After...

[graceless]

Been looking after my friends house while she and her family are on holiday. been so weird being in a family home again...even without the family.
I hate how it highlights how empty i am.
I love these people, but that doesn't seem like a good idea.

I haven't cut, which I kinda need to - just because the last time I did it here I felt awful because i know how upset she would be if she knew.
instead i've been taking laxatives which i've never done so much before. it seems to have helped me feel less "trapped".
but it hurt.
alot more than you needed to know.

it helps because i feel like i'm doing something to change my stupid trance like state...i'm so sick of that. the effects don't last as long though, you don't have wounds to look after, thats not so satisfying. alot more expensive too.

this kind of seems pointless.

[ChaseThisLight]

I wouldn't recommend continuing to use laxatives. They are very very dangerous if misused.

I can relate to the empty feeling...it's hard when you feel very attached to the family of a friend to then come to the realization that it isn't exactly the same as them being your family no matter how close you get. That reminds me a lot of one of my good friend's families....I absolutely love her her folks, and we get on well, but it just isn't the same.

Take care of yourself.

[caged bird]

hey,
i hope that looking at thid helped somewhat

notmardy is right laxatives can be really bad for you if you misuse them.

I love these people, but that doesn't seem like a good idea.

can i ask why it's not a good idea?

is there anything else you can try that's less damaging to help change how you're feeling?

[graceless]

I dont know what else to do anymore short of cutting all the time, which is harder to hide.

i dont really know what i ment by that comment. i guess if i grow to love people it tends not to end too good...nothing drastic, just life moves on but i cant deal with it just now.

im supposed to be going away for 6 months on a kind of rehab prog to help me deal better with everything but im scared because as much as i know i need to do something, i dont know what i'd do if theres nothing left to come home to.

i dont know if that makes sense, but i've no family here, no home once i go. i guess i'm just scaed and i don't know how to deal with that.

i know the laxitives are a bad idea, it wouldn't be something i would do long term. thanks for the concern though, i'll take it on board.