write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll feel better for a little bit, but then I'll feel worse because I gave into the urge. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it'll bring guilt and shame, and also worry because I'll be stressed over trying to hide under short-sleeved shirts. but it will also take away the tension and the restlessness. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
maybe fifteen or twenty minutes--just long enough for the relief to fade and for it to sink in that I slipped up and SI'd. then I'll probably cry, and I'll feel better for crying, and then I'll probably shove everything to the back of my mind to think about later. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could play my DS, I could write, I could talk to a friend on livejournal... if I can keep myself focused on it, it'll probably distract me from the urges and I may just be able to make it through this. doing that until I'm too tired to stay awake would get me through the night and at least a portion of tomorrow. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I SI I'll hate myself and be worried everyone at work will find out, or my mother will find out, and I'll obsess over it and want to do it even more, and I'll feel utterly miserable. if I don't SI I may still feel an urge but I'll be proud for resisting so long, and I'll be depressed still but I won't hate myself. and I may even feel a bit good from enjoying my video game or talking to friends or something. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really, really want to SI. My DS is in sleep mode, all I have to do is open it up and resume playing, but I'm scared I won't be able to concentrate because I want to cut, I don't need it but I do and it's so hard.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
proud SHACA member! don't blame the cat!
