write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i might feel less... vulnerable. less like losing control. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will let me keep control, carry on making out everything's fine. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to be stable this is supposed to be my year for getting healthy, stable, maybe losing a little weight, and then getting off my meds. instead i'd give anything to be sedated right now.
and hurting myself won't get me anywhere near that. except in so far as self-harming 4+ times/week is stable as long as it's every week
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief... minutes, hours? maybe. until nathan sees and i feel guilty. not more than a day or so, unless i do my leg deep enough that walking hurts for a few days. the pain reminds me i'm real. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could go and find nathan. i could demand the xbox (though i don't actually need to demand, lol) and play Blue Dragon or Halo. i could ask nath to come up with something but he probably wouldn't be able to. it just postpones the damn misery, i never really get out from under it. the change will last until i stop doing whatever it is i start doing. what will i do then? hurt myself as an alternative to od'ing and dying. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i do the other thing... i will feel like this again. maybe not as intensely, but i'll still be fucking miserable. if i hurt myself tomorrow... guilty, slyly sated and very very calm. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i want is to be safe and held, with no bad memories, no health problems, no stress and no anxiety. i'm anxious. i don't know how to make it pass.
if okay.
