Before (feeling trapped)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Fear. I feel less and less able to deal with life. Everything seems to hurt on some level. Being loved hurts. Having friends hurts. Looking at the pretty flowering azalea in my window hurts. Drinking this cup of coffee hurts. When the supposedly good things in life don't bring comfort, I don't know what to do...
  
  I'm scared of existing. Feeling. Being aware. Of living and dying. I don't seem as able anymore to blank things out and just get on with it.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  On and off, but especially in the past year or so. I hang on and hang on most of the time, occasionally I give in to the SI which of course doesn't actually change anything, until I become suicidal enough to end up in hospital. And then some new treatment or med, which never work out in the long run.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  The past few weeks... I have tried to "be good". Sleep, eat properly, exercise - I can't say that it makes much difference in itself but it makes me feel a bit more virtuous. See people, act as normal as I could. Help a friend, help b/f with stuff. And at times, I have tried to open up to T, b/f, a couple of friends, but talking doesn't seem to get me anywhere.
  
  This morning... got out of bed very early, it's not good really but feels temporarily better. My preferred coffee, some grapes, healthy cereal, vitamines. Games on computer. Made a nonsense post on main to pretend an involvement I don't feel. Music. More games. Hugged b/f when he woke up.
  
  Going to have a hot shower. Then a walk and a yoga class. Bake some bread when I get home. Do laundry. Check on a friend. Call various family.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Very small and trapped. Guilty for not dealing better.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Comforted, reassured somehow. If I can handle the pain, maybe I can handle being alive.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Guilty probably for making b/f worry. Otherwise... it doesn't seem to matter.
  
  Well, I guess I don't want to go to yoga with fresh wounds in case it starts bleeding.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Not really, it's not an outside thing, it's in my head and I don't know what to do about it.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. It seems impractical today. And I don't think I could muster the energy anyway.