all alone

[bg]

my cbt told me to try being vulnerable, so I told a close friend everything, the suicide attempts, details about SH, never heard from him again. My CBT said I "sabatoged" by revealing too much, that laypeople don't know how to handle this stuff. So who do I talk to? My spouse refuses to listen, has no idea that I was in the Er and almost lost my arm this last time. Now I'm ready to have at it again. I read the posts about why, consequences, but it doesn't help.

I've been wearing long sleeves and long pants for over 5 years now, the scars are so bad, so big, and many so fresh that there is no way I can explain them. I want to carve a profane phrase in my arm now My CBT says I am not commited to DBT, and I have to have a joint session with my CBT (primary) and DBT before they will let me continue with DBT. But she says i have to do DBT for another year, even though I've been through the whole thing three times now. I don't know what my employer will say about having to leave work every week at 1 p.m. for therapy for a year.

Does anyone know if having BPD makes you "disabled" legally speaking???? I also have either Major Depression or Bipolar, depending on which psychiatrist you ask, too. I have no one to talk to about this. My CBT says I have to open up, meet people, and discuss it, but it drives people away. My spouse wanted to leave me, but so far we are staying together. We have a baby due in August, our first. That is why we are still together. I'm afraid we will split up, and I want a family for my baby. I don't want my daughter to learn I'm crazy, but they lock me up involuntarily twice a year every year for the last 5 years. Last time I was in for 65 days!!!! And now insurance won't pay, which I have not told my spouse. Luckily we have the money, or you know how it goes. The minute you can't pay they kick you out, no matter how unsafe you are, sucks,but we all know that's true. I've seen it over and over again. They will let you die if you don't have insurance or money. Crappy system.

Oh, and the first session out of the hospital my DBT "suggests" I see someone else, because of my latest SH. And my psychiatrist has told me next SH she will terminate me, too, and admits she knows I have terrible fears of abandonment, but she said she had to due to "counter transference" she called it. So I can't even talk to my therapists about it, or my psychiatrist. But my psychiatrist sometimes asks to see my arms. I feel all alone. The therapists have both imposed what they like to refer to as "boundaries" about it. I hate that word. They both now have rules about how they will cancel my next appt if I SH. How is that supposed to help me????? Anyone???? It just teaches me that what I've read about how no one wants to treat Borderlines is true. But one is a DBT, she specializes in BPD, and still this boundary? Have you ever heard of any other medical profession where they refuse to treat you when you show symptoms of your illness???? Makes me want to cry. Instead I SH in the therapist's parking lot right before I see them, then lie about it.

I can't make myself cry. They all tell me I have to get in touch with my feelings, but I warn them when I do I SH or think about suicide. I tell them better to SH then die, right???? We read my case summary last session. I've had such a horrible life that the sexual abuse is nothing to me, that's at the bottom of my list. I hardly think about it. I got out when I could, did what I had to do. My father took a blind eye, and my mom split, never to be seen or heard from again. What makes a mother walk out on 4 children? I know she was abused, but she left us all behind, disappeared. All I know is she left the country. Her own brother "claims" he does not know where she is, but I think he is lying for her. I never spoke to him again. He lives in Wales. Said he would always stay in touch with us, but that turned out to be a lie, too. My doctors have lied to me, too. When I am truthful with them I got hospitalized involuntarily. My spouse refuses to see me in the hospital, won't even take my calls. All I have are these BBS, and the Yahoo Groups are basically inactive, the people in the DBT groups shun me for some reason, too. So I have three dogs, I know they will never abandon me. What will my daughter think when she eventually figures out that there is something wrong with me?

[Silent_Tears]

You have a lot of hurt in your post. I'm so sorry that you feel you have no one to turn to. I'm not sure how to respond to your post really.. but I will try. I want you are worth more than the people around you are projecting on you. DBT counselors do have a rule that you can't see or talk to them 24 hours after you self injure. I don't know if that's what you're talking about or not. Other counselors tend to get that stance too. It is a mechanism at trying not to reinforce you self-injuring. I couldn't tell if it was something like that... or they were threatening to end sessions with you totally. If they were threatening that... I can't understand it. I know some counselors "fire" there clients on those terms. They can't deal with it... but I've never heard of a DBT counselor doing that... that's just absurb. Counter transference is where the counselor (or psychiatrist in this case) projects his/her own issues onto the client. Usually the client reminds them of someone else and they can't get past it at times. That's probably what the psychiatrist meant when she said that.

As for if BPD makes you disabled (or Bipolar/Major Depression), if your doctor (in this case psychiatrist) says you cannot work because of your symptoms then you could fill out the paperwork for being disabled. (You're in the US?) If you weren't working it might help to reduce the stress and therefore reduce the number of times you're in the hospital and/or self-injure. Anyway, just a thought.

