Post
by The_Little_Kid » Mon Nov 05, 2007 10:19 pm
**
*
*
* SU*SI (I don't know if it's appropriate in this case, but guess I do mention it)
*
*
**
To certain family members:
I know I generalize people a lot, but you know what I. DON'T. GIVE. A. SHIT. As you should know if you've actually paid enough attention, I HATE HUMANS, all humans. I think they're pure evil, they're entire existence is purely centered around hating, destroying, wars, "conquering", murdering, abusing, being evil, manipulating with malicious intent, preventing knowledge, corrupting, and just being scary. If I imagine a perfect world it's one without humans, I hate humans so much.
I don't trust you or anybody.
I wish you see how stupid you are for saying that if someone who used to hate humans stop hating them they've changed, but someone who used to like humans and start to dislike/hate them has build a shell around themselves. I wish you'd all see how stupid you all are.
Further I'm not as good as you think I am, no I'm not underestimating myself. I can't even get a fifth of a day's work done for four consecutive days! I'm also not as intelligent as everybody seems to think I am, if I was I would have know a lot more and would have been able to figure things out better. I don't have a grain of self-discipline I know what you think, but you don't know me, so just shut the fuck up. I don't know nearly as much as you think I do, I'm merely a microscopic dot within a microscopic dot. If you think I know a lot then your on the third microscopic dot.
I'm really paranoid, I have trust issues, I have to constantly fight OCD tendencies which I supposedly don't have (and didn't have until recently) I hate humans so so passionately!
I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down, I wish I could have a nervous break down.
I've had times where the only way out I could see was suicide, I can't commit suicide because that's giving up and it's impossible for me to give up, I wish I could give up. I cut.
I openly talk about things like that but you never realize I only research psychological stuff if it's applicable to me or if I want to understand something about me.
I sometimes wish I could just be "normal" whatever that may be, I'm really glad that I'm not normal.
I have difficulty understanding how I can have multiple opposing viewpoints on something and consider all to be equally true.
I sometimes wish I could cry, I can't cry as someone will use it to they're advantage and my disadvantage.
I wish I could just find a place on earth that's free of humans, I'm not a human and there's no way you can convince me otherwise.
I wish you could just not nose into my world, it's perfect enough and perfectly fucked up enough without your interference.
I hate it if anybody say "You know if you now this and this I/we could really use you" or "If you know this and that it would really help me", when will you realize that I hate humans and as such have absolutely no desire to 'help' them? They're beyond help anyway even if I could do something.
I can't see a future for me, I can see what I want to learn and know and I kinda worship knowledge and imagination, but in a world full of humans, where can a creature like me survive?
Why can't you just listen to me? Why can't you just accept that what I say is what I mean? Why can't you just accept that I don't believe the same things as you? Why can't you just think about what I say before you shoot down my ideas?
Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone?
Why can't you all just see that I get physically distressed if someone comes closer than 1.5m without me explicitly allowing them? Why can't you just see that I get physically distressed with touching objects that has been touched or worn by humans?? I wish I could have my own room with it's own bath room which I can lock so nobody can touch anything I would keep it clean so you don't have to come into it.
I wish you can just realize my room is the only safe place that exists but it stops being safe if you enter it at all.
I really glad you know shit about computers so that I can keep you off mine. I don't believe it's true that you know shit about computers I think your just really good at hiding it and that you break into my computer and look at my stuff. (some of which is _really_ sensitive to me)
I don't believe I was really born from you I believe I'm some kind of project, I believe my memories can't be trusted as true and don't really trust what I perceive to be 'physical' to truly be physical I believe it's all just my imagination.
I hate being the family psychiatrist. No I don't give a fuck if so and so didn't like your tooth brush that's your fucking problem deal with it by your fucking self or ask someone else to care, I have my own fucking problems. I don't care if I'm a good listener, if your not going to follow my advice just DON'T FUCKING ASK!!!!, and guess what most of the time I'm not really even listening!!! I'm trying to block you out and continue what I was doing only you never fucking realizing it!! And you don't even seem to get it when I tell you that I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU WHINE.
I wish I could tell you that I don't follow the same religion as you. I know you mean well but I wish you can just not assume that I'm following the same religion as you and stop talking to me as if I did.
I wish you would just have accepted when I told you I think I'm crazy/delusional/hallucinating/psychotic/insane or at the very least considered it instead of just saying that insane people don't think they're insane they think the rest of the world is. Did it ever occur to you that I might really be and just have enough sense to know that there is something wrong? Did it also occur to you that I actually really happened to think that the rest of the world is wrong????
I wish you could just see me. but desire to a much much greater extend that I was completely invisible, intangible, unknowable.
I wish all sentient beings could just see that bigger more complex and more violent isn't the way to go rather the less complex opposite direction is what's important.
To my best and only friend:
I wish I could tell you who I am and I wish you could tell me who you are. Even if you say I know just about everything about you I know it's not true. I wish I could think of the questions that's needed to learn more about you.
I wish I could see you more often than once every three years. I fear that in the near future it's going to be much less.
I'm really really really afraid that I'm going to lose you. You mean a fucking lot to me.
I wish I could tell you that I love you and not have to worry about you interpreting it as romantic.
I sometimes wish you where here so you can hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok, even though I hate physical contact and I know it isn't.
