After...last night

[Stripe]

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.


I feel too fragile to be answering, but am decided to try.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  They are clean, tap water. No medical equipment, so that's the best I can do. I will buy steri-strips on Monday if possible, as I have been getting dangerous.
• what had happened just before?
  Same old. Bad night, same as the night before. Trying not to be overwhelmed by blocked out feelings and struggling with flashbacks.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  Don't feel, blcoked, I was horrible.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  The inability to continue blocking out feelings so I cut.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  I don't know. It was either let feelings in and cut, or don't and cut. I should have gone to A&E though. i wasn't safe.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  Lack of sleep, as ever. I need to be put back on my meds.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I called C'line. Said I would. I was in too much of a state to say much, they wanted more help accessed for me so I hung up.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I should have stuck with the call, or called a friend.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  Bus, and C'line. Both of which I tried.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  No resolution, still blocking, stll feel lik cutting.
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  I was last night, night before. Both times I passed out, but last night I took better care first, (tourniquet).
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  Bus
  Friends
  C'line

[caged bird]

would it be ok if i added something tothe things to try before - you kind of already mantioned it but would it be worth you going to A+E. from what you're writing it sounds like things are prety bad for you and that your SI is getting worse, maybe even calling NHS direct and getting in touch with the crisi team instead, they might be more useful than friends,bus and c'line put together (not always but i've found them good in the past).

i hope you're feeling a little better this morning - please think about seeing a dr for your cuts if they're bad instead of just trying to treat them youself

*k*

[Stripe]

A&E isn't really much of an option - parents.
Crisis team in my area is for 16+

The only real option is NHS Direct, and I sahll remember that as a good idea.

I need my cuts checked - deep muscle - but I have no way secretly really. I sahll try.

I think partly I just cant face trying.

I dont knwo

[caged bird]

if they need checking you really should get them looked at, have you got an NHS wal in near you? they're really good for cuts etc. you don't have to tell them it's self inflicted (although if it's obvious they might suspect). is there anyone that you could tae with you, it might be easier if you have some support there and also if they're older then it might look like a responsible adult with you.

at the very least please call NHS direct and get advice about the cuts, they can tell you how best to treat them and loo after them if you decide against going and seeing a dr/hospial about them

*k*

[Stripe]

I am only fifteen, with no local friends and over-anxious parents.
It is impossible for me to get to a walk-in centre today, but I am in London tomorrow, so I might see if I can get to one. (And it is very obviously SI))

NHS Direct I shall call later on tonight, when my parents are in bed. And hope tomorrow I can get somewhere.

I fucking hate this.
I hate living at home.