before

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 10:47 pm

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
it is my behaviours
should ahve talked to a today

now dont see anyone till friday

should stop trying to numb out
would overwhelm
idk

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
will keep me numbed out
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
keep coping / mood im in might cut far too deep
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i dont care
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
enough to sleep i hope
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
call c'line. no change but safer
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
same with either
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

cut
please
just hurt

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
h
police shit
his daughter contaccting vicky
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
numbed uot too much. mustve cut cos can see it, cant rmemeber doing it tho
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
bus
call c'line poss
How do I feel right now?
numb
tense
edgy
close to losing control
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
controlled safe
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
crap as ever
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
no
Do I need to hurt myself?

idk
yes

caged bird · Post by **caged bird** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:14 pm

a couple of things you wrote there really stood out to me, you described yourself as feeling really numb at the moment, and that's obviously not a feeling that is good for you, yet by SIing

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
will keep me numbed out

it seems like it's going to keep you numb. which do you think would be better for you, do you want to keep feeling numb, in which case SI will work i guess, or do want to stop feeling as numb, for which i presume SI will make things worse?

maybe try thinking more on how you want to feel in the long run, i know that's REALLY hard to do when you'r estrugglin, but try and picture yourself ideally 10 years down the line, will your actins now affect that??? i find imagining myself years ahead in the future helps me remember why i want to fight.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
controlled safe

how much control do you actually think you will have given how you're feeling right now? is it safe?

you're dealing with a lot right now, and it's even harder when you feel lie you're doing it on your own, i think calling c/line would be a really good idea, even if it doesn't change things (which it might ) it will maybe help get some stuff out of your head???

take care of you

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:22 pm

i think i need to stay numb. because if i dont then i will totally flip out and i have accss to pills so i need not to flip.
i need to face this numbness in a safer situation than now.

so cutting will keep me numb

i cant see myself tomorrow, let alone a few years.
that has helped in the past but not now

no it wont be safe
and i will think i have control
but i wont

and im scared id go deep and pass out again
im trying no to go so bad

im kinda scared of c/line
might call in a few minutes

caged bird · Post by **caged bird** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:30 pm

what makes you scared of c/line?

could you get rid of the pills (i know i'm the last person that should be allowed to suggest that) but it might help to mae you feel a little safer.

i now it can be really hard to see yourself in the future when you're struiggling badly, no worries about not being able to.

if you're scared of how badly you'd SI, maybe you could try and take a step back from it, hide your tools somewhere a bit unacessable, give yourself a chance to calm before you SI if you do have to

*k*

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:35 pm

ive had some pretty rough experiences with c/line
and even on the not rough tmes they are never useful really

cant get rid of pills - need them
and blades

have now hidden on top of wardrobe

:hugs back:
*pokes about pills comment*

caged bird · Post by **caged bird** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:43 pm

us there any other helpline that you could call like the samaritans or something else that might be more useful???

well done on putting stuff in a less accessible place

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:02 am

I can try c/line but will wait 20 minutes so their handover is pver

*makes excuses*

I am really trying not to feel / cut.

Really

caged bird · Post by **caged bird** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:07 am

you're doing really well, just eep trying that's all anyone can ask of you

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:18 am

shouldnt find it so hard to call

have to

cant keep excuses not to

am about to

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:49 am

i called

spoke to someone after waiting ages

USELESS

fucking useless

she said fck aall
just like are you having therapy?
do you have a regular call?

so i tried

feel totally shit now

fucking forgt it

caged bird · Post by **caged bird** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:07 am

could you try callig bac again, not everyone you spea to will be useful - unfortunately some people aren't as good as others. i've had a couple of bad calls with samaritans and childline, but i've also had some really good calls too.

maybe just one more go? or you could try and get some sleep, see if you can see someone face to face tomorrow?

*k*

Stripe · Post by **Stripe** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:22 am

no

i hate phones - was crying and shaking as i waited to get through
theres no way i can try that again

i am trying to distract myself by re-learning cyrillic (see Libertines Place / don't ask)

I can't sleep at the moment - not safe to relax

i see someone on friday

not before then

before

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