I hope you are able to find someone to reach out to. I'm really sorry that the people in your life are not supportive. Reach out and find people. I know that if you meet people in group they can sometimes understand (if they are able to give anything... depending on the shape they are in).

Try to keep yourself safe. Take your medicine and talk to your psychiatrist about any symptoms you're still having on your medication. It may be that they don't have you on the right medication yet.

Take care,
ST

[bg]

thanks for that post. yes, she has the 24 hour rule imposed, never heard that one before, felt rejected, cancelled all my appts w/ her, starting back up 5/6/08. i stayed safe, was up until 3 a.m. I did look up counter transference, thanks. you're right about it. staying busy with my hobbies. and looking at the stars at night, relaxes me, plus i have two beautiful salt water aquaruims that have a calming effect on me. I';m in Dallas, btw. thanks again for listening.

[Silent_Tears]

I hope things go well with your counselor and you when you start back in May. Not TOO long from now.

I'm really glad you were able to keep yourself safe last night. Your hobbies, star gazing and looking at your aquariums sound like really good, relaxing things. I think you're doing pretty good. You have made some really good accomplishments by not self-injuring.

Hope you're doing okay today. You can always PM me if you want to talk more indepth.

Take gentle care of yourself,
ST

[bg]

thanks, in the whole world you were the only person to reply, sadly that's how it goes for me. My CBT says I am "sabatoging" by revealing "too much" she says. Down tonight. I was so excited, got my telescope all hooked up, have lots of new toys for it, but sadly it is defective right out of the box, could take months to get it back from repairs. Adding to my woes, I could not think of a way to safely secure my tanks against an inquisitive child, that will be joining the world in August, Danielle, we are going to name her. But I found something to safely secure them this weekend, so at least I don't have to sell them.

I see my CBT tomorrow at 2. Hopefully I'll be safe until morning. I really want to SH, and I bought surgical equipment on the web just for that. They told me to get rid of them, but I just can't part with my "equipment." I have them in my car, I SH at traffic lights sometimes, hidden in my closet, too. And if all else fails I use cigarettes for a quick rush. I wrote my sisters this weekend, and three friends. Every one of them completely ignored all my e-mails. I'm really close to one of my sisters, I have three. She used to call me twice a week, but since I got out of my 65 days in the hospital on March 19, she has not called me once. I almost lost arm Sh-ing in the hospital, and since then the two people that know about it won't even speak to me. My spouse has not seen them, and doesn't even know about it. I have been super careful in hiding it. It's horrible, huge scars. I've SH'd so much now that I am am horribly disfigured on my arms.

My therapist in the hospital gave me his card, and said I could call or e-mail anytime, and asked me to let him know if I was having a boy or a girl. So I e-mailed him. Naturally he never wrote back. My father has never visited me since I moved away in 1991. He has called once, when he learned of the baby. My oldest sister has called me once in 20 years. My little sister only calls when she wants something from me. Then lectures me on how to live my life, what doctors I should see, like she knows about BPD. They tell me my spouse has signs of BPD, too, and that i should leave this marriage because it is bad for me and I get no support from my spouse. My mom walked out on us 30 years ago, and no one even knows if she is dead or alive. Abandonment, that is my life story. That's why my avitar says "I just want someone to listen to me."

Next time my psychiatrist throws me in the hospital I am going to refuse meds, refuse groups, refuse to speak, and refuse to leave my room. She (explative deleted) said that a staff member told her I was "playing games" to get attention. I have made three suicide attempts while in acute care, under the care of my psychiatrist, and she thinks I'm playing games??? I have been on one-on-one every single time I was hospitalized, usually for 8 days straight, and she thinks it's a game? I have been caught smuggling weapons inside before, other times htey missed them. And I'm playing games? Last time, this year, my insurance said they won't pay, and I had to pay $800/day extra for one-on-one for 8 days straight. The whole thing has so far cost me $72,000, and I got more bills from them today. My spouse has no idea, I handle all the finances, or my spouse would walk out on if they found out the cost.

Screw it, no one cares. I am going to SH tonight. But thanks for listening. I can't even depend on my treatment team. My CBT, who I have told many times i will kill myself if she dumps me, actually sent me a letter theatening just that last year. SHe didn't like something I did, and told me in writing, in a letter she wrote the same day I saw her, right after our appt, that she will "terminate our theraputic relationship" if I persist. She waited 4 years to tell me "the rules." WHen I started she said, "anything goes so long as you keep your clothes on." Then in year 4 she started in with her "boundaries." Gawd i hate that word. Boundaries, a therapist's way of telling you why they will dump you. I'm terrified of losing her, she used to be the only person in the world I could count on. Now she says I am "too dependent on therapy" and that I can only see her once a week.

The whole mental health profession suxs.

Hopefully I'll talk to you again soon. Night, and thanks again for listening.

