therapy woes

[bg]

had a session today, they told me I want an open commitment that they will never terminate treatment, yet I refuse to promise to stay safe for May. Made me feel bad. They hypothisize that I am dependent on therapy, nothing could be further from the truth. I dread each appt now, and rush out as fast as i can.

The CBt has lied to me, at least in my mind, and I am afraid to confront her about it. Last time I confronted her she said she was offended by what i said. I told her she would let me die, and that she didn't care about the lives of her patients. Now I no longer trust her. Last time a therapist lied to me, I burned my whole arm up, almost lost my arm, they told me. I am afraid they will terminate me, sure of it, just waiting for the day to come. So I think about quitting therapy before that happens. I'm always afraid each session will be my last, if I'm honest with them. I just want to get better, but they think I want to stay sick so i can be in therapy. Told me so.

I find it is better to stay numb, not feel anything, it hurts less, that was my way of coping before therapy, and it orks for me. They want me to feel. I hate talking to them about it, i don't believe them when they try to reassure me. Too many therapists have betrayed in the past, and p-docs, too.

all alone, as usual

[thisshallbeformusic]

wanted to let you know i read and i can relate somewhat as i am having some similar difficulites w/my T. i'm sorry i have no advice or anything.

[treasure]

I find it is better to stay numb, not feel anything, it hurts less, that was my way of coping before therapy, and it works for me. They want me to feel. I hate talking to them about it, i don't believe them when they try to reassure me. Too many therapists have betrayed in the past, and p-docs, too.

do they know that? i have a lot of trouble feeling things while in t appts. if i get "close" to feeling something i will just be thinking of si and not be able to talk about the urges but not be able to concentrate on much else either. i think expressing feelings, if it's hard for you, should be done slowly and forcing the issue won't help.

might be a silly idea, but could you make a list of pros and cons of why you want to be in therapy? include every reason you can think of. it just sounds like you don't want to be in therapy but you also do want it (or need it) and maybe the conflict means none of the sessions are actually helping you. therapy is for *you* not to just please someone else.

[Licentia Poetica]

I spent years ignoring feeling and being numb. I thought it worked for me too. But I stayed in therapy even though I didn't want to.

These days, sometimes I feel good things. It's worth it.

Maybe therapy isn't something you're ready for yet. But you'll get there. And in my opinion it's so dumb to make people promise to be SI free. SI stops when the reasons behind it feel better. I imagine numbing yourself has some relation to your self harm - sometimes you SI probably to feel things, or to not feel things.

Making someone promise to stop SI'ing sets them up for failure. Imho, anyway.

[Aly]

Hmm, this is tricky because it sounds like you need to communicate to the Therapist(s) how you are feeling but are scared to, which imo is not how therapy should work at all.
Could you print of what you wrote there are give it to them at the start of your next session maybe?
You said that your CBt person told you that you had offended her, maybe you now need to be honest with your Therapists and tell them that they have offended and upset you, even if it scares you that they may then terminate your treatment. THey might terminate, or they might get a better understanding of your therapy needs and so maybe be able to help you better?
Also, could termination be the best step in this scenario? Maybe then you might find better therapists who understand your needs better?
Ideas for you.
I hope it gets better and they don't terminate your therapy. And I hope that now you might be feeling a little better about the situation.

[oakwren]

hey,
not sure if this is useful - but why don't you try rereading your post and reflect on what's going on. i see a lot of myself in your post when i was in therapy a few years ago. you say you want to get better but there's a part that seems to be saying that you're so scared to. (is that right?) do you have hobbies, friends, a job - outside interests that are non-therapy related? what would happen if the therapy was open - that it would never end - how would you feel if that was the case? or, what would it give you? what would happen if you were your therapist? if you called the shots? what would happen? what would you do? e.g. would you do art for an hour every day? or would you go and do some meditation in a garden with the sun and birds and a small stream: the smallest stream possible, but you can still hear it. just gently there, babbling and moving beneath the trees. or would you go running each morning before any one is awake and then take a long shower and write in a journal. How do you want your therapy to be? what would work for you? how can you go about finding out?