He wants to help

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 5:40 am

*"Repost from FF*

So it's kind of complicated, I've known this guy for over a year but he was my ex's friend so that's how I knew him. In the last month or so we've been hanging out and talking a lot. Now we're seeing each other, he knows I used to SI and he knows I slipped yesterday for the first time in well over a year(after a number of events, the latest being his dog getting hit and me scraping the poor frozen thing out of a snowbank). I told him distractions help so he's been doing that and avoiding the subject. Well I'd like to talk about it occasionally. Not often or all the time. But it's like he avoids the subject. He says he cares and that we can talk about it any time but I just don't know how or when to breech the subject of me feeling bad. I want to talk about how I'm feeling and work through problems not really about the SI. He has mild anxiety problems and I'm afraid to make them worse by him worrying about me. I guess I'm just looking for support here or advice from anyone who has gone through this.

I've only really talked to one person in depth about it. It was my friend (who is also one of my friend's moms) and she approached me. This was over 2 years ago and I quit because of her support.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel bad like I'd be burdening him by talking to him and I always feel good around him so those things aren't in the front of my mind to talk about them so it'd have to be a conscious attempt to bring it up. Help I'm rambling and confused [/quote]

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 10:22 am

Hmmm.
I'm going to make what sounds like a silly suggestion. I too have alot of trouble with this, and what I do is 'signal' when I want to talk about something. Instead of sending brain signals, which never work, shucks, something visible.
Namely, if I need to talk, I go buy two cans of coke. This is what my bf and I agreed on. That way, he never has to wonder, and I never have to worry. And its so silly, that it is so much easier than just bring something up out of the blue. We sit and have a drink and chat about whatever.

Does that make sense? I know it sounds so childish, but it really does work

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:28 pm

that sounds like a good idea

DecemberLivy · Post by **DecemberLivy** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:24 am

This is very familiar to me. My ex was exactly the same. Everytime he saw a scar, his whole body would just shift and even though he said he understood and it was ok, his body language was screaming the opposite. I think the guy you're seeing is probably slightly overwhelmed by something he doesn't know alot about. He may not want to risk triggering something, so he believes the safest option to to avoid the conversation at all costs. A signal is a very good idea, I didn't use that with my ex but hey, maybe if I had I'd still be with him.

Sometimes people find it hard to process certain information, and people can be awfully good at lying to themselves about what they can and can't handle. My advice would be to lay it all out, ask him to be totally truthful about how he feels regarding your past. It's essential that he understands that while SI is not a part of your life anymore, it's human to have problems, and that you feeling bad is not a reflection of him or his behavior. Talk it out. Communication is the key.

Livy x

rhiannon · Post by **rhiannon** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:10 am

Orelanna wrote:Hmmm.
Namely, if I need to talk, I go buy two cans of coke. This is what my bf and I agreed on. That way, he never has to wonder, and I never have to worry. And its so silly, that it is so much easier than just bring something up out of the blue. We sit and have a drink and chat about whatever.

Does that make sense? I know it sounds so childish, but it really does work

That is such a good idea. I actually think I might have to set that up with my boyfriend, too, since it's so hard to talk when I need to if I don't have the right transition.

Thank you for telling us about that! It wasn't silly at all~

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:07 am

Glad to hear it! Let me know how it goes

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:00 pm

i'm going to talk to him tonight 'cause we finally can be alone. i'm going to "lay it all out" as DecemberLivy suggested and just ask him how he honestly feels

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:33 am

I chickened out

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 8:25 am

That is okay too

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:16 pm

i just can't find the courage and no time seems like the right time. what do i do

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:21 pm

That is perfectly understandable, the more you wait the more nervous you get, and so it snowballs.
How about you write a letter? Just for yourself to actually verbalise in some way what exactly you need to say. If you need, you could just give him the letter with an opening explaining how difficult it is for you to speak directly to him.
Communication via a letter is better than none at all; I think you need to sit down with a cup of tea and ease into it...You do it here on bus, might feel more natural for you that way??

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:27 pm

i've thought about a letter, but i don't want him to feel like i don't think i can talk to him. i gave him info i printed from secret shame and he read it, and is going to read it again so he can understand better. i don't really know what i'd say in a letter because i want to have a 2-way discussion and get his feelings about everything and about his anxiety too

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:48 pm

Hmmm, okay.
What other silly suggestions can I come up with???

I will think further on it and get back to you with some pearl of wisdom...
Take a breather though, don't get worked up over this...he sounds like a really good guy...I am sure you will say whatever you need to say in your own time and in your own way, and I am sure he will listen...
I will be thinking of you meanwhile :1hug3:

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:52 pm

thanks for the support. we've kind of talked through text messages but i don't really like that

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:06 pm

i STILL haven't talked to him

i'm going to see him monday night and we'll be alone for a little while. i'm thinking about writing a letter, but wouldn't it be weird for him to read it w/ me sitting there?

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:50 pm

Well I was actually going to suggest you read it to him and let him respond as needs be...that way it will be the two way line of communication you want. I think you need to do this, trust him, trust yourself

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:06 pm

that's sheer brilliance! i love that idea! i'll get to writing. any suggestions of how to start/what to say? he knows that it's something i used to do and that i've slipped recently

Orelanna · Post by **Orelanna** » Sun Mar 02, 2008 3:39 am

Hey, I am delighted that you like that! As for what you want to say and how you go about it, I have no doubt you already know, you can't go wrong when you are both honest and gentle.
Good luck, and be brave, and good wishes your way

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Sun Mar 02, 2008 3:53 am

thanks very much, i'll work on my letter and let you know how it goes monday night. hopefully well

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