[Silent_Tears]

I don't know how much I can do here on the internet... but I can listen.

I'm sorry the health care profession is letting you down. Insurance sucks in the US too. I guess it sucks everywhere, but if pdoc (psychiatrist) says you need to be in... you get in (in places like Canada). And you don't have to pay either.

Is work a relief to you or a burden? Would you do better with it or without it? I know when I worked it helped me not think about things and I did pretty good (until the paperwork and stuff got to be too much for me). I taught for ten years. I am hoping to go back this next school year, but who knows if it will happen. I didn't know if you needed to look into disability or not.

Can you email the people again who have not wrote to you? Maybe it's just life being busy for them. Sometimes people get overwhelmed by their circumstances and have very little left for anyone else.

I hope you were able to keep from SH so that you could go see your CBT tomorrow (or today?).

I'm really glad you found a way to secure your tanks. I bet that makes you very relieved. I hope that the telescope gets fixed really soon. Was it a refracting or reflecting telescope?

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of Danielle. (<-- if okay. please let me know if hugs are okay online... I give them out like crazy. )

I added you to my msn. We can talk on that easier if we are both on at the same time. I sent you a note over msn so you knew it was me.

I hope you're trying to take care of yourself. I know it's hard.

Take care,
ST

[bg]

hi silent tears. Where do you live? Another country I presume. I guess i should first tell you i'm a male. i found real quickly women don't like to talk to men. My DBT told me tht 80% of female BPD's were sexually abused, and that men threaten them. That explained why the people in all my DBT groups were so cold to me. Im 47, my wife is 30. Don't ask me why she married me, i think it was just for immigration reasons, because she refuses to tell me why she chose me. I was sexually abused, but buried it so deep that it took 5 years of therapy, up to session 230 now before I could tell my therapist. No one else in the world knows. It was by a woman, but I don't/can't talk about that, hope you understand. No one thinks it can happen to a guy, but it does, it is just hidden by society. That one I can't think about, b est to keep it buried for now.

I wondered if that was you on my IM. I have not activated this year ever, until today, and you popped in. If you don't want to continue because I'm male I'll understand, honest.

I saw my CBT today, walked out for the first time ever on her. It's cool, I told her I'll be back next week, she just looked saddened and let me leave. I did SH today, in her parking lot. Had to turn my shirt inside out to hide the "evidence" despite a complete medical kit that i carrry with me at all times, for wound dressing. i also inflicted some other forms of SH, more severe, the first wassn't working, and it helps me if the pain lasts longer. I never told her and she never asked.

She told me to quit opening up to people about my past. Said laypeople can't handle it. I see my closet sister on Thursday, but 'm bringing my laptop to post, and maybe chat with you if you'll let me. We argued about my sister, I told her I can't talk to her anymore, she has her own problems, so she doesn't need to hear about mine. And her husband, who I've known myself for 25 years lost two of his three siblings to suicide. So i don't want her to worry about me ever again.

My CBT has a support group for biolar, no one is still sure if I'm major depression/BPD or bipolar/BPD. They all agree on BPD, though. She told me I can't attend her group, though, told me my presence would be "disruptive". More rejection, but i told her I had zero interest in it anyone. She says I am splitting with her and the DBT and the pdoc. She explained what that means. So today suxs. My wife was her usualunsupportive self. My CBT today called my marriage "toxic", but I'm not abandoning my baby girl, ever.

I work, I'm so lucky that way. I've nevr been out of work a single day of life. Most Bpd's I've met can't work, so i know I'm super lucky in that way. I own my own company, work from home!!! It's wonderful, fun, rewarding, and i make really good money, so I could afford the hospital bills, thank goodness.

Oh, I bought a refractor today, so you know a little astronomy? COOL!
A Takahashi system, will be here Tuesday. My wife will kill m when she finds out, but I have no one in my life, yet, we're married, but we're really just roomates, she even says that. The baby was a entrapment, she admitted that, but tht is another sick, long story, not for me to share just yet. It's sick what she did, my therapist's head practically spun around whne I told her what she was planning on doing. Just another bad chapter in my life 2007 was terrible for me. But better days are ahead. I won't cheat on her, just not raised that way, though she has actually encouraged me to, don't undestand that at all. I have mmy three dogs, they all love me and follow me every where. And I have my baby girl coming soon, I know she will always love me.

So what about you ST? You have two beautiful kids, I see. Do you have a good therapist? What do you do to cope?

It's 2:30 a.m. here, and i can't sleep. I look at the stars, sit out by my pool, smoke too many cigarettes. They made me give up alcohol, which turned out to be a good thing for me, and my wife got into drugs really heavily, but I got her off that a little too late, she was pregnant for a month and still doing a lot of drugs, but quit when she found out. THere is a problem with the baby, they said, but we saw a specialist, and he really assured us that it it is minor, maybe small surgery, but she'll be fine and it will never effect her again, kidney problem. We were really scared at first. You can imagine.

