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disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 5:59 am

I recently started dating this guy, and we're really open and do A LOT of talking. Well, I told him a little about my SI (i don't do it anymore). He has many bad memories from his past that he was reluctant to share with me at first because they're too painful for him to deal with. Now, next time I'm there (tomorrow) he said he's ready to open up to me, and I'd like to open up to him also. I've never really talked to anyone in depth about my SI, and just thinking about showing that much emotion, and feeling it again has me getting urgy. I believe this is a HUGE step for us to take, and I'm ready and willing to take it. I was just wondering if anyone has gone through this and if you have any advice for me. I've never really done anything like this before. He's worried about crying in front of me, and I almost never cry, but I think I will.

I'm really nervous

Licentia Poetica · Post by **Licentia Poetica** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:24 am

Take it slowly. Tell him how you're feeling (because likely he's feeling the same way). Maybe you could start talking a bit over the phone if that's easier, or online. Or maybe even sitting with each other writing down notes back and forth, until you feel comfortable.

There is no shame in crying for either one of you. Try not to be afraid. Expressing emotion is never a bad thing.

For what it's worth I think this will be a good step for the two of you. And once it's all out in the open you'll probably find you're much closer to each other.

It's okay to be nervous

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 11:57 pm

thanks so much for the support, it actually makes me feel better that you said it's okay to be nervous

Cellardoor · Post by **Cellardoor** » Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:45 am

but maybe be careful not to get in too deep if youve only just started dating?
to make sure you relationship doesnt turn into something really heavy you know?

i dont know, its really good you guys are so comfortable with each other

xx

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Dec 21, 2007 1:55 am

So, I was over there last night, and he opened up a little. First he cried because of the bad memories, then I held him and he cried because he was so happy/relieved. No one had ever held him while he talked before. I wanted to open up, but I just couldn't connect with those emotions. It was like they were behind glass- I could see them, and I knew they were there, but I just couldn't get to them.

mephistopheles · Post by **mephistopheles** » Sat Dec 22, 2007 2:07 am

That's utterly bizarre - not anything you did - just the fact that I had an almost identical situation with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. He was like it's ok for you to tell me stuff as well and cry and stuff. And in the end I couldn't, I just pointed to my arm and was like...I don't cry, I do that instead. Turns out he did as well, the whole thing went so much better than I thought.

And a few days later I ended up being able to tell him stuff. I think, maybe it's better to go one at a time, both of you being really upset might be a bit...much if you know what I mean?

Good luck

Chaocontrol6 · Post by **Chaocontrol6** » Sun Dec 23, 2007 10:52 pm

Wow same sort of thing!!! This is odd in that sort of way, I mean I told my gf about mine, because of other events making her worried about her friend's SI, I was able to help a lot because of knowing it in detail for myself...and when things got a bit bad, I had to tell her, but in the end all I did was show her my arm, she doesn't understand it but she's still dating me and loves me so much for opening up like that.

It takes time though, a lot of effort and courage to do something like that. You'll find when the time is right, don't worry, it'll come eventually

Sending good luck thoughts your way

Jason

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 7:08 am

it's great as well as encouraging to hear similar stories, thank you

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 7:09 am

i'm thinking about sending him here if he gets really concerned. HE cried when i told him about my si...

Licentia Poetica · Post by **Licentia Poetica** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 10:01 am

It's a good idea. BUS is very encouraging both when you self harm and for trying to help others. Just make sure you know where the boundaries are when it comes to reading each others' posts.

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 7:22 am

What do you think the boundaries should be set at?
How would we go about setting them?

skater · Post by **skater** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 3:47 pm

watch out for becoming dependent. that's my UNprofessional candid advice, be careful. it sounds like you could be really close, but watch out for a couple things .... like that you are bonding over more than memories, and that he does not become your only support, and that you don't trigger each other. It could be a REALLY GOOD relationship, but there is a lot of room for danger there too.

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 10:14 pm

Both our problems are in the past, so I don't think triggering would be a problem. I was a little concerned with him becoming dependent since he's never been in a relationship before, and he's also never really talked to anyone about what happened to him when he was a child.

bus

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