after

[Binayshee]

After:

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  yes
• what had happened just before?
  
  a friend had come over for lunch, and i was feeling unhappy with the way things went. i did not like how she responded when i talked about the problems i've been having with my son. she said, "that's too bad" and raised her eyebrows in this way that looked to me like she felt superior to me or something. and i felt like whenever i talked about me she looked either bored or "superior" and i just didn't feel respected and cared about.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  i felt ashamed. i felt "not good as". i was thinking how i didn't like how she was acting/responding. i felt angry. but i didn't know what to say. so more and more things kept happening that i felt hurt or angered or something like, but less than humilated, and then by the time she left i felt really tired and not very good about me.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  my son whom i've been fighting with a lot came home and got on the computer. i wanted to come on here and write about what happened with my friend, because i felt triggered by it, but he was in here and i didn't want to start a fight by asking for the computer because i feel like i am "walking on eggshells" all the time these days. and that felt bad and the lunch i had with my friend was not at all what i needed and i just felt "blocked in" every which way and i decided to hell with it i feel like such shit i need something right NOW.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  not invited that friend over, because i've been feeling pretty fragile and she can be extremely insensitive and self centered sometimes. that was not good taking care of myself.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  i'm not sure. i didn't take my fish oil today. that helps me a lot. i was tired.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  at that point, after 2 1/2 hours of feeling like i wasn't getting what i needed, i felt sort of "out of it" or something. fuzzy. and then i had no down time to process that, between that and my son coming home from school
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  have my list handy of alternatives. i need to put that up in the kitchen.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  put the list up where i can see it. take a bath.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?i feel angry. well what i decided was i was going to stay away from that particular friend for awhile.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  i realized i wasn't up to socializing earlier in the day, maybe i could have cancelled.