Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation itself will not change. The feelings around the situations will change for a while as the intensity of the feelings I am currently dealing with will not stay as strong. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring a change in the direction of my focus from inside emotions that I do not know how to deal with to outside physical feelings that I can deal with and that I can take care of and "fix". It would take away feelings of uncontrolled, undirected emotions. It would also take away a sense of accomplishment if I was to si b/c the number of days since the last incident is a fairly large number. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to feel like I have done everything possible to change the situation in an effective manner and if unable to change the situation than to accept that I cannot change it and feel like I have alternatives to si'ing that will help me manage times of overwhelming emotions. SI'ing would lead to my being farther from feeling that way.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last until the guilt, shame and self-directed anger about having si'd start...anywhere from a couple of hours to a day approximately. Then I will end up getting after myself for giving into the urges, be down on myself and see myself as having failed instead of being able to focus on any positives. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I could listen to and follow an online guided relaxation. It will give me something to focus on besides the emotions that are running through me at high speed. I am unsure how long the change will last, it may last only as long as the relaxation "session", it may last after.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I would feel self directed anger, guilt and fear if I was to si. If I did the other thing I would probably only potentially feel less overwhelmed with the feelings that are "attacking" me currently. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I want to cry, I want to tell people what I think of them and their actions and how those actions affect people that I care for or how their actions affect me and what I think of their behaviours. I can best honor the self-protective instinct by trying to allow myself to accept that these are my emotions and work with them rather than fighting against them, or trying to avoid them b/c I do not know how to "fix" them.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have shovelled snow, I have gone out with my brother, spoken of my feeling "helpless" to someone, tried self-soothing. I can listen to guided relaxation, do house cleaning, read.
