before

[caged bird]

size=18]Before You Self-Harm[/size]
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  the situation won't change, the SU feelings might subside for a little while, but nothing will actually change in the long run
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a bit of relief right now, but once again it'll stop me actually dealing with the underlying stuff
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i'd like to not feel SU but perhaps that's asking a bit too much right now! hurting myself will get me further from that goal becasue it will make me feel even worse for giving in
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it'll be a short term release and then i'll either have to do it again or i'll go back to the SU thoughts
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself?
  stop drinking ( i know i know bad for me and my depression) i could go to sleep but i'm not quite ready for bed yet, still feeling a bit too edgy.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
  I'll be majorly pissed at myself for letting myself down again and not bein gstrong enough to keep going without SI. I'll feel lie a failure and that i'm not good enough.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really want to OD, but that's not very self protective, i guess i really want someone to notice how much of a mess i am today and how unsafe i'm feeling, but i've tried and no one seems interested

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  It's more that it's been building up for a while and today is the perfect(ish) opportunity for me to fall apart, i have the house to myself for a few days and i've been planning this for a LONG LONG time, buit nevr had the opportunity for it to be a reality.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  not quite like this, i haven't had the house to myself since i started feeling this bad
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i tried calling NHS direct and the crisis team, NHS direct were nice, but there's not much they can do, crisis team were fuck all use - and told me just to distract myself. i've watched tv, spent time here and played with my hamster.
• How do I feel right now?
  I feel ignored, i feel like no one seems to care how much i'm hurting and that they don't thin i'm serious enough, i feel hurt and lonely and stupid. i'm feeling lots of things right now i guess along with being a little bit numb
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  relieved for that moment of cutting, but it's only a short moment
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  guilty, annoyed at myself, like a failure, numb (or maybe less numb i'm not sure) stupid, fruistrated. just bad
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i can not be at home alone, but then part of me was waiting for this stupid head. i feel like i've done lots of good things for dealiong with this (although drinking today was a bad idea i guess)
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no i don't need to hurt myself, i don't even want to, it's just an impulsive feeling that i wanted to get some distance from. i'm not expecting replies to this, infact i'm not even sure i'll press submit, just needed something to eep me busy for a buit and remind me how much i want to keep being SI free again and how important that is to me

[Binayshee]

hi caged bird,

i'd like to not feel SU

i didn't know you felt that way

it'll be a short term release and then i'll either have to do it again or i'll go back to the SU thoughts

that's such a good point. that's the thing, it
feels so tempting at the time, but then we
are usually thinking that we'll just do it
once, and get some relief, but once sets
off a whole reaction that kind of craves
more to get rid of the problems/feelings
doing it created. its such a crappy trap.
you are very insightful!

i guess i really want someone to notice how much of a mess i am today and how unsafe i'm feeling, but i've tried and no one seems interested

*noticing*

not quite like this, i haven't had the house to myself since i started feeling this bad

that's great you know being alone in the
house is triggering for you

i tried calling NHS direct and the crisis team, NHS direct were nice, but there's not much they can do, crisis team were fuck all use - and told me just to distract myself. i've watched tv, spent time here and played with my hamster.

good job! aww played with your hamster. that's so
cute. being alone can be hard. i find that being alone in
the house, i can feel really empty sometimes and feelings
of emptiness are hard. does that fit at all with your
experience?

I feel ignored, i feel like no one seems to care how much i'm hurting and that they don't thin i'm serious enough, i feel hurt and lonely and stupid. i'm feeling lots of things right now i guess along with being a little bit numb

i'm sorry you didn't feel heard.

i can not be at home alone, but then part of me was waiting for this stupid head.

waiting for it?

i feel like i've done lots of good things for dealiong with this (although drinking today was a bad idea i guess)

i agree, i think you've done great! i can
understand about the drinking. i did that
yesterday to try and escape from my
feelings and it just made me more tired
and moody. i seem to kind of know
when i'm making that choice. its a
guilty kind of feeling, rather than fun
like when i had mixed drinks with my
sister and brother in law in seattle.
that felt fun and social. but when i get
beer or wine at home and drink for
effect, it never feels good. cause i
realize on some level its me trying
to escape. and i don't have a feeling
of respecting myself when i do that.

i'm not expecting replies to this, infact i'm not even sure i'll press submit, just needed something to eep me busy for a buit and remind me how much i want to keep being SI free again and how important that is to me


well i hope you don't mind my replying.
i'm glad you shared what was going on. *hugs*

[LBC]

Hi Kirsty

I hope that answering the questions did remind you of how much you want to keep your SI-free time...that's been the only way I've gotten through some of my urges in the past. I think you pin-pointed some other stuff too...

1) You learned that maybe you need to reduce the time that you spend alone, when possible...or put some extra supports in place for when you are alone (a coping box, some funny movies to watch, etc)
2) You learned that maybe drinking has a greater effect on your mood than you realize?
3) Obviously you make plans, despite your best intentions - maybe you can try in advance to make your tools less available?

Also...how do you let people know that you're feeling badly? I know sometimes I expect a little too much of people, in terms of picking up signals from me...I'm trying to learn to be more direct about asking for help.

I'm not saying that's an issue with you...just kinda talking off the top of my head.

Be gentle with you.

[caged bird]

thanks bot of you for your replies, i totally wasn't expecting anything, it was more just for me to rant and distract for bit.

I didn't SI, i knew the moment i started writing it that i wouldn't, i don't want to SI anymore, i've had enough of it screwing my life up if i could mae 3 years without cutting then doing it again can't be that difficult - right?

lbc, i have a coping box (although last time i used it i cried more so i thin maybe i need to rethink it's contents!) i think particularly last night i *needed* to be bad, needed to get it out. it's more the SU opportunities that I have when i'm on my own, and that reminds me of all the other feelings

I'm doing a lot better at letting people now how i'm feeling, a few months ago i wouldn't have been able to tell people i was feeling SU, i feel like i was fairly direct withthe woman and ept saying i wasn't ok, but then when they as what i think would help, i have ideas in my head but i can't voice them becasue i'm scared i'll be wrong

Helika, thanks for noticing, and replying the emptiness is hard form me it's something i struggle with a lot, but this time round it's more that i'd had SU plans a month or so ago and not beenable to act onthem (exactly how i had them planned) becasue i couldn't have the house to myself, so having the space this weekend reminded me of all of them
and that was why i was kind of *waiting* for this, the thoughts and plans never really went away - part of me feels like they won't until i go through with them, but then i know i can't do it, i have lots of things that i have responsibilities for so i have to be ok, and it's not fair on other people to do that to them

wow mamoth post here this morning

[Binayshee]

I didn't SI, i knew the moment i started writing it that i wouldn't, i don't want to SI anymore, i've had enough of it screwing my life up if i could mae 3 years without cutting then doing it again can't be that difficult - right?

good for you!

Helika, thanks for noticing, and replying

you're welcome

the emptiness is hard form me it's something i struggle with a lot, but this time round it's more that i'd had SU plans a month or so ago and not beenable to act onthem (exactly how i had them planned) becasue i couldn't have the house to myself, so having the space this weekend reminded me of all of them

i see.

and that was why i was kind of *waiting* for this, the thoughts and plans never really went away - part of me feels like they won't until i go through with them, but then i know i can't do it, i have lots of things that i have responsibilities for so i have to be ok, and it's not fair on other people to do that to them


well, i'm sorry you are hurting so much that
you feel that way. i'm glad you are not going
to do it.

good job getting through it! you're awesome!