I wish I could tell you that I have to fight myself and order to trust you to be you. I wish I could tell you that I never had to fight myself and convince myself that your not some kind of government agent or other agent that's sent to get me comfortable.
I wish I could find someway to conclusively believe that you're not a government agent.
Thanks for all the times you've been there for me. Thanks for being there for me when my parents almost left each other.
I would really like to tell you that you're an awesome friend and the only human I don't hate.
I would really like to thank you for not having ripped out the little trust I have left.
If I ever decide that I might be wrong with somethings and I'd like to "recover" I'd really like to ask you to help me.
I would never ask you to help me as I believe that you have enough problems of your own without having mine added to them. Even if I didn't believe that I would still not ask you as I don't do things like that.
Even though I had a crush on you around the time we started to become friends and I was somewhat jealous of your first bf I've come to love you platonically, and would like to say that I'm really happy for you having found your current bf. I'd really like to get to know him better as I'd like to know if he's good enough for you, but I trust your judgment and as long as your happy I'm glad. I'm somewhat afraid that he might break your hart and would really like to be there for you if he screws you over. Now I'm not saying that he's going to do it and I'm really hoping that it would never happen but I'd like you to let me be there for you like you've been there for me. Although I shouldn't hear this part I'd personally break his neck if he fucks with you.
To all humans:
I hate you ineffably I just can't describe how much I hate and despise you, and I can't describe how you fuck things up.
You take pure beautiful knowledge and turn it into weapons, into cards in you hands with which to destroy your opponent you murder, you cheat, you lie, you try to take away knowledge which is my only love in this world. You warp knowledge to serve your own selfish needs. You think that you have the right destroy something because of the "greater good" you think you can take choice away because it's "for his/her and/or others own good".
You punish everything that doesn't do what you say. Your the reason this world is in the state it's in.
Your the reason I'm as fucked as I am. You say your my friend and win my trust, but when you realize I'm not the same as you you abandon me. You rip the little bit of trust I have left to itty bitty fucking pieces. You make me hate you more.
You take/took my future away, you decide whether what I'm saying is correct or not, whether it's valid or not after all I'm just a kid I don't know shit.
You think you get to decide what and who I am. You try to imprison me and take away my freedom.
You scare the living fucking shit out of me. I'm almost scared to go out of my room. I shy away from every and all humans when and where I can. I shutdown if there's more than a few humans, if I go to the mall, I shutdown and start to feel anxious, like I can't breath like everything is spinning like my center of gravity is off I feel light headed and not completely there.
I wish I could just completely block out all humans but I can't because they control knowledge, so they control my reality. You've isolated me, you know everything about me, you've targeted me as I'm different, not human. I'm something else and you don't like it. So you kill my reality, my life, my future, and I just so wish I could say that I would get through this. That I'm stronger than this, that I can take what ever they throw at me.... but I can't.
To myself
No matter what they say I know,
I'm paranoid
have inclinations towards OCD
have strong inclinations towards agoraphobia
may or may not have a pretty weak grasp on "reality", (although that's nullified by what I believe reality is)
have some anxiety issues
have strong trust issues
I fear and hate humans
I really dislike/fear direct and indirect contact with humans and avoid it when possible
I can't ever find balance I always go to some kind of extreme whether too much or too little
I'm stupid
a slob
sloppy
messy
can't retain information well, and even though I could remedy all that to some extent with hard work I'm too pathetic to do it
I'm severely ADHD
I'm trying to build self discipline but I can't even manage to do that
I can't quit
I really like the idea of becoming an assassin and killing humans
I really wish I was five yo, I try to act five yo, I can't do it as I'm 18, broad shouldered and usually estimated at 30 yo. I tried acting like a kid on one mud got myself a small female elf, acted a little naive and I actually got treated somewhat kid like but... well I just can't seem to keep playing that game.
I wish I could shake this feeling of being careful with money and not getting the books I want/need/would love to have/desire.
I wish I can tell anybody something that's important to me, but I can't as I don't trust anybody and some of my ideas only works in my "reality". Also what would it help if I tell them? It's not that they can do anything about it.
Things that I do that could be considered bad: cutting. (haven't had the courage to OD or drink as those would require me to interact with humans) The weird part is I didn't start SHing to cope with all this, (in fact I didn't cope at all it looked like it but I really didn't) I just kinda started SHing for no reason at all. I was calm and pretty happy when I first did it, I didn't even realize it could be used as a coping strategy. The only reason I found this place is cause I wondered why I was doing it, but this place has been less than helpful in clearing _that_ up.
I actually don't view it as bad at the moment, I came up with it myself so it's feels like its unique, it's private and personal, (the forum doesn't count) nobody can take it away from me, it doesn't stay in my mind even though I still can't be sure maybe it _is_ all just in my mind, and lastly I still control it. My only fear is that it's just a "phase" that I might "grow out of"
Things that's controversial: I'm a really positive an happy-go-lucky person I don't think I know what stress or depression is like (although I might just be deluding myself as how can someone be that fucked and still be positive and happy-go-lucky?)
And that's all I can think of saying, I have no idea for who I'm writing it whether for myself or what ever but frankly I just don't give a fuck at the moment. I'd really like someone to hold me right now but I really don't. All in all that was fucking hard especially on certain places and just fucking pathetic. I would really like to talk to someone about this.
[EDIT] Fixed the grammar a little.
