...after.

[lily_trying]

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. yes, as well as i'm able.
• what had happened just before? was trying to figure out ways to fix some situations & was frustrated that i was going nowhere with all of it. was trying to get myself to contact someone but felt like i couldn't.
• what were you thinking and feeling? lots of urges & bad thoughts, and feeling very tired of fighting them. was feeling sick & tired physically on top of emotionally. was thinking that i had no reason to fight against the urges anymore and nothing to look forward to, etc. su ideations. feeling very lonely & alone, but feeling unable to reach out, feeling undeserving & too needy.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? ...i think it was the feeling & thought that i had no reason to fight against it anymore and not looking beyond that. that's the main thing, though it seems like there was more to it as well...
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. i could have reminded myself that i would be more vulnerable during a certain time & been ready to be more alert about staying safe during that time instead. beyond that i'm not sure...
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? i'd been generally bad about taking care of myself with eating & things like that, which i could maybe address by keeping better track of it or putting it as more of a priority.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? waiting out the urges, different kinds of distraction, etc. which did not seem to work enough.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? i wanted to either contact someone or work out my feelings more in writing, but felt unable to do either.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. leave a note where i'd see it, save a list of coping methods to keep around.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? none of it is resolved. i still feel almost exactly the same about things. i'm not sure how to change things. maybe try to list or remember the reasons to keep fighting.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? very likely. not sure what to do, which seems like a theme, eep! though maybe remembering that the si didn't really change any feelings or thoughts will help...
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. checking to see if i need to take care of anything like meds or eating & take care of that if so, contacting someone & if i can't bring myself to make contact, at least write things out without sending them.
• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? seeming like there wasn't any reason to fight the urges.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? moreso there.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? waited it out but feel like it would've happened once there was an opportunity.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? stayed the same or increased.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? this time around i think it was mostly being alone in the end.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel? right now, would feel like things were not okay.