Please tell me about you sometime. I'm pretty smart, been around the block with BPD, DBT, etc. And I am a really good listener. If you choose not to continue, thanks for what you did. At least someone listened to me. It helped. I'm Bill, btw. The picture on my IM is my white lab, Bullwinkle, I call him BUlly. He is such a joy, always happy, super affectionate, and loves to play everyday. I call him The Bull Man, and named my company after him, TBM Test Equipment. My astronomy adventures are to be named Bullwinke Astronomy, I'll get a web page up as soon as I get some nice pictures. I have lots to learn. Your turn to open up, if you choose.

[handmade mute]

Hi BG,

I just really wanted to reply and say hi, my name is Kat, and the fact you're a guy doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I live in Australia, I'm struggling to get help in our system, too, and I can't afford to pay for therapy, so I have what's called a Personal Support Person through our welfare system, who basically annoys me for an hour a month, then I'm left to my own devices. He wants me to think happy thoughts. Some days the happiest I can manage is imagining hitting him with a big stick.

Congrats on the coming baby! I'm sure she'll be beautiful, no matter the circumstances behind her conception. And no matter how fucked up you think you are, she'll love you. You sound like the type of person who won't become what they fear most; you seem to want to protect your daughter from harm, and from that feeling of abandonment, which is such a wonderful thing to do.

My cousin spent most of her kids childhood in and out of hospital, which meant I helped raise them. And while it saddened them that she was in hospital so much, and they probably were a bit more mature than they needed to be, it never stopped them loving her, and the only impact on the relationship was that they knew to give their mum lots of hugs and affection when they thought she needed it. They knew, and know, she's not like other mums, but still, they love her. I'm sure your daughter will love you, faults and all. There were moments we were distracting them while my mother talked her out of suicide and cleaned up the mess, and they survived them and become amazing young adults.

The one bit of advice I'd really like to give you, if it's ok (I know we only just met)... don't try and stop hurting yourself for your daughter. If you ever reach the point you don't want to do it anymore, trying to quit for someone else can make you feel really guilty if you slip up, and make you think you're bad for not loving them enough. And you sound like too good a guy for that to happen to.

If I can say, your DBT sounds like a less than great person. Way I see it, you can't tell someone to be open about what's happening, then tell them people can't understand. It's gotta be one or the other. I told a friend, lost them, too. I try and think of it like this: if he can't be my friend without me pretending to be someone else, fuck him. Who needs friends like that?

I believe you, by the way. May not mean much, but I know guys can be abused by women, and no matter which gender is the abuser, it's equally wrong.

I'm terrified of abandonment, too. I've never had anyone in my life stay, and like me for me. My friendships last about a year to two years, then they end, because I can't keep pretending to be ok. I know that at times the friends you make online at forums like BUS seem unreal and somehow less than offline friends, but at least here, people know who I am, what I am, and how I feel, and if one person can't figure out what to say or how to help, there's always someone around who can. No pretending is pretty nice.

Anyway, take care. I hope your arm is ok! *hugs* if ok.

[Silent_Tears]

I PM'ed you Bill. I thought that might be the easiest way. Hope you're doing okay.

Take care,
ST

[Briar Rose]

Hi.

Sorry about what's been happening lately especially with your therapist. But congrats on the baby.

I just wanted to reply to offer support, I know it's really hard to feel all alone.

I totally get the abandoment thing though, I always get really upset about that. Not sure but I think that might tie in to what you were saying about how they thought you were "playing games," which I think is ridiculous for them to say, as if saying that would actually help you by saying that . But I noticed with me that I try to use all the bad stuff that happened to me to try to get attention. I don't do it in a mean spirited way but I just sort of happens. I thinks it's cuz when I was little I was pretty much all alone too. My mom worked all the time and usually didn't get home until 9 and my other family members were abusive. So when I finally had my nervous breakdown I got all kinds of attention. My mom took off work to stay with me, I got a psychiatrist to talk to, and all my teachers paid special attention to me. I guess all I'm trying to say is maybe you just need someone to talk to and be with and they percieved that as something completely different. Is this making any sense...... sometimes I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts

Telling your friends about SI.... It can be a good thing but I think it depends on your friend and the approach. I've only told two of my friends that I used to SI (one of them is bipolar and has tried to commit suicide so she kinda gets it). But I try to stay away from too many details I think it too hard for them to understand. But I agree with the handmade mute if you open up to your friend and they leave then they weren't that good of a friend to begin with.

BTW I don't care that your a guy either

Good luck with your therapist on Tuesday.

[Spidey]

I think that maybe getting OUT of the psychiatric prison industry will do wonders for you, especially with how invalidating they are.