this was obsessive compulsive self harm.
i pulled some of my eyelashes out while talking
on the phone. now i have a big bald patch on
my eye and i feel ashamed and angry and i
have to go out like this when i've been feeling
better about myself and the way i look.
what had happened just before?
i was talking on the phone with a friend for
a long time.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt uncomfortable. i told her how i'd been
feeling lately with s.u. feelings/urges a couple
of days ago, and i felt uncomfortable with the
way she responded. i don't know why i talk to
her sometimes. i feel completely "run
over" talking to her a lot of the time. i feel
dominated.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
well for one thing, it is not good for me to have
hour+ conversations on the phone. i never feel
good when i do that. i need to limit my conver-
sations. i also need to stop fucking eating so
badly. i am killing myself. eating the wrong
things aggravates my ocd big time. and then
my resistance to self harm goes way down.
and i'm getting indigestion so painful that i
want to cry every fucking day. but i can't
fucking stop doing it. eating shit that i
shouldn't eat.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i don't know because i can't remember. i just
remember not feeling good during and then
getting angry at some point although i am
not sure how aware of it i was then. waking
up at 4 something a.m. right now, i am aware
i'm angry.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
the food. the long conversations.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i didn't try. i was absorbed into the conversation
and i did it with my free hand.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
get off the fucking phone. not called her in the
first place. i was starting to feel better and then
i called that %^$#@. i called her. i hate
this relationship.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i need to check in with myself to see how i feel
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i don't know. i feel like i hate her so much sometimes.
but she's my oldest friend. i've known her since jr.
high. whenever she talks about "us" she acts as if
whatever she experienced it's how "we" felt and
it's not. and when i try to tell her that she doesn't
accept it. she tries to weasel around it. "no, we
this we that."
NO #@$%. WE DID NOT. THAT WAS YOU. I AM
ME. i don't feel seen. i don't feel heard. and i feel
manipulated. almost every time i speak to her.
why did i ever go back to this stupid relationship?
oh wait i remember. thanks, p, you asshole. why
the fuck did listen to you? you were invalidating
as well. i told you it wasn't good for me. but you
said shit about old friends. well guess what
sometimes old friends suck. and they never
change.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. i need to avoid her for awhile. and figure
out what the fuck i want to do. because she
hung up thinking we're all cool but i feel like
i hate her. and the funny thing is, i didn't
realize how i felt last night. it's like i disappear
or go numb when i have those conversations.
and it's so hard to tell her i feel angry. and
when i have, it hasn't worked out that great.
she has flipped out on me before the same
way my mother has.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
if i start to feel that way, hang the fuck up.
take care of myself.
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
being on the phone because i was absorbed
into the conversation and not thinking straight.
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i did it by calling her when i didn't really feel like i watned
to. a tiny voice in the back of my mind said "i don't really
want to"
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have reminded myself NOT to do it.
i would have mentally said "no you don't want
to do that" when i'm on the phone its automatic.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
i think it would have still been there but i would
have been alone by myself and i would have
had my own thoughts more straight.
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
for this particular thing, eating the wrong things
and being on the phone
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
better
