I've got that sinking feeling

[marylou]

It started a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you when, exactly.
But I know I’ve not been so good for a while. For quite a long while.
It’s hard to tell people you’re not okay anymore. They’ve been here before, and it feels like one step forward and twenty back. I’m tired of it, they’re tired of it. Most of all, I don’t want to let people down. I want to be moving on, moving forward.
But I’m not. And I don’t know why.
I must have started to compromise somewhere. In going to the wrong places, doing the wrong things: or not doing the right things at any rate. Maybe I’m lazy, or uncommited. Maybe even though I think I want to better, I actually don’t.
I’ve got that sinking feeling.
I know the following things:
1. Self-harm doesn’t make me a happier person.
2. Smoking makes me ill.
3. Drinking increases my loneliness.
4. Masturbation makes me feel used.
5. Trusting people is hard. Even people with the best intentions hurt you.
6. I take things too personally.
7. I’m tired of “getting help”
8. I wish I didn’t need help.
9. I know I need help.

I need help.
I need advice.
I need encouragement.
I needed to vent here. To write it all out. To be in the community again, with people who understand me (haha), at least a little more than the people around me in *real life*.

This seemed like the best place to post whilst I wait on my membership coming through on the Workshop group.

[HeCallsMeLadybug]

I know how you feel.
The sinking feeling.
The desire to be better..and wanting others to believe you are.
I'm not very good at advice but I can do encouragement.
Stay strong dear I know you will make it through.

[Chis]

Hey Marylou.
I know exactly how you feel (well taking away some factors, not important however), and it sucks yeah. It is like you said, one step forward - and twenty back. You always end up worse than where you went. Just wanted to let you know I read this, and I seriously hope you can figure out a way to improve your situation!

[marylou]

Hey guys, thanks for the encouragement.
It really does help to know that you're not posting into some black hole, and there is support out there.
My flat-mate left this week, to go on a long-term trip, and she isn't going to be back until mid-September. It's been two days and I'm already struggling with all the alone time. It's not loneliness entirely, but just all this time without someone to distract me etc.
So having some replies up here really lifted my mood when I checked this morning- thankyou.

[Chis]

I'm just glad I can be of help to anyone here
Not having someone around you does make things a lot harder yes. But for me at least being around people either mean: A) I am distracted, will most likely not SI. B) Become more sad/angry/irritated/whatever because I don't really feel like being around other people.
You'll make it to september easily though! I know you can do it!