- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes, I did as best as I could with what I have here at least.
- what had happened just before? I had read something that upset me that someone who isn't in my life anymore wrote... I was also here alone instead of going out tonight to see friends as I had originally planned...
- what were you thinking and feeling? I was feeling a lot of (unrelated) physical pain and thinking about that. I was feeling triggered b/c of that, and also b/c of frustration w/ myself and the thoughts that had come out of what I had read... they were making me think in a su way. In a way I was also trying to be "blank" & in denial & not think or feel anything & just be on autopilot or detached too.
- why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? It just seemed like it was easy, too easy, at that moment. It seemed like if I waited, I would feel too guilty or conscious & then wouldn't do it unless it was there & now. That was for in that moment... in general, a build up of the feelings from what I had read was sort of the main final trigger.
- how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. Not too clear on this one yet.... maybe I should have let myself feel more in those moments, let myself feel the worry or guilt about it in a way so I wouldn't have done it, though that doesn't seem like a very constructive choice either. I shouldn't have read what I did, or I should have stopped before reading all of it -- that may have helped & would have been positive all around...
- were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? I had been feeling like I deserved to be in pain so I hadn't taken my pain meds, which I know is a mistake & I shouldn't let myself do that. if the physical pain hadn't gotten so bad, that is another thing that would've meant i probably would not have given in.
- what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? In that moment, it seems like that was the only thing... otherwise, I was trying to distract myself in general. That was working decently but not enough, although it would've been better than SH....
- in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? Something that would have let me be more in touch with my feelings maybe, or something that would have let me release my feelings? Or continuing the more distraction type of things, also being more gentle with myself & allowing myself things that are comforting.
- name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. hmm... make a document on the computer with various lists of coping methods would be one thing. also maybe keeping something comforting right close by, or keeping a music program open on the computer so i could go straight to that too...
- how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? with the pain, i can make sure i don't skip my meds with that... but for the other resolutions i am not as sure. i do not feel any better about any of the other situations which worries me. maybe if i can find someone to talk to about it in more detail that would help bring me to resolution with it.
- are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? yes i am, and... i guess taking time out to check in with my emotions & feelings more often would help with recognizing it and... not sure on any other ideas yet.
- what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. --checking in with my feelings to see exactly what they are & then write them out. --if it's physical, take meds if appropriate, and then lay down & try to relax to music. --try not to judge myself so harshly & accept emotional feelings & try to ride them out without needing to get rid of them right away...
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? i wasn't thinking really, so it seemed okay and easy because i wasn't fully tuned in to my feelings & emotions about the opportunity.
- Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? as far as i can tell it was there already.
- What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? waited it out by distracting, etc.
- If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? in this case, i think it would have either stayed the same or decreased.
- What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? being alone, and also being tuned out enough from the feelings i have about doing it.
- How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in? be more aware of the feelings to start with, and then the things listed above.
(thank you to anyone reading... i feel so bad about myself right now for this...)
I'm glad you think that suggestion might help!