Before You Self-Harm

[noldo]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I will feel calmer and less anxious and angry and maybe even able to sleep. It's already 2 am here.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I just started to stop si'ing, counting days and was motivated to follow through with it. Now I just don't care. I mean, my arms are messed up anyway... So I think I'd be okay with hurting myself.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Don't know, at least the relief will last through the night, hopefully through the day and then... no idea. When it stops, I'm just right here again... cut or no cut.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Sleep would be really good but I have a lot of problems to fall asleep. Stay busy with the internet maybe... but today I feel quite destructive so I probably would only be on sites or looking at pictures or videos which won't do my any good. but I can try to distract me with games here. I could cuddle with my dog but I feel too restless or exercise but I feel too tired... I don't know if I can do any things that will lessen the will to si, I only can think of things to distract me till I fall asleep.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'd be okay tomorrow with hurting myself (only if I cut shallow which I would tonight), maybe I'd be a bit proud if I manage not to si but right now I don't really care...

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to express my anger and anxiety in a healthy way... I'm not used to deal with anger in a healthy way - I always direct it towards me. Twice I slashed a canvas but I don't have any right now with which I could do it. Don't feel like it either. I want to scream and shout at somebody, then cry and be held. Not possible since I live alone and it's in the middle of the night.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Not feeling good since some days, did cut on friday after weeks of being si-free. I'm angry and anxious and I can't deal with it. And I don't even really know why I'm feeling like it.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Very very rarely... slashed up a canvas, painted with red and black, wrote in my journal... did help... at least so far that I didn't need to cut anymore.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Distracting me with tv, organising things, writing letters I needed to write, being a bit on bus, posted in my place. I can go out shortly even though it's really late to get a bit of fresh air - need to go out with my dog anyway. Distracting myself with games on bus or looking after pictures and stuff like that.

How do I feel right now?

Sad, anxious, angry, very angry.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

It will bring some relieve - how much depends on how deep and how much I'm cutting. Really need to avoid to cut so deep that I need stitches cause I don't want to leave my dog alone and it would be difficult to get to the hospital cause it's so late.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Hopefully calmer, not as angry. Tomorrow maybe a bit disappointed, don't know for sure.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Avoid - not that I know... I don't even know why it popped up today. Need plan on how to deal with it better, don't know it so far.

Do I need to hurt myself?

I'm not completely sure... maybe.