhealthy. Intermittent phases of urge and distraction. I hadn't had any good tools, then I checked something that might be a tool. I tried to keep myself occupied, but then I ran out of ways. Going to bed is a bad time for me, because I have ages of alone-with-my-thoughts time between getting into bed and sleep. I don't fall asleep easily.

I suppose I could have done more of a call for help on here or a chat room for this kind of thing or something. Beyond that, I don't know. Talking to someone I know off the internet about it would have involved too many stressful revelations for me to handle right now.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Can't think of any. I've been generally short of sleep, but well-rested the past few days.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

Talking about it to people on here staved off the urges temporarily. So did distractions and exercise. I think if I hadn't found such an obvious opportunity, that would have gotten me through.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Like I said, an obvious call for help.

Also, I think I need another way to think about it. Not SIing is too wrapped up in my head with 'being a good girl' and 'behaving', and SI is too wrapped up with 'being self-indulgent' and 'something for me'. That's not a good way to think about it. More obviously healthy ways to think about it grate in my head because they feel fake, but I can work on finding some mental terminology that neither encourages bad habits nor makes me want to throw things.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

- Really think of a better way to phrase things mentally so I'll remember in the future when I get the urge.

- Make myself work through the after questions and post, so I have a lasting reminder to be more open about wanting help before letting things get out of hand.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

Temporarily resolved. I've satisfied the urge, and I don't think it'll get bad for a while. No long-term resolution, but I can't think of any good forms of long-term resolution I can get myself to actually do.

I feel kind of guilty because I tried not to, and I said on here I wouldn't, and then I went and did it anyways. I mean I tried, which counts for something, and I'm sure you're all used to people having that problem, but I still feel guilty.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

It's really more of an urge buildup than anything else, so yeah. I can tell because I spend a stretch thinking about it and fighting off the urge. I don't know anything a hundred percent effective to do about it, but I can see it coming.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Most of what I'll try I tried; it only works sometimes. Four things.

- Being around people when I get urgy.
- Keeping myself distracted during the roughest bits. It doesn't solve things, but it buys time.
- Going to the gym and trying for a healthy endorphin rush.
- Posting on here for more direct help.

* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

- First really obvious opportunity I'd had in a while.
- Generally kind of stressed and overwhelmed. Low mental defenses right now.

* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

Kind of half and half. I found it unexpectedly, but part of my brain was looking.

* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

Probably alternated between distraction and white-knuckling it until it went away.

* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

Neither, really. Sort of persisted. It would have decreased eventually

* What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

Alone while having an urge. Especially alone with new tools, but sometimes I don't need tools (hitting and biting bad habits).

* If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Sort of frustrated. Probably get more aggressive about looking for opportunities.

[sixtyfoothigh]

Just wanted you to know I had read.
S x

[zazie]

Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't manage to hold off completely. And I'm trying to be sorry for the right reasons (it's not good for me to give into urges) instead of just because of the possibility of disappointing someone else. I did learn some things about what is and isn't effective when it comes to using the board to deal with urges, and I have some ideas to try for future incidents which should hopefully help me do better at holding off in the future.