Stormy's search for sanity (read first post!)

[strmdncr]

Dear family,

I love you but you drive me absolutely nuts. Not one of you seems to know the value of communication in achieving a goal. I am not your enemy simply b/c I have been given a piece of paper, I have to do what I feel is best and I understand that you are wanting to do the same but without talking to me you could put everyone in a difficult situation. To those of you who have to call and ask me how I'm doing, what I did, and what I'm going to do before you get around to the point of you want to do something that requires my help...please just get to the point already. I am usually tired these days with everything I am having to do and so yes, I get a bit snappy when you go through a five minute conversation on nothing before getting to the point of your call. None of you call me up just to say hi, I was wondering how your day was going so skip that part and just ask for what you want. The longer I have to hear the whole lead up into it the more irritable I become b/c I don't feel like you really care. If I tell you I'm busy then you say "oh, okay...n/m then" in a tone of voice which conveys disappointment that I couldn't help you out. 98% of the time I do what I can though, just quite pissing me off by not getting to the point.
************************
To my T,

I know we've talked about it before but just a particular situation that arose that normally I would talk to you about I find myself now questioning whether I should or not. I find this very frustrating feeling like one of the few people that I was safe telling many things to that I did not tell others about I now have to constantly watch what I say. This doesn't mean I'm not telling you things that would interfere with the therapy but rather that I find myself wanting to mention something to you that before I would feel safe seeking your advice on and now find myself second guessing if I should or not. Granted that I have other resources that I can go to but some things having the words of someone who is not a close friend and is therefore a bit more removed from the situation is helpful and at times I find myself struggling with feeling like some things have come to an end without my being prepared for them. It's not that my trust in you has changed but rather that I am having to look at other aspects that are now involved and so sometimes I just feel like I am dealing with a loss of sorts.

[Silent_Tears]

*reading along and hearing your frustration*

Love you,
ST

[strmdncr]

To the world in general.....

What am I doing so very wrong that it seems so few of you understand what it is I am saying at a given time? Is the way I speak that different from you that you do not comprehend what I am saying? At my workplace....we all deal with the same situations and yet it seems to be days or sometimes even weeks before what I have said as a possibility actually manages to peek it's way into someones brain and be understood as a reality....an outcome of what did occur and could have been prevented if only I could have explained better. I get feeling so frustrated and upset and angry....and alone....and so I do not communicate with you much of the time.....b/c you do not get it.....you do not understand. Sorry I am so awful at communicating.....it makes sense to me.....I just wish it could make sense to you.

[Silent_Tears]

Sorry... me thinks I was one of those who didn't understand either. Sorry if that frustrated you.

[strmdncr]

I am so very angry with you right now and don't know how to express it in a way that you will hear what I want you to hear. So I don't say anything...and then become more angry and upset. You said you wanted to stick around this area so you could be near your kids and then you don't even come by and see them or anything...call at bedtime to say g'night. You could've fucking done that from down in the city and I could've kept my regular work schedule and not had to worry so much about my next paycheque and stuff. I bend over backwards to try to help you and not so much as a fucking acknowledgment of it or checking to see if there is anything you can be doing to help. Stop being such a selfish bitch and realize that your children are important and have needs...and talk to them and find out what those needs are. You do *not*...that's right do *not* know what is best for them...you don't even listen to what they feel or want so don't give me the bullshit story that it's about doing everything you can for them. It's all about you, it's always been all about you. Just fucking grow up and stop screwing up their lives totally. Give them some sense of stability and get yourself some fucking help instead of blaming the world and expecting life to change without you doing any of the work.

[strmdncr]

N,

You still drive me absolutely fucking nuts. I am trying to understand you, your way of seeing the world that leads you to making the choices you do...or at least accept that this is you. At the same time we grew up in the same house with the same parents and all the rest...how the hell is it that you and I can be so completely different from each other? I'm also really fucking pissed off at you. I have been helping you out with your kids indirectly for years and directly for almost a year now....you talk about wanting to move away from the family and doing things on your own yet you can't even seem to manage 24 hours alone with one of them...that's not even both of them but just one!!!! What the fuck is up with that??? Oh...and just so you know...an occassional "thanks for all you've done" would be really appreciated. Even if you don't recognize everything we have been doing...you should at least recognize a little bit. Look beyond your own self serving needs and take the time to thank the people in your life for the help they have given. It makes it more likely they'll continue to give it if you need it again.

[strmdncr]

To the jerk I spoke with....

You stupid fucking ignorant arrogant prick bastard. You start with threatening me and my ability to have a role in things...then you go and call someone else and tell them lies from that threat. Are you that completely fucking stupid to think that we would run scared b/c you want to be "power mad" or have things go the way you want without any question? All you are succeeding in is screwing things up for your end of things...not mine. We all have supervisors in life...people we have to answer to...and complaints can be registered. Fucking moronic idiot.