Before

[Diane M]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I might feel clean

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
No but i might feel clean and not so filthy inside

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel normal but its not happening

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
sleep

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
ashamed and have to admit it to my psychologist

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
hide away forever

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer



Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
the abuse, the filthy feelings that just won't go

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?


How do I feel right now?
low so low and alone really alone

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
initially good cos i will be punishing myself

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
ashamed

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
wish i knew

Do I need to hurt myself?
yes
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[balletomane]

Hi Diane.

I am sorry you are feeling like you need to hurt yourself. I am wondering, is there anything else you can try to remind yourself that the feeling that you are "unclean" is just a thought/feeling? Or something else that is healthy that you can do to symbolically decrease the intensity of the feeling?

I don't know anything about processing abuse and the related feelings, so I don't know if my suggestions are right. But what I do sometimes for feelings of self hatred is write out the thought/feeling a bunch of times and scribble over it to completely obliterate it and get it outside of me. It's sort of a symbolic way (much like cutting is actually symbolic for me) of decreasing the intensity. Are there any things that you can think of that might work for you?

I am so sorry that you feel the need to punish yourself because you endured abuse, Diane. It wasn't your fault. You aren't unclean. It isn't a reflection on you in any way, but a reflection on the person who abused you. I hope you can find a way to hold onto that, so you don't feel the need to hurt or punish yourself.

Be gentle with you. You are beautiful.

[WhaleCounter]

Diane,
I hope that you did not hurt yourself. It may be hard to see and feel when you are in that frame of mind (i know, i was just there on Sunday), but you don't deserve to be hurt. I think that's the hardest thing to get ourselves to believe. I don't always believe it. But it is true. We are all unique and wonderful individuals.

You stated several times that you feel filthy inside. You are NOT filthy - the person who hurt you is. It is devestating, awful, tragic, what has happened to you. But it was not your fault and you did not deserve it.

I know that doesn't make any of it better, it doesn't take any of it away. LIfe is so unfair. But, what we can control is ourselves. And you do have the power to value yourself, by treating yourself well.

Some constructive ideas for when you are in pain and want to harm yourself - try to let your anger out, either by writing, or yelling, or punching your pillow! Even getting outside for a walk and fresh air can help clear your mind.

Another thing that my therapist always tells me is to imagine that I have a daughter who wanted to hurt herself. What would I tell her? How would I feel if she were hurting herself? I'm not sure if that will help you or not, but sometimes it does help me because I can remind myself that I do care about me, that I can love myself, and that there are other people who want me too, even if my husband does not.

I hope that you were able to get through the day okay. {{{{Hugs}}}}