- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeah. i mean i'll deal with the scars and the questions with lack of stitches, but i'm used to that unfortunately. - what had happened just before?
i was trying to study for chemistry and write my philosophy essay. nothing really happened immediately before - what were you thinking and feeling?
i think i was feeling that i had to let go, and i didn't really understand why, and that i was a failure at writing philosophy papers - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
see, this is what i don't get at all. it's been 11 months since i last hurt myself, and lots of bad things have happened. on tuesday, nothing really bad happened. it was just another day of being frustrated about school and body image. nothing as bad as things that have happened. i just felt really strongly like i was being forced to do it when i didn't want to. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i don't know... there was not really a chain of events. there was a period of an hour when i fought with whatever was making me do it, sitting on my bed and crying and yelling at it, and maybe then something could have stopped me. i could have tried harder to beat it, told someone the truth. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i guess just ED stuff and grades - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i didn't try anything because it wasn't really that i was having trouble coping. it was that something told me i had to SI. it was really weird. i mean, i've been doing alright with coping. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i guess i should have just tried harder about calling someone. that's not really a coping method though. like i said, that wasn't really the problem. i have coping methods that i know work. i guess i just felt like every coping method would just put off the inevitable, that it would happen no matter what. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
think harder about the things i am losing. think harder about the person i want to be. - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
no, because i don't understand what made me do it. i think maybe it had something to do with some weird kind of dissociation or something because i felt like the me i identify with was in fierce battle with some other force, someone else telling me i had no choice, i had to do it. so i'm not sure how to resolve that. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, probably. i don't know. i don't know how to deal with impulses that are things i feel like i absolutely don't want to do but that are things i feel like i am forced to do. i don't know where the force is coming from, so i don't know how to deal with it. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. tell somebody 2. take myself out of a situation where it's possible 3. delay more
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
just the idea that it wasn't me i guess, that i was too weak to fight it, that it was acceptable for me to just give up to the force. - Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was kind of there. i didn't really have to go out of my way. - What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i don't think i would have done anything, because it wasn't really an urge related to anything immediate in the world. it was just a voice in my head that had been telling me i had to. - If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
i guess the voice might have just built. i don't know. maybe it would have gone away. i'm never sure. - What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
well i was alone and had tools but i absolutely did not have the right feeling and i absolutely did NOT want to do it. i really didn't. - If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
happy
After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
- Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
kind of, although this situation is really complex. it's not like when i use to SI because i wanted to or needed to to deal with things. - If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i guess last time i just felt really sad about my life and relationships and really nostalgic. it was kind of different though because i felt like SI-ing would help me deal with that sadness. - What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
delaying. talking to friends. thinking about what i want from my life, and who i want to be as a mother in the future. - Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
i think they were effective. they got me through anyway. - If No - What coping skills got me through?
- Why do I think they worked?
because i really don't want to be this person anymore. and i know this is not a feasible life solution to problems. i don't want to be self injuring when i'm thirty or forty, and i know that how i act today defines my tomorrows. i don't want this for myself, so it helps to think about that and focus on the person i want to become. - How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't know. i feel like i don't really think i have control over my feelings of sadness and nostalgia sometimes when i actually do. so maybe just being more aware of my control over my own emotions. i shouldn't give up what little control over them i have.
