Instead

[zazie]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

Situation? Not much.
Feelings? I'll feel sort of relieved, sort of guilty, and sort of...validated? A "Yes, this is real, I'm not just being whiny for feeling this way" sense.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I don't know. I can't think of an answer.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I'm sort of torn. Part of me wants to pull myself together, and just be okay. Put the whole mess behind me and all. Obviously, SI would take me farther from that.

Part of me wants help. Wants to go to the doctors, get talk therapy, antidepressants maybe, whatever, and just feel better. Feel better in a way that I don't get the crushing bad moods, and I have self-esteem on a consistent basis. SI would make me feel more like I have real problems, and am therefore justified in getting help. But it wouldn't get me to go get actual help yet, so I'm not sure if it'd do me any practical good in that sense or not.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It'll bring me relief for maybe an hour, after which it will have faded, and I'll be fine. Mostly it's the urge hanging around for ages if I don't give in, and fading quickly if I do. But it won't help in the long run.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Get out of my apartment. Go for a walk, and see that movie I want to see. It'll put it off for a bit, but the urge will be nagging at me for a while until it fades on its own.

Do this post. It should buy me at least some of the "This is real" feeling I'm looking for, and won't actually hurt me. I do have irrational guilt about 'burdening' the people here with this, but anyone reading these posts knows what's likely to be here, and is choosing to hang around and try to be helpful.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I do the other thing - urgy, and disgusted with myself for wanting to do it for such petty-seeming reasons. Probably guilty over kicking up a fuss in front of people about how I want to SI, as opposed to just stifling and not making trouble. Like I was whining over nothing.

If I SI - relieved and guilty at the same time. Disappointed with myself. Satisfied on a weird level I can't define. Worried about the possibility of getting caught and making a mess of things.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to cut. I haven't cut for years, but I really want to cut right now. Then go out and see a movie.

I also want to post on here and get some sort of validation. I'm not sure what, really.

As for honoring the self-protective instinct? I don't know.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

A lot of background stress. PMS, new job, moving.

Guilt over a lot of the borderline-SI stuff (and a few not-really-borderline things) that I've been telling myself doesn't really count because it's not cutting. And having someone validate my inner sense that it really does count. (I'm still calling the non-damaging stuff that only hurts less bad, but that's different from pretending it's fine.)

Having somewhere I can be honest about it and get understanding.

Probably a bit of attention-seeking.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Not here, exactly. Similar enough. Mostly I either white-knuckle it or cheat (doing the "It doesn't count because it's not cutting" stuff). Distraction works sometimes, but it builds up again.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I wrote this post. Hopefully, I can nerve myself up to actually post it, then go out and walk around and do other stuff so I don't think about urges so much.

I can go to the gym today. People always say that's a stress relief thing. I never feel it, but that's what they say.

* How do I feel right now?

Nervous. Tempted. Guilty for wanting it so much.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Good, honestly. Relieved, and actually pretty good.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Guilty. Relieved. Satisfied. Scared.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I don't know. In the short run, not signing up for things like this board (which is what set off the latest round of urges) avoids the stressor, because it's more tempting to act up like this when I can be listened to and get sympathy and understanding. In the long run, not talking about it to anyone isn't all that good for me. I don't know the good answer. Probably find a way to talk about it and either not get urgy or not get as urgy. But I don't know what that is just now.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

No. I really want to, but I don't need to. I'm not going to be unable to cope if I don't. Just frustrated and tempted.

I won't do it. I'll be good and not do it.

[sixtyfoothigh]

Do this post. It should buy me at least some of the "This is real" feeling I'm looking for, and won't actually hurt me. I do have irrational guilt about 'burdening' the people here with this, but anyone reading these posts knows what's likely to be here, and is choosing to hang around and try to be helpful.

Yup!

[quote="zazie]I also want to post on here and get some sort of validation.[/quote]

There's nothinhg wrong with wanting validation. What kind of reply would help with this?

I wrote this post. Hopefully, I can nerve myself up to actually post it, then go out and walk around and do other stuff so I don't think about urges so much.

Well done for actually posting. I really hope posting it helped you. Moving house and changing jobs are up there with the most stressful things you'll ever do. Hopefully once they're out the way you will have less urges etc. Hope the gym helps!

Take care
S x

[zazie]

Thanks! I'm not really sure what I mean about the validation. Mostly not rejection is what I have in mind. Like I have the irrational worry that I'm going to say something and you're all going to go "You big faker! You have no real problems! Go away and stop dumping your troubles on people who have actual issues, you spoiled brat!" Obviously, I haven't seen anything to make me think that will happen, but irrational fears are irrational. Not getting that reaction helps.

Basically, what I want long-term (not necessarily from one reply) is working away from the sense that it's petty whining unless it's bad enough that I SI, and towards the sense that just feeling bad is real enough of a problem and worth being helped. And maybe confirmation that when I 'make myself behave' and don't SI, that doesn't mean everything is fine and I should just tough it out and live with the uglier mood swings I get and a general lack of self-esteem. (I have a really hard time making myself believe anything good about myself. There's no reason for it that I can see.)

[sixtyfoothigh]

Personally I'd rather read someone's 'petty whining' posts all day long if I know it has helped (even only a little bit) in them resisting the urge to SI. And I don't think your posts come across as petty or whining anyway. Your posts come across as clear and articulate. I think I understand what you mean about revalidation... I've definitely worried that my issues aren't big enough unless they I have actually SIed. But that honestly honestly isn't true!!! SI is a coping mechanism and if you SI it relates more to your ability at anyone time to resist the urge and less to do with the seriousness of the situation. I can think of numerous occasions when I've SIed over something 'trivial' and even more numerous occasions when I've managed to resist the urge, despite how horrible the situation I was in. I'm not sure I've said that right, so I hope it makes sense!

Anyway I hope you keep posting here and I hope it helps.

S x

[zazie]

Thanks. There's a lot of stuff where the intellectual part of my brain knows these things (I'm not annoying everyone with petty whining, it doesn't take SI for problems and bad feelings to be real and meaningful and worthy of help) but I haven't been able to get myself to completely believe it with my whole mind. It's good to have other people confirm and repeat it.