Another Before (*SI*)

[idork]

After:

have you taken care of your physical wounds?
yes

what had happened just before?
I got home from school.

what were you thinking and feeling?
If I don't SI I'm a failure. I need to do this.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
It was building during the whole day.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

Good day until 2nd period. A classmate of mine ruined that class, like usual. I still felt like I could fight the urge until about 5th or 6th period. I started imagining how I wanted to hurt myself. I wrote a couple letters (aka Dear Somebody letters). I couldn't get it out of my mind. I came home and saw my tool in front of me, took the opportunity and SI.
Maybe I should have taken the tool away from me. Maybe gone in the other room where my mom was.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
not really any

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try anything to be honest. I was pretty convinced that I was going to SI.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
talked to someone, got out of the room... away from my tool... talked to someone on here... maybe I could have done the "before" thingy

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Umm... come on here right away and PM someone. Call a friend.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Yes it's resolved, I felt like a failure if I didn't and I did.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes, everyday in school. I feel worse and worse as the day goes on.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
write more in a letter
PM someone
tell my friend during school

[caged bird]

well done for doing the after questions and looking at the causes behind the urge.

it sounds lie you've got a pretty good idea of some of the causes, and some really good things that you could do next time you feel bad. is there anyone you can talk to about school in general (parents, teachers, head of year) from what you're saying it's getting pretty tough so maybe having someone offer you some extra support or some ways to reduce the pressure would help. perhaps that way you won't have as bad urges to SI?

would it perhaps help in future to eep your tool somewhere a bit more out opf sight or hard to get at, it can be a relaly good way to have a bit of time to think and mae sure it's really the right thing to do.

what were you thinking and feeling?
If I don't SI I'm a failure. I need to do this

can i ask what it is about SI that makes you feel less of a failure, would there be a way to challenege these thoughts, maybe trying to focus on the success you would feel at being able to beat an urge?

[idork]

I actually wrote down some thoughts that came through my mind today... they scared me a little. I also put that letter in place (Dear Somebody) but here that part is again: "You've only been doing this a year. You don't deserve to stop. You haven't done this long enough to stop. No one will believe you if you try to stop now."

I feel that by not SIing then I'm lying to everyone by telling them that I cut. I feel sometimes that if I don't cut, then I'm not being true... that I was lying all along. I'm always worried that I'm just trying to seek attention, that's part of it. I have a fear of failure, so automatically bad feelings usually lead to me feeling like a failure. Heck, I found out my math grade is a B (almost an A) and I started feeling like a failure... and a B's not bad. I almost feel like I'm giving in by NOT SI. It's really twisted and I don't know why.

And no I don't have anyone I can talk to.

[caged bird]

well done on writing stuff out.

i can realte a lot to the idea of 'you haven't been doing it long enough' or 'it's not bad enough yet'. i thin it's a fairly common feeling with a lot of things like this. i wonder though, how long would be long enough? i remember thining there was a point where i'd reach 'bad enough' and then i'd be ok again, and actually bad enough never comes, similarly i don't thin long enough does either.

even if you are trying to see attention, there's nothing wrong with that, you have to feel pretty bad to be SIing wether it's for attention or not, and everyone needs/deserves attention now and then.

perhaps it would help to talk to your GP about how you're feeling?

[idork]

ignore my noobness GP? i dont know how long is long enough, i just feel fake if i try to stop now

[caged bird]

sorry GP= doctor.

maybe if you can't tell how long is long enough, it's already been long enough?

[idork]

ahh I get GP now, it all makes since... yeah I'm feeling really good today, no slips yet (*crosses fingers*).... not sure who to talk to though (doc wise), no one knows about this except a couple friends but they don't know to what extent I SI

[idork]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll be able to keep my emotions in check.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
no it will not take away the situation

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I'll feel horrible after I slip. I'll feel even worse in the dressing room (theater).

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
At least a day or two..... I don't know.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
This right now. Trying the listening to good music. It'll get the pressure out of my chest and make me able to focus.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Not really that different.... to both of those.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to leave reality. I want to give up. I want to die I guess....



Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of being treated like a kid. I'm tired of being ignored when I speak. I'm tired of having to do so much. I have too much pressure on me right now.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, SI. Horrible that I SIed

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I'm listening to music and doing this. I'm going to try some distractions or games in a second.

How do I feel right now?
Exahausted, tired of dealing with this, frustrated

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
In control. I'll forget everything.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Horrible that I hurt myself. Ashamed.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Can't really avoid life.... possibly just let it roll off my shoulders, or ignore it.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't know......

[idork]

WOO HOO. I didn't cut, and I'm tired enough to go to bed without SI. I made it one day, *does the moon walk*

[caged bird]

well done

[idork]

yeah... I failed. I cut today at school.

[idork]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it wont... just let me not punch someone in the face, oh the charges would be interesting

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
anger release

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
angry at self, but not likely to hurt another person

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
not long apparently... i don't know

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself?
I'd love to do some exercise, not possible

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Not really that different.... to both of those.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm tired of being treated like a kid. I have too much pressure on me right now. I'm tired of the nagging, I'm so tired of being angry.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, nothing... just sat there in anger

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
nothing, cant think of anything

How do I feel right now?
frustrated, furious

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
In control. the release of anger

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i dont know

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Not really... college isn't coming fast enough

Do I need to hurt myself?
I feel that I need it right now

[idork]

Before:

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it will let me go to bed

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
the thoughts might stop

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I'll feel horrible, like always, but I'll feel I guess "complete". I dunno

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I've been able to only cut every other day, so maybe that long at least.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in?
Sleep... I'll be too busy tomorrow to think.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel ashamed because of Church. I'll feel sleepy, like I always do.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
sleep, listen to some music... might help put me to bed


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
The thoughts keep building up. I'll feel fake if I don't. (see my place)

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, cut

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Told people that I want to hurt myself. I've tried distractions. I don't know.

How do I feel right now?
very very tired

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'll feel pain. I want pain right now.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll feel even sleepier... if that's a word. Horrible, like I have a secret.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Not sure.

Do I need to hurt myself?
Do you ever really NEED to hurt yourself, or is it more of a want?