I will stop debating whether or not I should si and I will finally feel like I got what I deserved.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Hurting myself would bring shame and sadness because its been so long since I've last hurt myself and I've been really proud of myself for getting through several monthes without si.
At the same time though giving into si would make this constant debate in my head on whether or not I should si go away. It would also make the guilt I'm feeling go away about one situation for at least a little while.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel like I perservered and didn't give up when things got tough. I want to know that I can get through difficult situations like this without resorting to si. I want to feel stronger not more pathetic.
Si would probably take me further away from these feelings and make me feel like more of a failure.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief would probably last at least over the next two days and maybe the weekend. After that I'll probably feel like self harming again.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could stay on BUS until I feel better and try and sort these feelings and thoughts out by talking instead of doing si. If I did that I would still be able to feel proud of myself for not giving into si and maybe I could get a better perspective of the situation then I have now.
If I did that the change would probably last longer then just two days. At best what I could learn from this could last a lifetime.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Relieved, guilty, ashamed, worthless, worried. If I do the other thing there might still be a chance that I feel guilty, hopeless, ashamed and worthless but I probably won't feel as bad about myself as I would of if I give into si. I'll probably feel proud of myself for making it through another tough spot and feel stronger inside.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know unfortunently what I should do other then try and get another perspective on the situation I'm facing.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I just got a F on my chem test, I might have to quit on a job that I just started at and I have to tell two of my good friends that once again I've changed my mind about living with them and I'm not going to live with them. I feel like I'm not doing a good job in any of the roles in my life as a student, worker, family member and friend and I just feel like a jerk right now.
I feel like a failure who is irresponsible, unreliable and selfish. I feel like I need to hurt myself to make up for screwing up this much. I'm afraid that people won't love me or trust me because I've messed up and made some mistakes. I'm afraid of being abandoned and told that I'm a bad person who is worthless. I'm afraid that I can't make mistakes and thats why I feel like I need to cut- to make up for them.
I also feel like hurting myself because the last few months I've had such a hard time concentrating and my ADD medication isn't working and I feel desperate to find something that works. My grades keep going down along with my motivation and I just don't know what to do to get myself out of dispair and start working to catch up again. I got good grades when I still did si and so I sometimes feel tempted to believe that si was the reason I got good grades even though it probably wasn't. So as a result I feel tempted to go back to si in hopes that my grades would go back up.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have been here before. Last time I was here I just forced myself to do the school work even though I didn't feel like it.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I came here and I prayed. I could watch a movie but I don't think that would be good because sometimes I just spend the whole night or day doing coping skills instead of doing a few and then going back to my responsibilities.
How do I feel right now? Frustrated, helpless and hopeless.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Angery, relieved, sad and ashamed.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Sad, ashamed, scared that someone will find out, disgusted with myself and relieved.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it cause no matter what I do I'll never be able to be perfect. I can try and deal with it better in the future by learning to forgive myself for not being perfect rather then beating myself up.
Do I need to hurt myself?
I'm still not sure.
I hope not.
