after

[Binayshee]

i didn’t make it to 4 days.

these are the things i can think of that
i believe contributed to the slip

* i was very tired but i couldn’t sleep
and i felt agitated like i couldn’t relax
and i took a xanax - when i'm really tired
my resistance goes down, and i think xanax
also made my resistance go down because
i still could'nt sleep and then i was up
but a little "out of it" or something

* earlier in the day i had done it on another
part of my body and i had been thinking
that that was okay, because it was just a little
bit and in a place no one can see, so i was
thinking it didn't count. but i see how it con-
tributed to me doing the thing i really didn't
want to do. because it reinforces the habit
by getting the gratification and its more of
"going down that groove" in my brain

*just prior to doing it, i was thinking about my dad,
who is really ill and who could die; he is stable for
the moment, but we don't really know how long
he has, and i'm avoiding visiting him because of
all the pain and shame i experience when i'm
around him/them/my parents. but it hurts me to
think i'm hurting him by staying away. he asked
me to come help him with something and he rarely
ever asks. its just that i dont have a car, so
i have to rely on my parents, they are in control
of everything when i visit, and that brings up all
the old bad feelings. i know it wouldn't be as bad
if i had my own transportation. but i get to feel
trapped, and like the people who have the
power, well how i feel and what i need is not
a priority for them. and that's extremely hard
for me emotionally.

and thinking about that, even just now, its all
so painful the feeling of wanting to hurt myself
is very strong. and honestly, it feels so bad i
don't half care about the s.i.

so that one's just a little too painful

so if i start again tomorrow, i will have:

1. no s.i. at all, it all counts and it all is part
of the issue/problem

2. xanax won't help with this, because it makes
my resistance lower

3. i have to find a way to deal with the painful
feelings about my dad and what i want to do
about the situation of going to help him. and
frankly those thoughts, those feelings bring
up a strong desire to hurt myself, the desire to
numb out with drugs and alcohol, anything.
so that's a toughie. i am trying to be kind to myself
though, despite having stepped in the way of my
own progress.

[caged bird]

sorry you didn't make it to 4 days, but you did really well to get as far as you did, and remembr this doesn't take away what you achieved.

It looks like you're quite aware of a lot of the things that led up to you SIing and are going to put positive measuers in place to try and prevent them again.

re the Siing elsewhere and it 'not counting'. i just wanted you to know that i can realte to that, and that it's really hard trigger to deal with.

sounds like the situation with your dad is really difficult. is there anyone else you could as for a lift from or public transport that you could use so you have a nit more control over the situation if you go and see him? can you explain to them how you're feeling? or is therer someone else irl that you can talk toabout the situation, maybe another family member or close friend?

good luck

[Binayshee]

hi caged bird

wow i feel terrible this morning

just woke up

then i read this and i remember why

sorry you didn't make it to 4 days, but you did really well to get as far as you did, and remembr this doesn't take away what you achieved.

thank you.

It looks like you're quite aware of a lot of the things that led up to you SIing and are going to put positive measuers in place to try and prevent them again.

thank you. i think i have a pretty good
idea. last night i tried not to get negative
about it, because stopping this is probably
going to be a process. but it sucks the next
day more than the day you do it, cause you
wake up and it's right there. kind of like the
morning after doing anything you regret

its encouraging to wake up in the morning
and think "hey i got another day!"

re the Siing elsewhere and it 'not counting'. i just wanted you to know that i can realte to that, and that it's really hard trigger to deal with.

thank you for sharing that. funny that it seems
like no big deal at the time (which seems weird
now, considering the fact that what i did in that
spot actually hurt me more physically than the
behavior i am trying to stop, but the thing is,
the behavior i want to stop has to do with things
others can see. i have this scar on my stomach
that i keep reinjuring, and i always feel like its
"nothing" because nobody can see it.

sounds like the situation with your dad is really difficult. is there anyone else you could ask for a lift from or public transport that you could use so you have a nit more control over the situation if you go and see him? can you explain to them how you're feeling? or is therer someone else irl that you can talk toabout the situation, maybe another family member or close friend?

thank you. the situation is difficult. the problem
is, they live way out in the country. 2-3 hours
drive out of town. so that's a lot of driving to
ask someone to do. and then once i'm there,
they are isolated out in the mountains. i mean,
there are a few neighbors whose places aren't
too far away, but there's no town for me to
walk around in and find things to do or distract
myself and walking's not that great an option
because wherever i go, i'm on someone else's
property. there is no public property out there.

