before

[Licentia Poetica]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? the situation won't change but i'll feel less angry and like the pain will be taken away and i'll feel comforted and go to sleep.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  my mother makes me want to hurt myself, she makes me want to self destruct and live a life of nothing but depression. maybe just to annoy her. so yeah, hurting myself would help that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  till i wake up tomorrow and realise i fucked up almost 2 months. and no. not only 2 months. I dont really want to count time because i stopped SI'ing. I stopped for good. That was that.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I'm talking to my boyfriend. It's not really helping. I'll probably just go to sleep.
  • Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
    
    I had a huge argument with my mother about her gambling.
  • Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
    
    I never really deal with arguments with her well. It used to be about my SI and depression, now I'm recovered she had to come up with something else to argue about.
  • What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
    
    I've stopped talking to her. Closed my door and cried for a while.
  • How do I feel right now?
    
    Angry, hurt, like crying, tired.
  • How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
    
    It would feel good. It would.
  • Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
    
    I could poison my mother in her sleep I dunno. I've been trying to ignore her a lot lately.
  • Do I need to hurt myself?

No, I don't. And likely, I won't. I don't need to, I can't be bothered even. I just WANT to and I want someone to know it.