bf and bp issues

[Wrists]

ive been so dressed lately,but i guess i just have to talk ab it again. i complain ab this more than anything and its ripping me apart.

my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 yrs so i do know his parents and everything and he knows ab my BP and OCD. but we had a falling out when his little brother was hospitalized for schizo and i was hospitalized as well for my manic bp episodes and sent to tons of diff doctors and on new meds blah blah blah and no one cared ab me cuz his bro had issues. but i really needed someone to care about me and his parents (100%) and him for the most part didnt get 2 shits about me. so i stopped talking to them after my bfs mom told me that i was bringing a curse on thier household be cause i still smoke pot and so does my bf too. so i never went back after that - i never talked to anyone them for like 2 yrs. i just recent5ly saw his parents for the first time in yrs and we were supposed to go out for lunch. but when my bf and i got to san francisco (and mind you we live in oakland ca so it is a good haul to get out to the city (plus $4 for the bridge and gass - yikes, =very pricey.) and they had already eaten and they just took us to a restaurant where i had a soda and they ordered me a bowl of soup i didnt even want. i felty so disrespected and it really hurt bc i felt like even tho i initiated contact (which was a HUGE step for me) they took it so lightly ad didnt really care at all. or at least thats how it felt. i mean who eats before they go to lunch with someone?!? thats just mean. so i ahvent seen them since then (about 4 months). and i mean i feel so discouraged by all of this that i am almost going to give up. its their turn to try, i made the first step, i tried, and now they dont even try either. i dont know what to do and its makes me want to cut so bad and i probably will when im done with this letter bc i havent been able to get this out until writting it rite now. i want to fix everything bc we have plans to get married when we graduate college and get good jobs (about a year or two) and itll be so hard if we ahve this kind of division. what if we have kids too, you know? that makes it even harder. and we are both in college so that whole getting a job thing is really difficult. my parents help me out a little bit, but his refuse to give him any $ at all and so in order to survive i basically have to flip the bill. hes doing really good in school too - plus he supports me ike no one ever has. he know ab all my issues and he takes care of me in that way. but we are strapped for cash a little bit - reahter a lot a bit. but i still have so muc h resentment towards his bro and i wish that he would die, really. that would make my whole life bc i could just drop everything. i know i can probably make it work with his parents, but i really dot kno ab his bro. but i do want to fix this bc it is eating me up and feel like im just going to die. my arms al.ready look like zebras and i can afford any more scars. i cant evn wear tshirts anymore. i dont know what to do and im so depressed now yhat i can barely breathe. its like onw or the other. if i he wont die i might have to kill myself,. im just so depresed. i dont know WHAT to do...

god im so fucked.

im lost.

[Porcelain_Doll]

I'm so sorry that things are so tough right now. Perhaps brainstorm a few less extreme ways of dealing with his brother.