Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
same situation. but some relief from the anxiety. and some punishment that i so deserve. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring temporary relief, maybe help me breathe a bit. but i will also have to hide my cuts and feel guilty cutting. pdoc wants me to call him before doing anything, and i'm not going to. it will bring some element of control, even for a few minutes. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
in the long run, cutting has never and will never get me to where i want to be ultimately in my life. but what am i supposed to do in the mean time, when things are so out of control, and the anxiety is so bad i can't breathe? - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i can hope it'll last until i fall asleep. my night meds will have hopefully kicked in with it too. maybe the 2 combined, i'll be able to sleep tonight for a change. then in the am, i'll just start all over agian. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
this question always gets me. i'm totally beat, totally out of it. got no money, no friends that i can call. i could call pdoc, but for what... i dont know why i want to hurt myself. what am i going to say to him? i dont have any energy to do anything. i know it sounds like i've already given up.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i'll feel like shit. worse than i already do about myself, if that's possible. like there's really no hope for me, ever. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i need to punish myself. ive done some bad things. i'm not a good girl. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, its my life. i'm a bad person. sometimes i've gotten thru, sometimes i've cut. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i havent drunk alchohol, i've talked to my mom and a couple of friends, i've messed around on bus for a while, watced tv. - How do I feel right now?
anxious, scared, stressed, guilty, out of control, urgy,
god that got to be too many quiestons.