before

[Binayshee]

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  i don't know. i just felt anxious, and kind of "hollow" or something and then i got an intense urge. earlier i was feeling like i wanted to go out and do something active, see something new, go for a walk, just didn't feel like being in but everytime i tried to imagine doing something, i had doubts or "buts" about it:
  
  "i could walk on the bluff" - "but i don't want to walk that much/far:
  "i feel like getting myself something special" - "but i shouldn't spend any money right now. plus the store is far.
  
  i tried to call a friend, but it wasn't what i needed and i just ended up sort of listening to her instead of doing something for me, which is what a part of me felt like i was needing.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  yes i have been here before. sometimes i have just made myself go out, despite all my discomfort and reasons not to. i have taken something to distract myself, like the camera to take pictures of things that strike me. i feel afraid today, though, afraid to go out in the world. i feel vulneralbe and my son and i are finally getting along a little better and i'm afraid of changing that. its like i'm afraid to breathe lest i "stir the air." so i stayed home and am cleaning but a part of me feels super sad and neglected. i wanted to do something nice for me today because i've been through so
  much stress and sadness lately.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  well i thought of ideas, called that friend. got busy with something constructive (the cleaning) but a part of me is still unhappy inside. i could spend some time listening to that part of myself that is unhappy and maybe take a risk to get out even though i am afraid to.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  really down, sad, grieving, exhausted
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  i will feel relief from the feelings plaguing me.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  like shit. ashamed. angry at myself. disappointed. frustrated.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  well maybe when i feel like this, it is better to "push" myself out the door, because its been a couple hours and i still feel like shit, even though i'm busy doing constructive things because i need to nurture myself a little. i've been through a lot lately.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  no.
  
  i am going to take the next bus up to the shopping center, get some batteries for the camera and make myself go for that walk. even though i don't think it'll make anything better, and i'll just feel worse. i try it and see at least if it helps. it's better to try something than get "stuck."

[LBC]

Hi Binayshee

I hope that going out helped. I really need to force myself to do it sometimes, too. If I'm down and I'm feeling really resistant to going out, often I try to force myself to do it anyway...the more resistant I am, the more I actually need to just do it.

Good for you for taking the risk.

Take gentle care.

[Binayshee]

thank you little bear cub. it really did help. i actually
ended up having a wonderful time hiking and taking
pictures. i posted the pics in my place - i'd love to
share them if you feel like popping over:
http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php? ... 39#2828439

answering the questions helped. i never would have
gone out if i hadn't done that and realized that i
needed to "nurture my soul" a bit.