so i i just feel STUCK out there and then my
mother does things that upset me, usuallly
having to do with ignoring or not acknowleging
me in some way. for example, one year at
christmas i went to visit them with my son
because my son really wanted to go, but
i was very ill with a flu bug, and i was afraid
they'd all be angry at me if i didn't come
because i've had a lot of issues with the
holidays.

so i went. and she was annoyed at me for
lying in bed, instead of caring that i was sick.
she would pass by the room and glower every
once in while, but never offered to make me
anything or get me something. it was painful.
so much anger and resentment on her part,
which is very painful to me.

there are other equally upsetting issues with
my dad. but being around them, and most es-
pecially feeling "trapped" is really shitty for
me. so i don't mind helping my dad, its just
really hard the circumstances for me to be
there.

it triggers all these feelings from my
childhood, which was pretty traumatic.
feeling stuck and nobody giving a shit
about what i need, etc.

and that is the emotional climate in which
i developed my problems with s.i.

it became a way to deal with all the pain of being
alone and nobody being there, of bad memories
that were never even acknowldeged, a way to
"zone out" and disappear from everything going
on in my home and my life at school.

its funny just "talking" about this now brings up
huge feelings of wanting to hurt myself. the form
of s.i. that i practice is not violent, really, but the
feelings/memories that are surfacing now, it really
makes me want to hurt myself, bash myself. the
word "rage" comes to mind, but i don't really know
alot about how to deal with that, so i'm just gonna
leave it at that.

but how am i supposed to deal with *that* without
s.i.? i've been doing it since i was i dont know, 13
or 14. i can't even imagine how to replace that.
because all this tension builds up inside and nothing,
short of crying really hard, which i have a hard time
doing, offers that kind of relief or "release."

[caged bird]

you mentioned the word 'rage' in your post, and i was wondering if you've ever talked to anyone about anger management? it sounds lie you take the anger of the feelings you have out on yourself (SI) and so maybe by talking through some of the issues, it would help ease the urges to SI.

I now you said your dad was sick, but is there any way they could come to visit you, or that you could meet up somewhere in the middle, so that you have a bit of an escape if you need it. it sounds to me lie you need to address some of the childhood issues as they clearly bring up big feelings for you (but then i'm no counsellor,, that's just my 2 cents)

you're right, waing up the next day and thining, i made it through another day wiothout SI is a good feeling, try to remeber that next time you get an urge if you can. and keep going, you're doing really really well.

[Binayshee]

hi caged bird,

you mentioned the word 'rage' in your post, and i was wondering if you've ever talked to anyone about anger management? it sounds lie you take the anger of the feelings you have out on yourself (SI) and so maybe by talking through some of the issues, it would help ease the urges to SI.

heheh funny you should mention that, i just
started an anger management class last week!

I know you said your dad was sick, but is there any way they could come to visit you, or that you could meet up somewhere in the middle, so that you have a bit of an escape if you need it. it sounds to me lie you need to address some of the childhood issues as they clearly bring up big feelings for you (but then i'm no counsellor,, that's just my 2 cents)

no, they won't do that. they hate leaving their place
and normal routines. my dad wouldn't even go to
seattle for my sister's wedding. but i looked into
a car rental after writing here. it is expensive, but
it might be worth it to have a different experience
out there.

just the problem is, i'm basically destitute and it
would be more debt on the credit card and that
worries me too.

i agree about the counseling, its just i don't
have the best situation for counseling right
now, but i am in an intensive outpatient program
at mental health and its going really great. its
just that they won't give me therapy until i have
a basic skills set for dealing with what might come
up. which i "get" because stuff is coming up now
that i don't know how to deal with very well. so,
i think i will get that opportunity, but not for now.
so maybe i should try distracting myself for now.

keep going, you're doing really really well.

thanks so much!!! i appreciate
you posting here and helping. i just hope you
don't get burnt out or tired of answering, cause
its hard when nobody replies, y'know? i kind of
wish more ppl would post and participate in this
section because its so nice to have company
and feedback/replies while working through
stuff. but, on the other hand, sometimes
ppl can be invalidating or confrontational
in a way that creates additional problems,
so perhaps its better.

[caged bird]

cool about starting anger management i hope it goes well.

would your parents consider putting money towards the car hire? as they want you to go. i think maybe going andhaving a different experience might be really good for you.

if youre looking for distractions, there's lots on BUS

very few people post on b+a a lot of tge time people thubkk they can't - but anyone can. i like posting here it's good to see people woring on stuff, whether i get replies or not to what i post. if you do want more replies to work through stuff you could always try the workshop, there's lots of good stuff there just start up your own thread