after

[Binayshee]

12:15 a.m.

i am getting ready to go home after visiting with my sister for over a week; going to take the greyhound home. was nervous about the bus, and my sister came in and said she wasn't ready for me to leave. and i dont really want to leave either, don't feel quite ready myself. but i feel like i "have to" because i start classes on monday that i should be there for, and my son is with me and he wants to go. so i feel kind of caught. but i don't want to go home.

i almost had one day free today. but i chose not to at the last minute because of feelings that came up that were bothering me. the feeling is like, if i were a dog, i'd be a dog that was sick. if i were a plant, i'd be a plant repotted into too small a container. if i were a table, i'd be one that was really tall, with a small circular tabletop, too small to put a drink on, almost. you could put a drink on it, but you'd be afraid of knocking it over. i didn't prepare or get ready at all to go home. and now there's going to be an awful rush in the morning and i hate that so much.

and i feel lonely on bus. i used to come here alot awhile ago under another name. and it was good for me to go off of it. i don't know why i came back, i feel a bit like i'm wasting time. its so easy for me to get absorbed into this place and compulsively come on and check for responses/messages online.

[caged bird]

hey,

i can relate a lot to the feeling of lonliness on BUS, i used to come here a lot and after taing a break am finding i'm having to work hard to get to now other people again. with regards to checing compulsively (although i do it too!) maybe set aside a certain amount of time each day to be online.

it sounds, from what you wrote, like you've got a lot to dael withat the moment. it can be really hard when you have so many differnt feelings, and other people feeding into those, responsibilities, pressures, thoughts etc.

i rteally like the analogys that you used to describe how you were feeling, i could particularly relate to the plant one i think. have you tried taling to anyone about how you're feeling. could you discuss some of the issues with your sister?

i hope things aren't too much of a rush for you in the morning when you do have to pack up, and that going home is ok.

take care

*k*

[Binayshee]

hey, thanks k

it can be really hard when you have so many differnt feelings, and other people feeding into those, responsibilities, pressures, thoughts etc.

yeah, and add being really tired into that
since i was up so late, and my resistance
goes down thank you for the validation

since i was up so late last night i decided to
do some of the things i thought would be too
stressful in the morning so we're not off to too
bad of a start. and hey man, i got a 10 pack of
ear plugs for the bus journey so i can sell em.
the "market" should be good if there's any loud
assholes on the bus

i'm still feeling kind of funky but not quite as
much as yesterday. thanks for your reply
tis very friendly

[Binayshee]

okay well i got one day yesterday
and then i blew it today. i did come
to realize another trigger though.
i have another addictive behavior
that i do that's not s.i. but i believe
they are interrelated because after
i engaged in that behavior, i immedi-
ately s.i.'d. and it seriously decreased
not only my resistance, but my desire
to resist. so now i know.

reduces resistance:

* being tired
* drinking when i'm alone
* tranquilizers
* engaging in other non s.i. behavioral addictions