not giving in

[oswedishfishie]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Nothing will really change. The situation will still be there, and I'll still have to deal with it.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Right now, it will relieve the tension and make me feel better. As far as what will it take away, it will keep me from directly dealing with the issue. Instead, I'll be escaping into my coping mechanism.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel like I've been strong. that I've learned from this. Hurting myself will make me feel farther away from my goals, like i'm not learning to deal productively with this.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last for a couple hours. Till tomorrow, when I wake up. Then, I'll probably be close to tears because of the shame.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I can post here. I can go to bed early. I can pray. I can e-mail a friend who knows about my situation. (It's too late too call, and it's not serious enough that I could justify it.) I'll feel like i've resisted the urge, that I've actually tried to avoid cutting.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, I'll hate myself. I'll be mad and feel guilty. The worst, as always, will be when I shower, because it will hurt, and I won't be able to forget about it. If I do something else, I'll wake up tomorrow knowing I didn't cut, even though I wanted to. I can be proud of myself, I can feel like I'm making progress.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now I want to just go to sleep. Say a good night prayer, and sleep. I know I"ll probably feel better in the morning (my urges are always worst in the afternoon and evening), and by going to sleep I don't give my self the chance to SI.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm stressed. I started a new job. Insstead of giving myself a chance, I'm already assuming I'm not cut out for it. I'm anticipating failure, even though I haven't even given myself a chance. I'm envisioning the worst case scenario, instead of waiting to see what happens.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I've been here before. Sometimes I've cut. I've felt better immediately, but felt worse the next day.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've had a couple drinks, although that probably makes things worse rather than better. I've come onto the webboard. In the past, this hasn't been the first place I've come to when I've wanted to SI. I'm trying to change that habit. I can focus on all the reasons not to SI.

How do I feel right now?
Now, I'm kind of torn. I still want to SI. But I'm starting to realize that it won't make things better.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'll have mixed emotions. Physically I'll feel better. Emotionally, I'll feel worse.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll feel guilty. Like there's something wrong with me.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it, the situation is what it is. But I can deal with it better. I can do my best. I can trust that life isn't perfect. I can do my best, and the rest isn't up to me. Life is hard enough without dealing with the worst case scenarios when they haven't even happened.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No. Do I want to? Yes. But do I need to? No! Will I regret it later if don't? Certainly not! Will I still feel this way tomorrow? Possibly. But i can deal with it again tomorrow. One day at a time. At least tomorrow morning I'll be able to smile at myself in the mirror and tell myself I made it through another day.

[sixtyfoothigh]

Firstly, welcome to B&A (and bus generally )

I find drinking tends to make urges harder to beat as well, so it's good that you recognise that.

I hope your new job gets less stressful soon.

S x

[oswedishfishie]

Thanks. Things with the job are ok. It's just my first "real job" since finishing grad school. My perfectionistic traits have me worried that I won't be "good enough." I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but it's hard sometimes.

Also, sorry, I realized I was supposed to post this as a "before." Oops! I forgot. I'd say I'll try to remember next time, but I'm trying to be optimistic and hope there's not a next time.

-K