after ---language----

[presh]

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
-i wiped them off with spit and my sleeve

* what had happened just before?
-my precious dog cubba woke me with sounds of her being violently sick - vomiting, bloody diarrhea (gag), dry heaving, crying, whining, etc...
-as i was taking care of cub, a dear chum texted me needing me, but i was still very much shaken up with my situation with cubba. i upset my friend via text because i wasnt there for her as I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN for i was too frantic and caught up worrying/crying and going into fucking hysterics over my baby (cubba).

* what were you thinking and feeling?
-i felt horrible, FUCKING BLOODY HORRIBLE, for making my friend upset and feel as if she wasnt a priority. it threw me off the edge. i need to be there. at this point, cubba was lying next to me, still sick - vomiting - but i had her wrapped in blankets on my bed and i was rubbing her head and trying to soothe her. I NEEDED TO TEND TO MY FUCKING FRIEND - SHE NEEDED ME, AND I PUT HER ON HOLD WHILE I WAS PANICKING OVER MY FUCKING DOG.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
-i still nearly always end up hurting myself - dbt, cbt, individual therapy, art therapy, mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, benzos... not to mention the 'alternatives to SI' (rubberbands, ice-cubes, red markers, screaming, exercise, writing, drawing, punching bags etc...) - i still dont want to stop hurting myself. the only thing that instills any guilt within me regarding SI/SH/SM is the look on my mum and/or Ts face when they see scars, bruises, burns, scabs, sores, wounds, cuts, black eyes, swollen hands, etc...
but that IS why i am here - i do hope someone responds to this AFTER post. this is my second AFTER post --- no responses to my first... (and, yes, i am fully open to challenges! please visit my PLACE --- )

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
-i felt like a horrible fucking person, a horrible friend, a horrible confidante to someone who has always trusted that she could come to me in times of crisis and pain regardless of the situation/the hour/her state/my state/etc --- (as ive said in my PLACE, i have periods of what i describe as 'noise brain-traffic', and moments where i feel im being played in fast-forward - i sound like a complete fucking lunatic) so, i felt the brain-traffic, the spins... tonight, i felt those periods of hazy, dreamy dissociation and then SNAP! - i 'come to' and im sitting in my shower fully clothed, the water running... the 'deed' having been done.
-i just dont know how to stop the brain-traffic, the fast-forward dizziness. i try taking my benzos --- but to no avail. im fucking trying... i do hate this. im not happy with this. 21 yrs of this... im too old to blame it on teen angst. its getting fucking old - but im not ready to stop. BUT IM HERE ---

* were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
-i was woken up by cubba by her violent sickness - but ive been sleeping better and had been asleep for several hours before being awoken. drank some wine and a beer 6+ hrs ago, but wasnt drunk even when i went to bed. this question makes me very fucking paranoid...

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
-i tried to talk with my friend, but she was very upset. i tried to just cry... as i said above, the brain-traffic and fast-forward spins kick in hard and fucking heavy and i dont have much time to settle myself.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
-ill try to hold onto the distraction and game forums longer ---

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
---

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
-no. ill continue to post in before/after and hope for advice/responses (?)
-again, challenges are very welcome in my PLACE (titled 'CROSS ALL YR FINGERS')

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
-oy, yes. how will i recognize it? again - brain-traffic/ff-dizziness and my pseudo half-assed dissociation

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
-distractions forum
-games forum
-random weirdness forum

[sixtyfoothigh]

Pets being ill is very stressful. Yes it's important to be there for your friends, but if you don't look after yourself then you won't be able to be there for your friend anyway. Your pet has you as it's only carer and right then needed you to make sure it was ok. A good friend will understand that. Your pet doesn't have the ability to understand why you can't be there when it needs you and your (human) friend does. Prioritising your pet wasn't the wrong thing to do.

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
-i wiped them off with spit and my sleeve

It's good that you did something to take care of the wound. Do you think in the future you could try and use clean water and a bandage to take care of the wound instead?

Hope you and your pet are feeling better.
S x

[presh]

s -
thank you for yr response---

im feeling a bit more calm.
just embarrassed, and wish i could just erase
my post (not to mention the whole episode).

i took a proper shower and cleaned my wounds
(nothing too serious... thank DOG).

again, thanks for yr concern, love and advice.
and i think cubba is feeling a bit better, though i am
EXHAUSTED from being up with her all night...
poor thing is wiped out too...

xoxo
presh

[sixtyfoothigh]

Glad it wasn't too serious... I know the feeling about wanting to forget the entire episode :-?

Hope you both get some sleep now.

S x