write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel calm. i will be able to sleep. i can get through the next few days easier. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
give me - relief, calm, numbness, freedom,
take - some pride in myself for being strong - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i think i need si in the long run. i might stop eventually but i don't see myself as better that way. there has to be more support or something before i can deal with this. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last until i can fall asleep and probably tomorrow as well. i can go back on bus again tomorrow which has helped so far today. i can read, watch tv, play music (all things i did today that probably helped earlier) - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
go to bed maybe? i am pretty sure the tool in my bedroom will be too much of a temptation. i can't imagine anything else helping. i guess i could try and meditate, calm myself a bit? - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si, i will probably be fine tomorrow
if it helps with urges i guess i will feel proud tomorrow. if it doesn't i will be even more frustrated. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to si. i think going to bed before si-ing. giving myself time to try and relax/sleep first might help, but the si tool will still be used if i need it (probably a lot less si than using another tool) i will answer these q's and stay on bus for a little bit more too.
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
xmas and new years. hearing about bus ppl having ok or good christmases and comparing it to my nonexistant one. i thought it was my intention to not have a xmas because it's a rational choice, but it is more a decision in order to protect myself, from my family, from the expectations, from the crowds if i go out. new years, is like a deadline. (not meant to be a pun but i guess it is now
) i feel like i have to start an entire year and finish an entire year, and i hate that. i may as well not start it because i don't want to be around long enough to finish the next year.
plus the awful feeling that bugs are crawling on me. i have some ants around my flat, not a lot, but i see one or 2 a day and there are also a number of spiders and flies. sometimes they *are* crawling on me but for most of the past 2 days i keep feeling and something and only about 3 times has there been a fly or ant. i am *really* frustrated by this. and scared because i can't make it stop
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i have not been in this situation before. xmas/new year is always hard but not always the same emotions. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have read (2 whole novels in a day), listened to music, been on bus.
i will hopefully stick to what i said about going to bed and trying to calm down. - How do I feel right now?
anxious, sick, scared, desperate - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
calm, powerful, in-control, totally different - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i will probably be buoyed up and triumphant - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
deal with it better? maybe. but then i haven't si'd yet so maybe this is the best i can do. - Do I need to hurt myself?
yes. maybe not right now, but tomorrow will be the same, and probably the day after. i don't know if si will make everything ok, but i know it will help a lot. i will try not to si though. (it feels like i will be letting ppl on bus down if i si. although it's more a reflection that i will be letting myself down. i don't really believe that is true in my head but it's working for now)
