before

[Briony]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I’ll feel in control again. I’ll be focused on myself instead of on the other people that are triggering me.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring a sense of calm and control. I’ll lose time si free, which I’m not counting. More importantly, I’ll lose some self respect.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel secure and loved. I want to not have to worry about people’s motives or whether or not they care. Hurting myself won’t have an effect on what other people do, but it will effect whether or not I love myself.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I’ll feel fine for the next day or so. After that, the worst of the stress should have passed, and I won’t have to worry for another while.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could study for my test. I could pour myself another glass of wine. I could write a journal entry. All of these things won’t effect the situation. Studying would make me feel less nervous about my exam tomorrow.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Relieved. I’m not perfect and I won’t have to pretend to myself that I am anymore. If I study instead, I’ll feel more prepared, but I’ll still feel bad about the situation with him.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to be reassured. I can acknowledge that I’m nervous about things that are outside my control. I can focus on things that I can work with.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel like I need to hurt myself because of a combination of stresses. Mainly, I’m disappointed because I don’t trust him, and I want to be able to let go of that situation. Dwelling on the negatives got me here.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I’ve been here before, and I’ve cut. I felt better. Like I’d already punished myself for being insecure, so I didn’t have to feel bad about it anymore.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I’ve tried IMing him and telling him that I need reassurance, but he didn’t answer. (Could be my internet.) I can write a letter explaining how I feel.

* How do I feel right now?
I feel ashamed and betrayed and hurt. I’m ashamed that I’m still feeling bad because he lied to me. I’m betrayed not just because he lied, but because he’s not giving me the reassurance that I want. I feel helpless because I can’t control if he tells me the truth or not. I feel hurt because I don’t have a reason to feel like this, so I can’t talk about it with him.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Ashamed, relieved.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Relaxed. Calmer.
Disappointed in myself.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can’t avoid him. Maybe I can ask directly for reassurance, or try to explain the process that I’m going through so that he doesn’t feel like I’m dredging up old stuff.

• Do I need to hurt myself?
No….but I want to.