Coping or trying too....

[my clarity clouded]

ok.. so I am new here just recently found this place. Not exactly sure how it makes me feel other than REALLY scared and sad. I guess maybe because they are so many others out there who have the same thoughts and feelings as myself.

I was SA'ed as a child, and have been SI'ing since I was basically 10. I guess at that age I didn't really realize what I was doing.
For 30 years I have kept myself locked away from the world. Not letting anyone get close, not letting anyone know how I feel/felt. To make things even worse for me, the only person I allowed myself to trust, to see a glimpse of who I was/am turn out to be just another abuser. My way of coping was not to cope, or is that a way of coping?

I only told my family 10 months ago about the abuse.

I am not sure how to cope with all the anger that I am still feeling other than to hurt myself.
Not sure how to cope with the shame, guilt, feeling dirty.

I don't understand how I can look at everyone else and say that in no way were you to blame, it was NOT YOUR FAULT. But I can't say that to myself and believe it??

I have been told to take care of the "inner" child to let her know she is loved, to be gentle with her, to tell her it was not her fault, that she didn't deserved the things that were done to her etc.... Why can't I do that?

Does anyone else out there have this compulsive need to be perfect ? That everything you do or say has to be perfect? If it's not, you beat yourself up for it?

I feel so lost that I will never find myself.

ok that is definitely enough for now.

[idork]

First off WELCOME TO BUS!!!!!! Secondly, I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I can empathize about the feeling like you need to be perfect, I don't know if mines labeled compulsive... but I definently flip out if I don't say or do something to my standards. I know what you're going through. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. Take care!!

[Licentia Poetica]

Hey Welcome to BUS. I'm glad you found us. It's so much easier to gradually open up to people online, especially here because everyone is so non-judgemental and has been through similar things.

If you haven't yet, check out a couple of other forums. Introduce yourself on the main board, and maybe duck into the long day's arc and place, it's easy to get lost in the really large boards, but the smaller ones can help you find a niche of friends

I would say that you are definitely not alone in trying to attain perfection and feeling unworthy of treating yourself with kindness and the thoughts/ caring you need to recover from your traumas.

I understand too well the feeling of totally being able to see the innocence/ beauty/ strength in other people, and yet somehow, when you apply it to yourself.. it just doesn't work.

Have you ever spoken with a professional about your abuse? BUS is a great support, but it sounds like you've been dealing with this a long time and it might help you to unravel the thoughts and feelings with someone in real life.

It might be hard to believe, but you are valuable as a person, and you do deserve to get through this, you deserve care and happiness and a life free from abuse and self destruction. Hopefully one day you may find that hurting yourself is not the only way to express your anger and cope with your feelings. I hope BUS can help you believe all that.

El

[Li'lRuby]

Hey welcome to bus.
I don't really have any advice but I read and I understand a little bit. My mom was also SA as a child and even though I never was, her SA still affected my life. So when I was reading your post I saw my mom a lot in your life. Her pefectionism drives us crazy . But she is getting better at it.
I've also "inheriteted" her need and drive to be perfect. I was abused as a child so I always have this want to compare myself to other people. So in a way, I am a perfectionist because I am always striving to compare. Does that make sense?
I think the thing that has helped me is fighting my thoughts. Instead of always saying "should" want" "have to", try to say "I would like to do such and such" or "it would be really nice to have that done". Also, what my T encouraged me to do was do something that I know that I would mess up on but yet have fun at it. For example (I never did this but I thought this would be such a good idea) I am not good at painting anything. So what I would do is go to a store, buy a bunch of paint and just have fun mucking around with it and not making anything out of it. Truthfully...i never tried my T's advice nor thought about it till now. Maybe I'll start brainstormming and do it!! .
Hm. I hope that makes sense and helps.
Take care.
Ruby