These are letters addressed to people IRL, emotions/feelings, household objects, etc. They are not addressed to anyone at BUS. This idea was 'stolen' from Stormy, and they're just ranting letters to help me vent (new coping method).
There will be apalling language, and perhaps some triggers to SI and SU. I will not label individual posts, so be cautious. Other than that... Enjoy.
Loneliness--
Leave me alone! I feel like no one is with me, and yet you are always at my side, dragging me away from others, pulling me down to sulk and cry. I am in a house with three other people and two pets, and yet you are the only one I see, feel. Fuck! You follow me to school, chase me into classrooms, drag me back home to sigh and ignore phonecalls. You make me stare longingly at my tool, you make me wish I could just disappear. You make me crave you again when things become unfamiliar, uncertain, new and different. Fuck you, fuck off, GO AWAY.
Rants and Ravings (letters)
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pelagic
- sock rocker
- Posts: 3615
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:16 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: International Waters
S--
Why can't I just tell you? Why can't you, with all honesty, assure me that I can trust you, that you'll comfort me? The scars, all of them, I wish I could tell you without sounding ridiculous, without sounding needy, without you telling someone... I love you, but do I trust you? Or am I too heavily guarded? Why must I go through this alone? Would you stand by me, or would you edge away?
I'm glad we are still friends, and I know we always will be. I love you, but I fear you won't love me if I tell you what I do to myself. And I don't want you to, somehow, get it into your head that SI is acceptable.
Perhaps I am protecting you. Perhaps I am only protecting myself. I wish you could find out by accident so I would be forced to tell you. I wish I wasn't alone in this.
Why can't I just tell you? Why can't you, with all honesty, assure me that I can trust you, that you'll comfort me? The scars, all of them, I wish I could tell you without sounding ridiculous, without sounding needy, without you telling someone... I love you, but do I trust you? Or am I too heavily guarded? Why must I go through this alone? Would you stand by me, or would you edge away?
I'm glad we are still friends, and I know we always will be. I love you, but I fear you won't love me if I tell you what I do to myself. And I don't want you to, somehow, get it into your head that SI is acceptable.
Perhaps I am protecting you. Perhaps I am only protecting myself. I wish you could find out by accident so I would be forced to tell you. I wish I wasn't alone in this.
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pelagic
- sock rocker
- Posts: 3615
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:16 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: International Waters
J--
I know you cut. I worry about you a lot, truly, I do, which is why I just sent you the URL to BUS, hoping that you will find some comfort in it, won't hate me for it, and thankful that you can't see me almost in tears. I'm fighting urges, just as you are, and you don't even know. And now, you've just said, quite simply, 'no' as a reply to the URL for BUS.
Fine. Don't think I understand. Don't think that I'm only trying to help. I tried, and I'm still trying to work up the courage to ask for help. You mention it briefly, vaguely, why do you do this if not for my advice, for some comfort?
I'm getting so frustrated now. I feel so unbelievably urgy. I want to hurt myself to prove to you that I feel pain. Fuck. I don't want to swear at you, but fuck. I wish you'd just fucking open your eyes and realize that even people like me, who's parents are still together and who isn't acting like a moron about a boy, not only feel pain but cause it. Fuck.
I know you cut. I worry about you a lot, truly, I do, which is why I just sent you the URL to BUS, hoping that you will find some comfort in it, won't hate me for it, and thankful that you can't see me almost in tears. I'm fighting urges, just as you are, and you don't even know. And now, you've just said, quite simply, 'no' as a reply to the URL for BUS.
Fine. Don't think I understand. Don't think that I'm only trying to help. I tried, and I'm still trying to work up the courage to ask for help. You mention it briefly, vaguely, why do you do this if not for my advice, for some comfort?
I'm getting so frustrated now. I feel so unbelievably urgy. I want to hurt myself to prove to you that I feel pain. Fuck. I don't want to swear at you, but fuck. I wish you'd just fucking open your eyes and realize that even people like me, who's parents are still together and who isn't acting like a moron about a boy, not only feel pain but cause it. Fuck.
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pelagic
- sock rocker
- Posts: 3615
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:16 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: International Waters
Hershey, my baby--
Hershey, my baby, you are so beautiful. You are only a dog, and yet I feel like a mum. You are always getting into trouble, always consuming things that are not eatable (like those cupcake papers you recently devoured), always so roly-poly and hugable. I wish life was better to you, I wish that someone else, someone with millions upon millions of dollars, would take you away from us and take you for six hour walks every day, feed you steak, let you have your own king sized bed, or allowed to sleep with people on the furniture. I wish you weren't always so lonely when we're at school, or the parents are at work. I wish I could make you happier, wish I wasnt distracted by everyday life to spend every second with you so that you never feel alone. Your tag wags so fast whenever I say your name, it's just screaming how lonely you are and how unloved you feel. When I have nightmares and wake up with strong urges, I hear you downstairs barking for me, and when I go downstairs you jump on top of me and give me a big doggy hug. I wish I could do the same for you, and I wish people would stop calling you "just a dog" as you are so much more, my SI would be so much worse without you to hug and whisper to.
Hershey, my baby, you are so beautiful. You are only a dog, and yet I feel like a mum. You are always getting into trouble, always consuming things that are not eatable (like those cupcake papers you recently devoured), always so roly-poly and hugable. I wish life was better to you, I wish that someone else, someone with millions upon millions of dollars, would take you away from us and take you for six hour walks every day, feed you steak, let you have your own king sized bed, or allowed to sleep with people on the furniture. I wish you weren't always so lonely when we're at school, or the parents are at work. I wish I could make you happier, wish I wasnt distracted by everyday life to spend every second with you so that you never feel alone. Your tag wags so fast whenever I say your name, it's just screaming how lonely you are and how unloved you feel. When I have nightmares and wake up with strong urges, I hear you downstairs barking for me, and when I go downstairs you jump on top of me and give me a big doggy hug. I wish I could do the same for you, and I wish people would stop calling you "just a dog" as you are so much more, my SI would be so much worse without you to hug and whisper to.
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pelagic
- sock rocker
- Posts: 3615
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:16 am
- Gender: Female
- Location: International Waters
Fuck... I dont know where to scream or cry, I can't believe you. FUCK YOU. Grab me like that again, scream at me like that again, hit me again and I'm going to do something about it. I'm getting a job, you dont want me to but I AM, and I'm saving up. FUCK YOU. you tell me that I'll end up homeless and end up as no one and achieve nothing. I may be nobody to you, but I will try as hard as I possibly can to make myself want to live, and to survive.
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