After

[Cryptoquing]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. I stopped short of needing care. Superficial, no care needed.

what had happened just before? I was letting the thoughts fester in my head, I gave in after fighting it for 2 days.


what were you thinking and feeling? I was thinking I deserved punishment and that would bring me some relief and calm. I was feeling bad. bad = shameful, guilty, self-loathing/hatred.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? The final straw was that I was tired of fighting it and all coping methods were not helping for any length of time. I just let the thouhgts turn into a plan and then...

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. It just kept building. I couldlnot find something that I felt I needed to show my T and what I did find made me feel cold, mean and nasty. I could have continued to try the distractions, I could have stayed with my agreement with my T.Do nothing until I actually talk to her (text does not count). I could have followed through on plans already made.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? No outside factors.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? I tried calling, distractions on BUS, following through on safety plans, The distractions worked for a while but as soon as I signed off BUS , the thoughts were back in my head.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I should have opened my office door, gotten out of the office, and gotten around people. It is harder to do now as the only person that was aware of my situation and cutting has left for another job. She used to help me through these rough times I coudl sit eith her and she knew why. I think I need a new plan for work.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. I will put a note on my computer to remind myself to get out of this office or at least to have the door open. I eill leave messsages for others to call me back instead of just hanging up when I get voice mail.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? It is not resolved it happens to be a core issue that has finally come to the surface and I am working on it in Therapy but that is only once per week. I have to figure out a way to go through the week with all of this feeling and not hurt myself or want to so much.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? Definitely! I am in it again today. I recognize it as it hurts and makes me feel out of control.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. Today I have already set up a time to talk to the T, I will Wait it out until 1 when I am to call her. I will put up the reminders in my office. I will try to talk about how I feel to someone I trust instead of trying to show them on my body.

I feel now about the self harm like I did prior to it only worse. I feel shame and guilt and disappointment in my self and I feel scared to tell My T about the incident...but I do have a time set up to call her as mentioned earlier. I see that even though there was some initial relief, That it is a vicious cycle. I felt bad and now I feel bad. I am back to having it in my head, almost constantly today. So really how did it help? and why do I still want to?...knowing what I just wrote is true.

[ChaseThisLight]

It sounds like you have some good ideas on how to prevent SIing in the future. Follow through is the most important, and the hardest step. SI is easy....avoiding and trying new coping mechanisms is difficult, but very important. I hope talking with your T goes well and that they can give you some good insight.

take care.