after

[divine]

Have you taken care of your physical wounds? If not, go do that now. We'll wait.

Yeah, as best as I can. It's been a while since I have, so I don't have any
band-aids, unfortunately, but I cleaned and alcoholed.

What had happened just before?
Someone told me I should. I was upset, and they said that I could do it if I wanted. That they wouldn't mind.

What were you thinking and feeling?
I was overwhelmed, and it's a little blurry, but I was scared that everyone was going to hate me, and terrified of making any choices. I wanted someone to make a choice for me. Someone told me I could, and I did.

Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
I said no. That's my last clear though. I've been having a hard time lately, for no reason, it seems, doing anything sexual with my boyfriend. And sometimes I'm okay, but mostly I'm not. I don't want to, and I get upset after. And he told me a few days ago that he really wanted me to tell him that I didn't want to do it. And I did. And I hate, hate, hate, deciding, and making decisions. And it hurt, really badly. I was hysterical for several hours, trying not to. And, he said I could, and I just did.

How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I know what I could've done. If I hadn't told my boyfriend that I wanted to cut, he wouldn't have told me I could. And, that acceptance is just so rare from him. He's always upset, or angry, and he just wasn't. And I took advantage of it. But I don't want to hide things from him. I don't. But if I talk about it, ever, it seems I just guilt him into letting me. Because, he asked me to stop. I stopped for him, and he doesn't like controlling me. If I want to, he feels bad. I don't want that, but I want to be able to talk to him, and I don't see a balance.

Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
I lost my chance with meds a while back. I didn't want to take them, and mom didn't make me go to a psych anymore. So now I don't have one, even though I realize that I could use one. And I was really tired. I don't know how much that affected anything, but I suppose I could sleep more.
What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
Sadly, I didn't try much. I was really upset, and I was just trying to stop crying. So, I was stuffing everything. I tried distracting myself with music, the computer, television, anything. But I was still stuffing. And then, I tried to talk, and it didn't do me much good. Talking rarely does.

In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?
Coping methods never seem to work for me. Either I do, or I don't. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to tell me.

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
If I find any that work, I'll remind myself that I don't want to throw myself into a position of feeling like crap afterwards. -thinks of a second- I'll make a list of anything that even slightly helps, and keep it somewhere to remind me.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I think it sucked. A lot. It's not really resolved. But I'm going to try to resolve it. I'm going to get a friend. Harder than it seems. I moved to a new high school, and I have no one I can hand my stuff for safe-keeping. I'll throw away the razors I used, because I broke the safety plastic, and I couldn't use them to shave now anyways. And I'll talk to my boyfriend, EEKK, and try to make him understand that I want to be able to talk to him without him feeling bad.

Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Probably. No one seems to beleive in me anymore, and it makes it hard to beleive in myself. I'll feel like shit, and probably be bleeding, unfortunately. I know when I'm upset, I just don't know how to prevent getting there.

What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
Calling people, just to talk, even if they don't know about the SI, at least I can chat with them.
Think happy thoughts. It sounds awfully cheesy, but I swear I'm not blowing it off. I'll just try to think about things that make me happy.
Post a 'before'. Just having a task might make it easier.

I feel like crap about the whole thing. Just because it's been so long. Like, almost half a year. And then I messed it all up. I feel like a failure, and a fraud. I told someone just last week that I used to cut. And now it's like I've lied. Maybe I got ahead of myself, but I was confident. And all that's been stripped away. I'm starting from scratch, and I can't pull it off ever again, and it really scares me.
Advice and support welcome. Even hugs would be nice. =/

[caged bird]

i'm sorry you had such a tough night. sometimes it can be better to look at SI when on the whole you've been free for a long time as a slip, i find that often makes it easier to put it behind you and carry on, because carrying on is a lot easier than 'starting from scratch'.

I noticed you mentioned that you don't feel you've got any other coping methods, and i thought you might find this thread useful Scarily vast list of coping strategies it's got tonnes of good ideas you can try when you're triggered and urgy, infact the whole coping forum is pretty good.

it sounds like you've still got a bit of an unresolved situation and that you could really do with taking to your boyfriend about the thtings that happened, perhaps being able to more calmly explain some of the thoughts and feelings behind the inital reason for you needing to say no (sometimes it's easier to have the conversations when you're less emotionally involved) and then the sequence of events that happened after.

hope things feel better soon xx